Marking time

Do you ever feel like you're running on the spot?

I think I've been feeling like this for a while, without realising why. I had no forward momentum, being so caught up with work and people and stuff, that I stopped going deeper with God. I stopped growing spiritually. And I think perhaps part of that was fear - fear of trusting every last piece of my heart and my will up to God. It seemed safer to stay where I was. I was already there; I knew the territory; it was comfortable. But the problem with trying to stay the same is that everything will keep changing around you, and sooner or later the current is going to take you with it. I was blessed that, for me, that current was my best friend, who has (metaphorically) given me a good push in the right direction. We're doing a great study series together at the moment that focuses on spiritual growth. But not everyone has a best friend like mine, and the danger is the current will be the world's current, which is rushing away from God as fast as it can go. So, are you going to choose to move forward in faith, or are you going to keep hesitating until the world drags you back?

Exist. Together.

Sometimes just being together is enough.

I went to visit my best friend today. Just stopped over for 15 minutes on my way home, just because I could. We didn't talk much. We just sat and did the puzzles in the newspaper, and discussing crossword clues and which numbers went where in the kenken puzzle took up the majority of what we spoke about.

But sometimes, just doing something simple and not talking about it is enough, for the mere fact that you are together and you both know that words aren't really all that necessary. You've already said it all just by being there.

Tuesday Tunes: Edition 1

I love music. Yes, I do. And so I've decided that every now and then, I am going to share with you a song (or part of a song) that has touched my heart. And so, it gives me great pleasure to present to you "Spoken For" by MercyMe.

Take this world from me
I don’t need it anymore
I am finally free
My heart is spoken for
Oh and I praise You
Oh and I worship You

Covered by a love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear You say, “This one’s Mine”
My heart is spoken for

Now I have a peace
That I’ve never known before
I find myself complete
My heart is spoken for
Oh and I praise You
Oh and I worship You

By the power of the cross
You’ve taken what was lost
And made it fully Yours
I have been redeemed
By You who spoke to me
Now I am spoken for

Take this world from me
I don't need it anymore

Written by MercyMe and Peter Kipley© 2002 Simpleville Music (ASCAP) / Songs from the Indigo Room (SESAC)


I'm very fond of MercyMe, but in particular this song, the title track of their second album. It always reminds me that God wants me just as I am, and that other than Him, I don't need anything else to complete me. Not a university degree, not a boyfriend, not perfect health. Nothing.

And my response can only be to give over my heart to Him. There is nothing in the world that I need so much as Him, and even though it's often not the case, I would love to be able to stand up to the world and tell it to leave my heart alone, because I've already given it all away to the God whom I love.

Dedicated to the singing cucumber who stole my heart

Sometimes I think I spend far more time doing what I think will make me happy, than doing what actually does make me happy. Confused? Let me explain.

On Sunday I was trying to work hard on putting together my resume, as the time is fast approaching when I will (hopefully) graduate and need employment. But, as you do, after a couple of hours of working on this document, I found I was becoming less and less productive and realised it was time for a break. So as is my usually bad habit, I went onto my favourite games site on the net and started to play, only to find it wasn't really giving me any happiness. At a loss as to what to do to console myself, I wandered upstairs and flipped on the television, only to find that VeggieTales was on. Now, for anyone not familiar with VeggieTales, it is a Christian children's cartoon, where singing vegetables act out Bible stories or stories about knowing God. Yes, it sounds ridiculous. But it's also fabulous.

I haven't watched a whole episode of VeggieTales since I was in primary school, but that day, it was exactly what I needed. Even in his ridiculously high pitched cucumber-y voice, Larry reminded me of some important things about God I had been ignoring and also what it means to just have fun. Even if that means singing along at the top of your voice completely crazy songs about water buffaloes and blue kangaroos.

More than you think you are...

I was having a conversation the other day with one of my closest friends, and I must admit I was being a little emo and venting all my 'issues' on the poor guy. And he said to me that I was a gem, and to make light of it all I jokingly said "What colour?"

And this is what he replied to me "Rainbow to show the many different facets of your character that makes you such a valuable gem".
(Yes, all the girls reading this may now swoon...).

