For Life

Yesterday I went to the wedding of two Christian friends who I have known through most of my time at university. I haven't been to a lot of weddings, but yesterday I noticed something.

The popular form of the answer to the wedding vows is to say "I do". Countless wedding cards and an entire ABBA song are dedicated to this well known part of the wedding. However, the vow in both the Christian weddings I've been to this year has not been "I do", but "I will".

There's a significant difference there, when you consider what the person is promising at the moment - to love, to honour, to share a life. "I do" says "At this moment, this is what is true of my life, that I do love this person, honour this person, want to share a life with this person." It is a state of the present. But "I will" is a future tense, isn't it? It says "I am going to keep doing this, for the rest of my life, not just for as long as I feel like it."

I know I'm making a big thing out of a little difference, one that most people wouldn't even notice. But there is a difference between the world's view of marriage, and what a Christian marriage is. One is all about what is going to make you happy now, while the other is about loving one another in a way that reflects God's love - and that love is eternal and unwavering. There's much more that could be said on this topic, but I will leave that to those who know far more about love than I do :P

In Limbo

It's a strange feeling, but at the moment I feel like I'm in limbo, suspended between finishing university and starting full-time work. I'm just kind of floating around. There is nothing I have to do at the moment, and my mind doesn't really know how to cope with the lack of pressure.

I've started a multitude of creative projects, just to give myself something to do. Cause you discover very quickly that while the idea of having no commitments, no deadlines and no responsibilities sounds fantastic in theory, it actually gets rather tedious much quicker than you expect.

At the moment, in no particular order, I am:
- making a dress
- writing 2 books
- starting a new blogging project
- embroidering a tablecloth
- cleaning my room and study from top to bottom


These are things I would probably have only had as vague ideas unless I had so much time on my hands.

You know what the other things that really been filling up my day has been? Having a decent quiet time, of sitting and talking to God and just waiting on Him for answers. I always struggled with having a consistent quiet time while at uni. There was always so many things gathering to drag me back into the world. Phone buzzing, emails arriving, deadlines looming. And now... nothing. So, I plan to use this time to set a good habit that I can keep to once I start work in January.

Life Together

Author Note: This is my latest poetical effort, in honour of the fact that graduating uni and leaving behind the wonderful Christian family that are Student Life.

Life Together

Life together is in the taste of marshmallows all gooey in the centre and made smoky by the campfire at Heathcote; of bitter tea prepared by one of my sweet brothers at 3am after a long night in the drop-in centre; of rich chocolate consumed to excess in the giggling company of my dear sisters.

Life together is in the smell of tomatoes and fragrant herbs as Sam makes pasta sauce to feed hungry pray-ers (who have become more than slightly sick of pizza); of sunscreen and overheated plastic under the tarp of our stall at O-week; of the cold misty air that rises off Lake Hume mingling with the stubborn tinge of pancake residue that somehow still clings to my hair from a morning of cooking.

Life together is in the sight of two heads bent over a familiar little green booklet; of a smile of relief as a first year discovers that surveying isn’t that scary after all - and no, I didn’t die; of watching the majestic sun rise as we stand together wrapped in blankets on the beach at Lorne, bleary-eyed after only 2 hours sleep – or less.

Life together is in the sound of those familiar words – “Would you like to do a quick survey? There’s a free Chupa-chupa” – as we hope to find that one student who is curious to find out more; of crowds of hyperactive students screaming “Living on a Prayer” at the top of their lungs – just because it’s the last night of MYC and we can; of the whispers of a prayer in a quiet corner.

Life together is in the touch of a brother’s hand on my shoulder, wordlessly asking “Are you okay?” when I come into Weekly Meeting looking like death warmed up; of my sister’s arms around me as I lament the newest shadow to cross my life; of heads brushing as we huddle together to cry out in prayer.

Life together is in the feeling of overwhelming love and “rightness” of being amongst friends; of delight and freedom of being loved by grace, of the peace that transcends all understanding found in finally seeing where my heart’s true home lies.

Life together is in every memory made, every moment of joy celebrated, every heart changed and future transformed. Our friends, our family, our fellowship. Our Student Life.

Exist. Together.

Sometimes just being together is enough.

I went to visit my best friend today. Just stopped over for 15 minutes on my way home, just because I could. We didn't talk much. We just sat and did the puzzles in the newspaper, and discussing crossword clues and which numbers went where in the kenken puzzle took up the majority of what we spoke about.

But sometimes, just doing something simple and not talking about it is enough, for the mere fact that you are together and you both know that words aren't really all that necessary. You've already said it all just by being there.

Eating My Words

Just when I think I've understood something, and I post about it, it comes back to bite me. Last post I spoke about trusting Jesus, and I've realized this week how little I have been doing that.

This week has been a week of frustrations. Not only have I been sick, but a whole string of little things seem to be going wrong. Things that I need are missing from my paperwork, my email account was hacked, people won't answer their phones.... None of them are major crises, but added together, it all makes me want to scream. Or break things. Or both. [For those of you who know me in real life, this may surprise you, but I do have a nasty temper when I'm upset. Yes, I know, you probably can't imagine it. But I assure you the mild mannered Kitty you know is just a cover-up for the crazy one underneath.]

But anyway, back on topic. All this served to remind me not only how much I had failed to trust God with it, but how little I'd even been talking about it to Him. Last week I did a Bible study about Hannah, Samuel's mother in the book of 1 Samuel. She's a fairly cool lady, and I wish I was more like her.... She starts off the books a bit of a mess. She can't have kids and she's incredibly bitter and discontent with her life. Not unlike me (but to a much greater extent), she's frustrated that her life isn't working out the way she wants it to. But with the encouragement of her loving husband, instead of keeping all her feelings inside and letting them fester, she pours her heart out before God - with so much feeling that Eli thinks she's drunk!

God designed us with feelings. He doesn't expect us to carry the weight of our emotions on our own. We needs to be honest about our feelings, not only with each other, but most importantly with Him. Tell Him if your overflowing with joy and overwhelmed with sorrow or overwrought with anxiety. He listens. And He acts.

Time After Time

It's been a while since my last post - 21 days to be exact. And how much has happened in that time!

I got an internship position for next year at a great hospital, which is such an amazing answer to my prayers and those of many of my friends who were kind enough to be praying about my employment for next year.

But getting a job has really confirmed for me that I will be graduating uni at the end of this year, and that my life is about to change dramatically. I've already been feeling the hints of maturity creeping in... A good friend is getting married in December, while I had the joy a few weeks ago of playing with the 9 month old son of one of my closest high school friends.

As I extricate myself from my wallowing in nostalgia, I will only add in closing that all that has happened in the past few weeks has served to remind me both of God's goodness and also his sovereignty. I was listening to an old hymn a few days ago, which begins " 'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus". I can only say Amen to that.

Tuesday Tunes: Edition 2

This week I'm putting in a song some of you may not have heard before. It's my probably favourite worship song, based on Psalm 62 and written by Aaron Keyes and Stuart Townend. It's called My Soul Finds Rest in God Alone.

My soul finds fest in God alone
My Rock and my salvation
A fortress strong against my foes
And I will not be shaken.
Though lips may bless and hearts may curse
And lies like arrows pierce me
I'll fix my heart on righteousness
I'll look to him who hears me

Oh, praise Him, hallelujah,
My delight and my reward
Everlasting, never failing,
My redeemer, my God.

There are two more verse after this, but I haven't the patience to type it all out. Copying and pasting isn't working for me right now. Instead, I'll suggest you watch Aaron Keyes perform the whole song here.

I've had a crazy time this year with my health, my friendships, my study load and my future. But this song has been a huge blessing, in keeping the words of the Psalm in my mind - that in all my busyness, it is only in God that I will find rest. And He provides not only rest, but a safe and loving embrace when we feel (or know) the world is against us. In Him, I will not be shaken.

Another Poetic Foray...

With Bread
(A Poem for Liliane)

It is with bread
That we share our lives
As brothers and sisters, all united
Our community of faith
Church

It is with bread
That we give thanks
For the healing of a world divided
Our symbol of repentance
Communion

It is with bread
That we walk with our Lord
In the joy of life resurrected
Our Lamb of salvation
Christ

Each day
Our Bread of Life
Companion

Tuesday Tunes: Edition 1

I love music. Yes, I do. And so I've decided that every now and then, I am going to share with you a song (or part of a song) that has touched my heart. And so, it gives me great pleasure to present to you "Spoken For" by MercyMe.

Take this world from me
I don’t need it anymore
I am finally free
My heart is spoken for
Oh and I praise You
Oh and I worship You

Covered by a love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear You say, “This one’s Mine”
My heart is spoken for

Now I have a peace
That I’ve never known before
I find myself complete
My heart is spoken for
Oh and I praise You
Oh and I worship You

By the power of the cross
You’ve taken what was lost
And made it fully Yours
I have been redeemed
By You who spoke to me
Now I am spoken for

Take this world from me
I don't need it anymore

Written by MercyMe and Peter Kipley© 2002 Simpleville Music (ASCAP) / Songs from the Indigo Room (SESAC)


I'm very fond of MercyMe, but in particular this song, the title track of their second album. It always reminds me that God wants me just as I am, and that other than Him, I don't need anything else to complete me. Not a university degree, not a boyfriend, not perfect health. Nothing.

And my response can only be to give over my heart to Him. There is nothing in the world that I need so much as Him, and even though it's often not the case, I would love to be able to stand up to the world and tell it to leave my heart alone, because I've already given it all away to the God whom I love.

Dedicated to the singing cucumber who stole my heart

Sometimes I think I spend far more time doing what I think will make me happy, than doing what actually does make me happy. Confused? Let me explain.

On Sunday I was trying to work hard on putting together my resume, as the time is fast approaching when I will (hopefully) graduate and need employment. But, as you do, after a couple of hours of working on this document, I found I was becoming less and less productive and realised it was time for a break. So as is my usually bad habit, I went onto my favourite games site on the net and started to play, only to find it wasn't really giving me any happiness. At a loss as to what to do to console myself, I wandered upstairs and flipped on the television, only to find that VeggieTales was on. Now, for anyone not familiar with VeggieTales, it is a Christian children's cartoon, where singing vegetables act out Bible stories or stories about knowing God. Yes, it sounds ridiculous. But it's also fabulous.

I haven't watched a whole episode of VeggieTales since I was in primary school, but that day, it was exactly what I needed. Even in his ridiculously high pitched cucumber-y voice, Larry reminded me of some important things about God I had been ignoring and also what it means to just have fun. Even if that means singing along at the top of your voice completely crazy songs about water buffaloes and blue kangaroos.

More than you think you are...

I was having a conversation the other day with one of my closest friends, and I must admit I was being a little emo and venting all my 'issues' on the poor guy. And he said to me that I was a gem, and to make light of it all I jokingly said "What colour?"

And this is what he replied to me "Rainbow to show the many different facets of your character that makes you such a valuable gem".
(Yes, all the girls reading this may now swoon...).

Opals are one of the most expensive gemstones in the world. They may appear black or white on the outside, but when light hits them at the right angle, they become an riot of colours. And this is true of every soul, only I had forgotten it.

We are all more than the colour we see on the surface. Often we get trapped into thinking of ourselves one way - in many cases a very negative way. But we are more than we think we are. I may see myself as a student or a patient because that is the role I am filling that day. But there is so much more underneath.

I am friend-sister-daughter-leader-student-patient-carer-follower-mentor-counsellor-artist-listener-evangelist-musician-intercessor-witness. And these are only the ones I could think of at the moment.

But just like the opal, you will only see yourself truly in the light.