Opals are one of the most expensive gemstones in the world. They may appear black or white on the outside, but when light hits them at the right angle, they become an riot of colours. And this is true of every soul, only I had forgotten it.

We are all more than the colour we see on the surface. Often we get trapped into thinking of ourselves one way - in many cases a very negative way. But we are more than we think we are. I may see myself as a student or a patient because that is the role I am filling that day. But there is so much more underneath.

I am friend-sister-daughter-leader-student-patient-carer-follower-mentor-counsellor-artist-listener-evangelist-musician-intercessor-witness. And these are only the ones I could think of at the moment.

But just like the opal, you will only see yourself truly in the light.

Jesus answered "I am the way and the truth and the light" John 14:6

If you want to know who you are truly, you need to see yourself through the eyes of the one who made you and the one who saved you. To quote a song I rather like, identity is found in Christ (Identity, Lecrae).

A Simple Gift

You know how sometimes there are people in your life that you could never say or do enough to thank them for being there for you? My best friend is definitely tops the list, but there are also two guys out there who have a very special place in my heart and who I couldn't imagine surviving the last year without. This is a small present to them. Excuse the strange first line... it came out of a random comment from my best friend, when we were hanging out with one of the guys and she saw something stuck on his wall.


To my heart's dearest brothers - ASD and MSC

This is a love letter
you may put on your wall
Tell the whole world -
I've told them before
You've been there
to pick me up when I fall.
Brother of my heart
I couldn't ask for more.

There have been dark days
and even harder nights.
Yet through it all I see
you stood by my side
Helping me back towards
the unfading Light
Brother of my heart -
example, friend and guide.

As It Comes...

I woke up this morning feeling inexplicable joyful.

It may have had something to do with the fact that I had 10 hours sleep, that I dreamed of old friends, that last night I finally was granted the courage to start a new journal. But whatever it is, I'm taking it as it comes and revelling in it.

I've had some pretty 'down' moments over the last few months. But in the midst of one of them, I was reading John 16 and I came across this verse:

22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will
rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

It's definitely a promise that I'm going to be holding onto. I know that the way life is means we will face both sadness and joy and I will take them both in turn. But I will continue to look to the day when all my sadness is gone and I will have a joy that cannot be taken away.

A Poetic Turn

This started off as something entirely different... it was originally a poem of thanks to a friend, but somehow became something else entirely. I'm not sure about a couple of the lines... but I needed to 'publish' it or I will keep using up time when I should be doing assignments tweaking it.


"Of Grace"

Out of the darkness you heard my cries
Fought a path through the forest of lies
Called me beloved and opened my eyes
To grace

You whispered of a Way and a Light
To lead my heart from its starless night
Having tasted it, my soul will fight
For grace

Unashamedly my soul now sings
For God has given this fledgling wings
My spirit soars free as each dawn brings
His grace

KJGH, May 2009

Chasing Sunsets

I catch the train home from uni most nights - around a 30-35 minute ride - in the late afternoon, which at the moment (as we're approaching winter here in the Southern Hemisphere) is around the time the sun is setting, and my train travels directly west, following the disappearing sun.

I was sitting on the train a couple of days ago, when I happened to look up from my book and realize that out the window behind me was an incredibly amazing sunset -an incredible red-orange sun illuminating pink clouds and sending off those visible beams of sparkly golden light. It was beautiful and the sight of it lifted away all the clouds of emotional worry that had been ruling my day up until then.

I turned back from the window to see if anyone else in the carriage had caught the same taste of glorious joy from the image of it that I had, but no. They all still had their heads buried in books, magazines, the newspaper, the PSP, the iPod. And I really thought at that moment... this is what our society is. We're so busy chasing after happiness from anywhere that promises it, that we miss the simple moments of true joy, in merely being a witness to God's magnificent creation.

Inhibitions

Over the past 5 weeks, I have been doing an unpaid internship one morning a week at a local hospital. While this has been very exciting and I am sad that my stint there has come to an end, there's one thing I will miss more - the wait for the train afterward.

Let me give you some background. The hospital is close to a little station called Denistone, so small it is just two platforms and an unmanned office. I finish placement right in the middle of the day, so when I get to the station, it has always been completely deserted. So... you're sitting on a deserted train platform for 20 minutes with nothing to do. What do you do?