Jesus answered "I am the way and the truth and the light" John 14:6

If you want to know who you are truly, you need to see yourself through the eyes of the one who made you and the one who saved you. To quote a song I rather like, identity is found in Christ (Identity, Lecrae).

A Simple Gift

You know how sometimes there are people in your life that you could never say or do enough to thank them for being there for you? My best friend is definitely tops the list, but there are also two guys out there who have a very special place in my heart and who I couldn't imagine surviving the last year without. This is a small present to them. Excuse the strange first line... it came out of a random comment from my best friend, when we were hanging out with one of the guys and she saw something stuck on his wall.


To my heart's dearest brothers - ASD and MSC

This is a love letter
you may put on your wall
Tell the whole world -
I've told them before
You've been there
to pick me up when I fall.
Brother of my heart
I couldn't ask for more.

There have been dark days
and even harder nights.
Yet through it all I see
you stood by my side
Helping me back towards
the unfading Light
Brother of my heart -
example, friend and guide.

Underappreciated

A few weeks ago, I started a post with a familiar lyric from the song Big Yellow Taxi - "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got till it's gone." I'm feeling that again.

My sister is going away on placement and my parents have gone away to help her settle in. And being at home by myself has really shocked me as to how much my mother in particular does each day. Everyday when I come home, there is food cooked and clean washing waiting for me to put away. When I get up in the morning, the sink is mysteriously clear of the dirty dishes for the previous night. Somewhere in the midst of the hustle and bustle of four of us trying to leave the house each morning, the fish gets fed, the dog gets fed, the washing is put on, the rubbish is emptied... At the moment, I have to do it all myself, and it's really opened up my eyes to how much work running a house can be - and there aren't even any other people there to feed at the moment!

Apart from the fact that I rarely thank my mother, or indeed, either of my parents for the work they do, it's made me realise how ungrateful I can be. Mum spends putting the washing on, hanging it up, taking it down, folding it, ironing the things that require it... and then I'm too lazy to hang it up or put it in the right drawer, so it gets tossed onto the end of the bed, where it will almost certainly fall onto the floor. What appreciation that shows for my mother's labour!

I think it's time to clean up my act, as well as cleaning up my room :)

What's Your Passion?

I was chatting to a friend earlier today, and somehow (I don't even remember how) we got onto the topic of my love for dancing. I learned dancing (ballet and jazz) for many years, and I absolutely love being able to move to music.

I wish I could explain better what dancing means to me. How, when I dance, it's like everything - my body, my heart and my soul - are all moving together, in an expression of all that is in me - my dreams, my tears, my hopes and my desires. I get this feeling of joy and freedom and hope that just rushes through me. I can't explain it or understand it. But I know I passionately love dancing.

But I know dancing isn't for everyone. Some people (Nica... Andy...) believe they're too unco-ordinated, or just don't enjoy it. But everyone has some activity they are passionate about. For me, it is dance; for someone else, it may be running around a soccer field and scoring that winning goal. It might be taking beautiful photos, sewing a new dress, making a great meal. Whatever it is, I hope you find your passion. Cause no-one should miss out on the feeling that it brings.

Book Selection

(My apologies this is very short and a bit random, and has rant-ish tinges to it, but I've just finished exams, and I felt the need to write something without really thinking what I wrote.)

I have two rules in regards to books that I want to read or buy. If the book is worthy of being read it will:

1. Not have the author's picture on the cover. I never trust books that have the author's picture on the cover... somehow, no matter how great that person is, I always feel like they are trying to sell me their image rather than their thoughts. I'm paying for your words, not a picture of your shiny orthodontically perfected teeth!
2. Not have the author's name written in larger letters than the book title is. Unless you're Charles Dickens or Jane Austen and your books have been so popular for a 100 years or so, and you've earned the right to have your name big, keep your name small. Again, I'm interested in the topic of the book or its story, not who it's written by. Just cause you're a great 'brand name' (ahem... Tom Clancy, Nora Roberts etc.) doesn't make every book you write interesting or good.

Now I shall get back off my soap box and let the rest of you resume whatever more interesting things you were doing before.

As It Comes...

I woke up this morning feeling inexplicable joyful.

It may have had something to do with the fact that I had 10 hours sleep, that I dreamed of old friends, that last night I finally was granted the courage to start a new journal. But whatever it is, I'm taking it as it comes and revelling in it.

I've had some pretty 'down' moments over the last few months. But in the midst of one of them, I was reading John 16 and I came across this verse:

22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will
rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

It's definitely a promise that I'm going to be holding onto. I know that the way life is means we will face both sadness and joy and I will take them both in turn. But I will continue to look to the day when all my sadness is gone and I will have a joy that cannot be taken away.

Habit-forming

"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got til it's
gone..." (Big Yellow Taxi)

I've realised over the past couple of days what a creature of habit I am. But a bit of background first... A few days ago, I had my backpack stolen. In it, I had all the things a young woman who is a student normally carries around - purse, phone, USB stick, keys, diary - as well as my journal for reflecting on the time I spend with God and my Bible. Not to mention all my "little necessities" - lipstick, favourite pen, encouragement note from my bestie...

And it struck me today - not having all those things - how much I rely on "my things" to get through my day. I'm trying to study at the moment, and it was disconcerting - even distracting - trying to use borrowed pens. I let my lips bleed with the cold rather than put on a lip gloss that is not the one I like. But worst of all, I sit down to do my quiet time, with another Bible and without my journal, and my mind wanders and frets, because it's no longer my routine. And I wonder, when did I come to this?

I have a skill to re-learn, the art of just spending time with God. Not saying anything, not figuring anything out, but just being with God, dwelling in His presence. Letting Him be the balm to the cracks in my soul. Listening to what He wants to tell me.

It's going to be a worthwhile lesson.

Simplicity

I wish my life was much simpler than it is.

I wish I could amuse myself for a whole day without having to go on Facebook or YouTube or even Blogger.
I wish I wasn't contactable 24 hours a day on a little phone that fits within my palm, yet I feel naked without.
I wish I would read books instead of webpages, curling up in an armchair or my bed instead of a swivel chair.
I wish I would spend more time playing my own music instead of blasting it into my ears out of a little stick with a weird yet catchy name.
I wish I didn't use a headset and a webcam to talk to my best friends, whether they live on the other side of the city, or the other side of the world.

I wish my life was unwired, un-networked, uncomplicated.

Free.

In my backyard

When I think of hatred and violence, I tend to think of something far away... you know, it's in that country or in that part of the city... The people near me are good people, right? On Friday morning, I was witness to a very confronting incident on the bus really challenge my underlying attitude of "not in my backyard". I was catching the bus on the way to uni, when a youngish man boarded with a radio blaring from his backpack [This is actually illegal on public transport here; music is supposed to audible only to the person listening to it - i.e. used with headphones]. One of the other passengers requested that he turn it down, and was met with a barrage of insults, swearing and threats of violence, even after the bus driver's warning, that I was scared for the safety of the man who complained and for the other passengers around. It was such a small thing, and it unleashed such a lot of hate. Being me, I wrote a poem about it...

Bus is quiet
People silent
New passenger disturbs our rest
Loud music blares
Everyone stares
Til someone decides to protest
He swears and shouts
About to strike out
Bus driver issues a warning
Hearing death threats
What will come next?
Will there be blood spilt this morning?
I want to hide
Crying inside
Wishing it were all just a jest
There's so much hate
Love seems too late
For this morning bus ride in the West.

A Poetic Turn

This started off as something entirely different... it was originally a poem of thanks to a friend, but somehow became something else entirely. I'm not sure about a couple of the lines... but I needed to 'publish' it or I will keep using up time when I should be doing assignments tweaking it.


"Of Grace"

Out of the darkness you heard my cries
Fought a path through the forest of lies
Called me beloved and opened my eyes
To grace

You whispered of a Way and a Light
To lead my heart from its starless night
Having tasted it, my soul will fight
For grace

Unashamedly my soul now sings
For God has given this fledgling wings
My spirit soars free as each dawn brings
His grace

KJGH, May 2009

Chasing Sunsets

I catch the train home from uni most nights - around a 30-35 minute ride - in the late afternoon, which at the moment (as we're approaching winter here in the Southern Hemisphere) is around the time the sun is setting, and my train travels directly west, following the disappearing sun.

I was sitting on the train a couple of days ago, when I happened to look up from my book and realize that out the window behind me was an incredibly amazing sunset -an incredible red-orange sun illuminating pink clouds and sending off those visible beams of sparkly golden light. It was beautiful and the sight of it lifted away all the clouds of emotional worry that had been ruling my day up until then.

I turned back from the window to see if anyone else in the carriage had caught the same taste of glorious joy from the image of it that I had, but no. They all still had their heads buried in books, magazines, the newspaper, the PSP, the iPod. And I really thought at that moment... this is what our society is. We're so busy chasing after happiness from anywhere that promises it, that we miss the simple moments of true joy, in merely being a witness to God's magnificent creation.

Bearing Witness

I often hear people toss around the idea that we don't need to go out and evangelise, because we are supposed to be witnesses in the way we live our lives. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't really think the beauty and glory of the gospel shines through the way I live my life, and I know in some instances my life is more likely to drive people away....

I saw this happen today at work, and it made me so sad....

A customer came in, wanting an item in an unusual quantity, which we were unable to produce. We apologised and offered her some alternative options, to which her response was "You people are hopeless. Why can't you just give me what I asked for? Every other place has managed to." The assistant serving her, myself and the pharmacist were a little taken aback at the rudeness.

Then the woman continues to talk at the assistant as she fixes up her purchases, and the customer says "When I was at church this morning..." After the customer had left, the pharmacist turns to the other assistant and myself and says "Wonderful Christian spirit there, eh?"

Paul says we are Christ's ambassadors to the world. We are sent with the message of the gospel, representing God. But does our behaviour, particularly to those who are serving us, reflect the true spirit of Christ? Are we holding up the reputation of Christ or bringing it into disrepute? Just some food for thought, that made me think about my own behaviour and speech.

Don't Want To...

WASTE MY LIFE.

I've just finished reading John Piper's book "Don't Waste Your Life", and it has been echoing a lot of the things I have been learning from other areas - my own Bible reading, church and even some conversations with friends.

I don't have a specific path that I know I am being called to as yet. But I think one of the things God has been telling me over and over at this stage of my life and education is not to get fixed on one job or area as 'the one'. Be open to being used by him in ways that will surprise even you. Because ultimately, it isn't so much what you do that matters - it's why you are doing it and who you are serving by it. And though it seems hard to grasp, I am going to have infinitely more joy if I invest my life in serving God and serving others, than in following anything for me-centric reasons.

Wherever I go, whatever I do, all I know is I want to be reflecting Christ, being content in Christ, bringing glory to Christ and loving Christ above all else. That will not be a wasted life.

Mind Games

It only struck me this weekend, how much what is going on in our head impacts our emotional and spiritual reality. In addition to trying to focus on being away on a camp and getting to know new people, encourage them and lead well, I had other scholastic and family stuff going on in the background, not to mention my turbulent relationship with God. And amongst all this stuff, my mind began to cave in under the pressure....

I'm probably going to talk about this a lot of the next little while, because it's an area I need to do a lot of exploring in myself.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

One of the problems with what goes on in our heads is just that - that it is all inside your head. And by that I do not mean you are making it up. That is not what I mean at all. What I'm talking about is that we often don't talk about the deep things that we are churning over in our minds. We bottle them up inside, feeding on the stress they produce and making ourselves sick emotionally and spiritually.