If you're anywhere near as crazy as me, you take this opportunity to sing whatever you want, as loud as want, because you can and no-one can hear you. I'm not a fantastic singer, so singing by myself in public is not something I would do by choice. But when I'm alone... it's so liberating to just be able to lift your voice to sing whatever you want, without anyone judging you, without your inhibitions of what others' might think weighing you down. For 20 minutes, it was freedom.

I'm going to miss Denistone Station.

Satisfactorily Single

I just realised that my last post was also about satisfaction. But I'm looking at a different area this time - relationships, rather than time.

Emily at Unfurling Flower did a post a day or two ago about why she was happy to be single. I thought I might add my two cents worth on this topic, because I really felt the truth of it that night. I was in the car with my younger sister, who is heading towards her first ever dating relationship, and she brought up my current romantic prospects.

At the moment, I'm not interested in any of the guys around me (sorry, boys :P) but more than that, I'm just not ready for a relationship. There's two key relationships I need to work on first, before I want to consider having a romantic relationship.

1. Relationship with God.
This is the most important relationship we are ever going to have, because it lasts for eternity. And even I (single as I am) know that if you don't have a firm basis in God, you're on shaky ground when it comes to weathering the storms of life. One thing that I'm continually amazed with about Jesus is that there is always more to be amazed at. I think C.S. Lewis captured it really well in the scene in Prince Caspian where Lucy meets Aslan again. She says to him "Aslan, you're bigger" and he replies "That's because you are." As we grow, normally the people around us seem to get smaller. But like Aslan, Jesus is the reverse of our expectations. The more mature we become as Christians, the more of Jesus we discover that astounds us and makes us fall deeper in love with him. And I guess that's the other part. Jesus has to be our first love, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I want my husband to love God more than he loves me, and for him to want me to put God above his own needs and wants. So relationship with God is critical.

2. Relationship with Self
This sounds a bit weird, but I think it is important. Being single is a great time to get to know yourself - who you are, your likes and dislikes, your talents and aspirations and dreams... One of my disciplers used to tell me how important it is to "be a good student of yourself" and I've come to see that. If you're not confident with who you are, what you can do and what you want in life, then how can you share yourself and a future with someone else?

I certainly haven't got all the answers to all these things yet, but I don't think I ever will... I'm not saying you need to have all the answers before you get married; just that you need to have enough of them to know with confidence who you are and more importantly who you are in Christ. But in the meantime, I'm having a lot of fun spending my singleness learning.

A Conversation of Value

Do you ever get that feeling that you’re special, just because someone took the time to be interested in you? I had that feeling recently.

One afternoon I accidentally got on an all stops train instead of my normal express. Concerned I was going to miss my bus connection, I decided to get off at the next station and change onto the express, which would come through a couple of minutes later. Waiting on the platform at the next station was a lady holding a purple flower. We made eye contact and smiled politely at each other, as you do at bus stops and train stations, then I wandered over to check the timetable, only to find both the express and all stops train reached my destination at exactly the same time. Go figure.

So the express arrived and I boarded and the lady with the flower got on behind me. We stood next to each other holding on to one of the poles. She began to twirl the flower around, and I started watching, which she noticed. And so she started talking to me.

I don’t usually have random conversations on trains; I usually get quite freaked out. But when this lady casually enquired if I had come from work or from uni, I found I was happy to tell her about my day and enquired about what she occupied herself with. We didn’t exchange any personal information – as you may be able to tell, I don’t even know her name. But I can tell you that talking to her really turned my day around. I was able to share with her my opinion on various health care issues, and to listen to her experiences and difficulties with the health care system. It made me feel valued, and I hope she felt that way too. And I hope I can pay the favour forward one day, in making someone else feel heard, even if it is by a complete stranger whose name you don’t even know.

And I say thank you...

God provides.

For the last couple of weeks now, I have been preparing for a mission trip to a coastal town, where we minister to school leavers who are at the beach to party. Part of this preparation is raising the funds to go, by asking those around us to support our ministry. I don't know if anyone else has had to raise money before, but asking people for money is scary. Particularly if you're naturally fairly guarded with money, like me.