Talk to someone. Most importantly, talk to God - pray. I wasn't doing this - falling into the trap of assuming my problems were mine to deal and God was too busy, too good, too anything that would give me a reason to horde my problems up inside and try to fight my own battles. This is crazy!!! Not only does God ask up to hand over what's stressing us out to him, but he tells us why he does - not prove he's better or he wants something done in return but because he loves us. He loves you. And God is a lot bigger than you, so he will handle it. The solution may not be what you want or expect, but it will be the best in the long run if you persevere.

Also, talk to other people. Give them a chance to pray for you and to speak wisdom into your life. Or even to just be there for you. When I was falling to pieces, one of the Christian men I am friends with just came and sat with me. He didn't ask me much, and he didn't say a huge amount, he was just there. And that often silent companionship meant a lot more to me than having advice thrown at me, or being asked to dissect my feelings and thoughts. Talking can also be good though. In the aftermath, I spent a long time with my best friend just confessing all the things that were on my heart and mind, that I hadn't been sharing. And she gave me some useful insights from her own experience in what God has been teaching her. You don't need to share everything, but please find someone you trust, someone who will pray for you and let them know as much as you feel comfortable sharing. Believe me, it helps.

Get the problems out there people, cause the more you keep them inside, the more they fester and consume you. Don't do what I did and try and be happy and smiling when you're crying inside. The "stained glass masquerade" (if you don't know what I mean by that, go check out Casting Crowns - they're awesome) never helps anyone; not us, not our friends and family and not those around us, trying to find out who Jesus is and what being a Christian is all about.

Taking Control: A Metaphor

Just an - an interesting metaphor - that I saw yesterday and really spoke to me. I was walking past the little park on the way to Redfern and there were two dogs playing there - one a little puppy, the other much bigger. The bigger dog had a stick in his mouth and was standing still holding on to it, while the little one was jumping up, trying to grab the stick and pull it from the other dog. But no matter how hard the little one pulled and jumped, he could not make the bigger dog release the stick. All he was doing was knocking the stick around. And it just reminded me of God and us...

God has made us - created us - and he's in control of the whole universe and our lives. We can't change that, just like the little dog can't make the big dog release the stick, because we are not God. We don't have his power or his wisdom or anything else for that matter. But like the little dog, we want control - not of a stick, but of our lives. But our attempts to grab control of our lives and pull it away from God (what the Bible calls sin) are not only fruitless, but also serve to knock us about. I'm sure you've felt the effects of sin damaging your life.

So what's the alternative? Knowing Christ died to bring us into relationship with God again, we can sit back and rest in the safety that our lives are in the best hands possible. Learn to trust him with your life - your whole life. This is where I so often fall down. I'm happy to trust God with little bits of my life, but not the whole thing...

Then instead of fighting over the stick, through the peace-making death of Jesus, we can again have relationship with God and can have an awesome time being joyful about that!

Cross Dressing

This is taken from a sermon at my church recently, that I wanted to share with you. A few of the thoughts are my own, but most of them are from one of our awesome pastors, Mike Everett, who preached the sermon. The passage was Ephesians 4:17-32.

Because of the new life we have in Christ, we don't want to keep walking as the world walks. And this extends to the way we 'dress' ourselves - the attitudes and behaviours we put on each day. Being new creations in Christ, we should be 'dressing' in a way that reflects the cross (hence the title :P).

But the old clothes- the sinful habits - are very comfy, and everyone else around is 'wearing' them, and so we start to blend in, no longer reflecting the hope within us - our calling to Christ. It's a daily battle to choose to put on the 'Jesus suit' - the decision to imitate Christ in thought, word and deed.

And how do we do it? By 'engaging you brain' and paying attention to the choices you are making and by filling your mind with the gospel. We have to practise at choosing God's way, persevere even when it's not what we want to do and pray, because we can only do it in his strength.

On Love

I was talking to a friend on the phone today, who was not feeling great for various reasons. At the end of the conversation, she thanked me for listening and then said "Love you". And so I naturally responded "Love you too."

When I got off the phone, my sister immediately said "Who were you talking to?" I explained that I was talking to this particular friend. My sister then responded "Why did you say 'I love you'? I don't say that to my friends." I was a little lost for words, and I tried to explain it as best I could to her, but I don't think I did a great job, so after having a good think about it, here is my answer.

I said 'I love you' because it's true. I love my friends. I think the world has a painfully narrow definition of love - you either love people in your family (because they are your family) or you love your romantic partner. But somewhere in the middle, we've lost the love that we have for our friends, the one that seeks to serve them and want to best for them and let them know that we care. In Australia, we often refer to this as 'mateship', but I think that's just a euphemism for a society too scared to admit what it really feels. It's love.

Jesus called us to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" and to "love your neighbour as yourself" (Matthew 22:37, 39). Now, I don't know about how you feel about yourself, but I usually want good things to come to me, and therefore if I'm going to obey God, this means wanting good for my friends - loving my friends. And if we can't love our friends, then how are we ever going to meet Jesus' challenge to love our enemies?

Whether you say it or not is up to you. I can only remember how, particularly when I am feeling down, it feels so special to know that someone loves you, not because they have to, but because they are your friend.

Inhibitions

Over the past 5 weeks, I have been doing an unpaid internship one morning a week at a local hospital. While this has been very exciting and I am sad that my stint there has come to an end, there's one thing I will miss more - the wait for the train afterward.

Let me give you some background. The hospital is close to a little station called Denistone, so small it is just two platforms and an unmanned office. I finish placement right in the middle of the day, so when I get to the station, it has always been completely deserted. So... you're sitting on a deserted train platform for 20 minutes with nothing to do. What do you do?

If you're anywhere near as crazy as me, you take this opportunity to sing whatever you want, as loud as want, because you can and no-one can hear you. I'm not a fantastic singer, so singing by myself in public is not something I would do by choice. But when I'm alone... it's so liberating to just be able to lift your voice to sing whatever you want, without anyone judging you, without your inhibitions of what others' might think weighing you down. For 20 minutes, it was freedom.

I'm going to miss Denistone Station.

Satisfactorily Single

I just realised that my last post was also about satisfaction. But I'm looking at a different area this time - relationships, rather than time.

Emily at Unfurling Flower did a post a day or two ago about why she was happy to be single. I thought I might add my two cents worth on this topic, because I really felt the truth of it that night. I was in the car with my younger sister, who is heading towards her first ever dating relationship, and she brought up my current romantic prospects.

At the moment, I'm not interested in any of the guys around me (sorry, boys :P) but more than that, I'm just not ready for a relationship. There's two key relationships I need to work on first, before I want to consider having a romantic relationship.

1. Relationship with God.
This is the most important relationship we are ever going to have, because it lasts for eternity. And even I (single as I am) know that if you don't have a firm basis in God, you're on shaky ground when it comes to weathering the storms of life. One thing that I'm continually amazed with about Jesus is that there is always more to be amazed at. I think C.S. Lewis captured it really well in the scene in Prince Caspian where Lucy meets Aslan again. She says to him "Aslan, you're bigger" and he replies "That's because you are." As we grow, normally the people around us seem to get smaller. But like Aslan, Jesus is the reverse of our expectations. The more mature we become as Christians, the more of Jesus we discover that astounds us and makes us fall deeper in love with him. And I guess that's the other part. Jesus has to be our first love, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I want my husband to love God more than he loves me, and for him to want me to put God above his own needs and wants. So relationship with God is critical.

2. Relationship with Self
This sounds a bit weird, but I think it is important. Being single is a great time to get to know yourself - who you are, your likes and dislikes, your talents and aspirations and dreams... One of my disciplers used to tell me how important it is to "be a good student of yourself" and I've come to see that. If you're not confident with who you are, what you can do and what you want in life, then how can you share yourself and a future with someone else?

I certainly haven't got all the answers to all these things yet, but I don't think I ever will... I'm not saying you need to have all the answers before you get married; just that you need to have enough of them to know with confidence who you are and more importantly who you are in Christ. But in the meantime, I'm having a lot of fun spending my singleness learning.

Satisfaction

Today is the first day since the 23rd February when I have not had a commitment at uni, work or some appointment to attend to. It feels so good to be at home.

Though I'm probably going to be on the computer for most of the day, trying to make an impact on the mountains of work that have built up over the last couple of weeks, I'm really happy. I've already got one thing done, and now I'm getting on to the second (out of six things I want to get finished today...) I know it must seem like I'm procrastinating by writing to you all about this, but really I'm not.... I'm waiting for all of my printing to come through.

But yeah, to make a point to all this.... Be grateful for the time you are given. Make good use of it. There's definitely a time for everything, so try and make the most of it! Sometimes this does mean just chilling - taking time for yourself, watching some TV or listening to music. But not when it is at the expense of more important things, like the time you spend with God, or your commitments to work or study.

Way to go, Sydney!

This week The Resurgence - one of the ministries of Mark Driscoll and co. from Mars Hill Church in Seattle - published the stats on who uses their site, which focuses on equipping people for ministry in reaching their cities, in a culturally relevant AND Biblically faithful way. And guess what? Sydney-siders were the second biggest users of the site, topped only by Seattle - the home of Mars Hill Church. We came in ahead of London (double the population) and New York (five times the population)! Not that statistics are the most important thing, but this is really encouraging to me...

Around 10 months ago, Mark Driscoll came to Australia and gave a talk called "Burn Your Plastic Jesus". Amongst all the great stuff he said, there was one comment that really stuck with me. Mark was complimenting Sydney on its beautiful harbour and parklands, and he said something along the lines of "But you know, this is the problem. You guys know you have it so good, and you think, this is Heaven, this is all there is." (I think he phrased it much better than that but that was the general idea.) And that really struck a nerve, because it is so true! Sydney (and Australia in general for that matter - I'm a Melbourne girl by birth) is a really great place to live - as much as we complain about it, we do have great health care, education, food and so on, and a beautiful country to boot. And we think, it can't get any better than this. But it can, cause none of it means anything unless God is in the centre of the picture.

And though Mark was mostly talking about non-Christians, I think Christians can be equally guilty of this: "Oh, we have a great country, we have free of religion and the right to meet as a church free from persecution." But that's not what God calls us to, to just happily meet together and 'do church' and that's it. We are commissioned to go out and reach our cities and ultimately the world. And seeing the number of Sydney-siders (over 15,000!) visiting a site like The Resurgence last year gives me hope that as a Christian community, we are catching on to that vision, to reach our whole city and beyond.

You're the God of this city, you're the King of this people, you're
the Lord of this nation, you are - Chris
Tomlin

A Conversation of Value

Do you ever get that feeling that you’re special, just because someone took the time to be interested in you? I had that feeling recently.

One afternoon I accidentally got on an all stops train instead of my normal express. Concerned I was going to miss my bus connection, I decided to get off at the next station and change onto the express, which would come through a couple of minutes later. Waiting on the platform at the next station was a lady holding a purple flower. We made eye contact and smiled politely at each other, as you do at bus stops and train stations, then I wandered over to check the timetable, only to find both the express and all stops train reached my destination at exactly the same time. Go figure.

So the express arrived and I boarded and the lady with the flower got on behind me. We stood next to each other holding on to one of the poles. She began to twirl the flower around, and I started watching, which she noticed. And so she started talking to me.

I don’t usually have random conversations on trains; I usually get quite freaked out. But when this lady casually enquired if I had come from work or from uni, I found I was happy to tell her about my day and enquired about what she occupied herself with. We didn’t exchange any personal information – as you may be able to tell, I don’t even know her name. But I can tell you that talking to her really turned my day around. I was able to share with her my opinion on various health care issues, and to listen to her experiences and difficulties with the health care system. It made me feel valued, and I hope she felt that way too. And I hope I can pay the favour forward one day, in making someone else feel heard, even if it is by a complete stranger whose name you don’t even know.

A Proverbs 31 woman...

I've been following a devotional which looks at the woman described in verses 10-31 of Proverbs 31 and I wanted to summarise them here, to help me remember what I've learned.

1. The only image of womanhood that we want to be aiming for is the one presented in the Bible, not the one found in magazines or movies.
2. We are all, as Christian women, on the road to being like this woman. It's the Pantene Principle (It won't happen overnight, but it will happen). And we can't do it on our own - we need God and the Spirit to make us grow.
3. We are going to fail, but we have to keep pressing on. A godly woman is strong in charcter - she knows who she is - a child of God through Christ - and what she is living for.
4. Godly women make great wives! Seriously! What guy wouldn't want to marry a girl who is working toward being a woman who is trustworthy, faithful, encouraging and who serves and builds her husband up?
5. Women do a lot of work, whether they stay at home or not! They have a major role in ministering to the needs of their home.
6. A godly woman goes about her work with joy. Yes, even when she's vacuuming or scrubbing. Why? Becuase this is an expression of love for the others who share our life, and ultimately our love for God.
7. Watch what you say, especially to those closest to you!
8. Keep watch over your home, whether you live with family or flatmates. Look out for those in your home spiritually and emotionally, as well as looking after your home itself! (Yes, I did just write that... now my parents can officially come after me for the state of my room!)
9. Make time for the important stuff, like praying for your family and friends and serving their needs, but cutting out the not-so-important stuff, like hours on Facebook or chatting.
10. Nothing will change unless we depend of God's strength, that we can lay down our lives that we may gain them.

Always and Forever

It’s funny. Eternity is such a ridiculously long time that I think we almost try and avoid thinking about it. But a little while ago I was thinking about it. I was writing a birthday card.

I always used to sign birthday cards “with love today and always”. And then I stopped, because I started thinking, ‘It’s pretty ridiculous for me to be promising that I will love someone forever’, when I was only 15 years old. I mean, you’re not even friends with the same people from year to year, let along loving them that long.

But writing this card got me thinking about it. If my friend and I are going to see each other again in Heaven, then I can honestly say “I will love you forever”. And the best part is, the majority of those years are not going to be my human waxing and waning love, but the full and complete love found only in perfect relationship with God. It gives great confidence, that even if your paths lead you down totally separate roads, that friendships built on the foundation of the gospel will last the test of time, because it is a love that continues into eternity.

It’s a good day.

[I wrote this over a week ago now, but it's still true...]

As humans, we can be incredibly fickle. Or at least I can… I shouldn’t really speak on behalf of the entire human populace. But I’m fairly certain I’m not the only one.

I just had an amazing day. I was invited by my campus Christian group to go to another uni campus in my city to help out with their Orientation Week, as it is one of the biggest weeks for evangelism in uni ministry all year. And we saw God do amazing things! Almost one in four students we approached wanted to be followed up either to learn more about Christianity or to join a Bible study group. I even got a contact of a girl from my own uni, who was just checking out the festivities with her friends from the other uni. God was so good to us, and really used the team of students powerfully.

And then when I got home, I found my uni had made a paper work error and not given me my travel concession for the year – without which I cannot afford to travel to uni each day. All the jubilation I felt about what I had seen God do earlier went out the window, and was quickly replaced by irritation and discontent.

And that is what I wonder about? Why do I fall into unhappiness so easily? Is the God who made our outreach such a success also God over the admin at my uni? Can He not use this for good and for His renown? Not doubting God when things don’t turn out my way will be a challenge I think, but one that must be faced.

Overdoing It

Do you ever think sometimes you push yourself a little past your own limits?

I do it all the time, and I cant seem to figure out how to make myself stop.

This week has been a huge week - universities here are about to start back, which means it's Orientation Week at many campuses. For a few days, the uni takes on the carnival type atmosphere as students explore all the clubs they could join. It's an awesome time for evangelism, because everyone is really open to talking about what they believe.

But when you take an already exhausted girl, put her in the sun for two days, and then feed her junk food... you get one very sick human being. After 4 days of being a whirlwind activity, I leaped at the chance to go out for dinner with a close friend as a way to chill out. However, I made a mistake... Instead of actually thinking, "can my body handle this?", I just plunged headlong into it, and filled myself with more junk food. Predictably, my body didn't like it, and what should have been a fun night out to catch up ended with me being sick into a garbage bin outside the shopping centre. Tres elegante, n'est pas? I am very thankful for my friend for how well he looked after me, particularly when I didn't deserve it at all.

But my misadventure should be a powerful lesson to me. Not only did I end up miserable for embarrassing myself so badly in front of my friend, but I was too sick to go back to help with the outreach the next day... my last opportunity to help with O-Week mission ever, as this is my final year at uni. I need to learn to slow down, and do what I can handle. Don't push yourself beyond your limits, for your own sake or to please others. It isn't the road to happiness.

Waiting for the World to Fall

I feel like I am trapped in a period of waiting - the calm before the storm. There is so much about to happen in my life, and there's only so much I can do to prepare for it. I am waiting for:

• my best friend to come home for overseas. I miss her incredibly, and if it wasn't ridiculously expensive, I would be on the phone right now telling her that. There is a lot going on at the moment, and it will be strange not to have her there beside me.
• university classes to resume. We are all get used to patterns and rules and working within them. I have had a whole summer of freedom, and soon I will be back to the routine of classes. Part of me is glad to be returning to the familiar comfort of routine, knowing what each day will hold, while another part mourns losing the chance to do what I like, whenever I like.
• campus ministry to start up. I am planning to be very involved in the Christian movement at my campus this year and I can't wait to see how God draws new students in and uses the students currently involved to spread the gospel on campus.
• my graduation. I know this is a long way off, but I am very much aware that this is my last year of tertiary studies. I'm not sure what direction God has planned for me once I graduate, but I am excited to find out.

Waiting is such a strange feeling. It's mixture of nervousness and excitement and sometimes a touch of fear. But waiting can be difficult. A couple of weeks ago, my friends and I had a five hour wait at the airport for our flight home. But we got so caught up in distracting ourselves from the long wait, we almost missed our flight, even though we'd been sitting in the airport for 5 hours!

Waiting is hard, but there's also a purpose in it. It might be that more preparation is needed or you're just not ready. But there is a season for everything, and that includes waiting.

Sadness in the Air

It feels at the moments like there is sadness drifting through the air like mist, clouding vision and choking life and laughter.

Many people have lost their lives to fires that are ravaging parts of my country. Hundreds of properties have been destroyed. There is a great public sadness, some of which is personal to me as the homes of friends and family are threatened.

There is also more private sadness. My closest friend has lost a loved one, and I cannot help but mourn as she mourns. As with my sister, I cannot see her cry without crying myself. And her sadness is understandable, for her relative lived far away, and it has been a long time between visits, and now it seems too late.

Here on Earth, we suffer. We suffer because this world is out of kilter - it has sin. And because it has sin, it has death. But in the very heart of it all, there is hope. Hope that rolled away the stone on the third day and defeated death once and for all time.

Growing Pains

"And all too soon, the clock will strike midnight, and she'll be gone."
Cinderella, Steven Curtis Chapman

It seems strange to think that I'm growing up. It kind of crept up on me this summer as I watched one friend get married, had another friend have a baby and started jetsetting around the country having adventures of my own. I don't think there has been a consecutive 7 days where I've slept every night in my own bed. I think this saddens my parents, as they see me beginning to disappear from their daily life and form a separate life for myself.

I feel like the old me is sort of slipping away. Sure, I'm still the vaguely hysterical, giggling girl who talks for hours on the phone to her best friend when given the chance and loves mucking around in the pool/at the beach/in the river with her mates, and will spontaneously break into song and dance at moments when it's least expected. But at the same time, I am becoming someone who has a vision for a campus ministry, who makes planning decisions and who attends meetings and conferences. It's a strange dichotomy, and all tangled up with it are the changes Christ is making in me, growing me in the fruits of the Spirit and peeling away the layers of self. You occasionally catch a glimpse of the Spirit at work, like a flickering in your peripheral vision, when you face a difficult situation and react differently to how you would have in the past.

Seeing these changes in myself is strange, and in a way it frightens me, when I myself am the unfamiliar environment. It makes me want to run back to the familiar - my old life - and hide there until everything goes back to 'normal'. The constant tug of war between this and the desire to 'press on toward the goal' causes what I call "growing pains".

Unfallen Tears

I had the fantastic opportunity last night to see Casting Crowns live in concert in Brisbane. This has been their first trip to Australia, and their concert was awesome! If you are ever offered the chance to see them, even if you're not familiar with their music, I would highly recommend you go see them.

I love their music, although sometimes I think I become over-familiar with it, and it becomes less meaningful - just a beautiful collection of notes and rhyming phrases strung together. But last night I was really struck by the lyrics of "Does Anybody Hear Her?" Mark Hall was talking about the girl who inspired the story - a girl, only high school age, who came along to his youth group, only to be turned away by the judgemental attitudes of some of the Christians.

Part of it made me sad, thinking of not dissimilar moments in my own life, where I have struggled with throwing my self after the wrong things and with hypocrisy in the church. It made me want to cry, but I could not. The tears would not fall, because even as the sadness grew, so did the hope of the knowledge that my fate was not to keep wandering. God found me, and he drew me into a family of believers who accepted me just as I am, and even better, he accepted me into His family. Stains and all.

So if you are still wandering, keep seeking. Even if you've had bad experiences with the church before, keep trying. God is much bigger and much better than the church could even be. The church is just a imperfect pointer to a perfect God, who loves you.

It was the book's fault, I swear!

Do you think its possible that a work of fiction can take over your mind and heart?

I do.

I know it sounds foolish, but I have just finished reading the (huge) latest installment in one of my favourite fantasy series, The Obernewtyn Chronicles, and in some ways, I found myself struggling to escape the book. Not just in a "I couldn't put it down" kind of way. I mean, when I did put it down, for the necessary tasks of eating, sleeping and spending time with family and friends, it was still there, within my mind. If you think I sound insane, stop reading now.

Sometimes, you just connect with the story's narrator, so that you aren't just listening to the story, you become a part of them. You start asking "Where will I be taken next? What is happening to my friends?" And when you are forced to stop reading for a little while, you are still partially that person. Their expressions creep into your speech and you start to have thoughts that reflect their 'point of view' of a situation, more than your own. And then finally you finish the book, and the spell is broken.

The written word is a powerful tool. As a reader and sometimes writer, I know this quite well. But it always shocks me, the hold some books can have on my mind and even my heart - for my emotions tend to follow my thoughts closely. So be careful what you read!

5 Daily Essentials

I was away interstate last night visiting extended family - just overnight, and so only took an overnight bag with PJs, toothbrush, hairbrush and my essential books. But it made me realise how there are certain parts of my day that are 'essentials' of my day, and that I miss when my routine is disturbed. In no particular order:-

• Quiet Time. It's often not as well done as I would like it to be, but if I don't read something from the Bible, and spend some time talking to God, I really feel like there is something missing.
• Journaling. I've kept a journal for over 3 years now, and it's become invaluable, as a means of reflecting on joys and challenges, of recording significant moments and of seeing how much I've grown.
• Tea. I love tea. Contrary to the opinion of most uni students, I think it is far superior to coffee. I usually have 4 cups a day, of varying flavours.
• Music. Barely a day goes past when I don't listen to music in some form. Whether it's the CD that comes on as my alarm in the mornings, my mp3 player on the train or my computer as I catch up with emails, Facebook and the blogsphere, music really helps to lift my mood - and depending what I listen to - often recentre me on what's important.
• Alone Time. While I love people, my friends and my family, I am one of those people who needs to spend at least a few minutes of the day alone to sort out my thoughts and emotions, or I end up as an emotional screwball.