And as one does, when you're scared about something and you're busy with other things - like exam study and honours applications - you try and push these things back as long as possible. And then you realise that the longer you put them off, the worse it gets.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I finally worked (and prayed) up the courage to approach my church for money. I'm fairly new there, not known to many in the congregation, so I thought a few friends and acquaintances might give me something, but had no idea where the rest was going to come from. Kit of little faith! I turn up to church and am greeted by people who don't even know me, but have heard about the mission trip, and want to support me, and walk out of the church at the end of service, holding almost the full amount, with promises from a couple more who don't have cash on them to give me money later.

I got home and went to my room, and for the first 10 minutes, all I could do was fall on my knees and laugh and cry at the same time, with two words the only ones I could speak. Thank you.

Where I am from...

This is the speech I gave at my 21st birthday, which was last week - you may have noticed I had to change my header quote from Elizabeth Bennet's "not yet one and twenty" because I now am! It is a sort of poem - I got the idea from Elizabeth at The Merry Rose, who published hers a few momths ago now. There is also a website which explains how to write your own here. There are some explanatory notes at the bottom.

I am from the warmth of a crotcheted blanket, from vegemite on Sao biscuits and from Cruskits smeared with honey, eaten with my grandmother, hearing stories during breakfast in bed.

I am from the fragrant lavender and gardenias along our front path, the heavenly scented wisteria that drooped overhead and the weeping cherry who sways gracefully in the wind and blossoms in the spring, outside my bedroom window. I am from the creek where tadpoles were captured and from the mint and tomato plants that grew intertwined in my grandfather’s garden, sweetening the sea air.

I am from Scotch pride and from stories reported differently with every telling, some tales older than the hills and maybe a little overgrown with fiction. I am from the farm at Harry’s Creek, the post office in Yackandandah and those lost buildings of Old Tallangatta. From the little house where Grace lived and read her Bible every night and the street where bones were broken riding into a parked truck in the dark.

I am from Elizabeth’s prejudice and Mr Darcy’s pride, from Anne at Green Gables and her diamond bursts and marble halls, from Rebecca and her fairy story of Sunnybrook Farm. I am from worlds inhabited by dragons and dryads, where fey moons rise over emerald forests and epic quests for magic lions and magic rings unfold through the unlikeliest of heroes.

I am from long conversations on instant messenger programs and hours spent viewing the world through a computer screen. I am from a life with many cables attached, that yearns for the simplicity of the hand-written and the handmade.

I am from the sherry trifle for every special occasion, always with that extra dash of sherry for good measure, and from rich warm casseroles on the coldest of nights, straight out of the oven and soaking into toast.

I am from my father’s answers for a child never satisfied with not knowing why or how or when or what; from my mother’s arms around me, sacrificing her sleep when I could not, holding my hand through each time of stress or sickness or pain. I am from the games I played with my sister, the songs that we would sing, jumping of beds in our pyjamas and those old clothes we would dress up in when we were princesses or witches, nurses or brides.

I am from a second birth, a new creation of God, changed by grace and love, given yet wholly undeserved; from the Potter’s hand, which took an uncertain and unwilling heart - claimed it, reworked it and gave it purpose.

I am from a past of plenty – many smiles and tears, memories and photographs and stories. And I am from a future that will be far richer, in joy and in suffering, in wonder and in sadness and in hope, and always in love, as I discover who He made me be...


Notes:

Stanza 1: My maternal grandmother passed away when I was in Year 8. I miss her greatly, though I have strong and treasured memories of sitting up in bed with her each morning. My aunt would always bring Grandma her morning tea and the decribed biscuits (with extra ones for the little intruders) and Grandma would tell us stories of when she or her daughters were little. All the time there would be much fussing as to whether my sister and I were bundled up warm enough.

Stanza 3: The places listed as of historical significance to my mother's family. Grace was my dad's grandmother, and was something of a family matriarch. She was also the last 'born-again' Christian in my family before me. It seems doubly ironic to me that as well as inheriting her faith, I also inherited her name. (It's one of my middle names, for any one confused.) My dad broke his collarbone riding his bike down his street in the dark.

Stanza 4: Yes, in many ways, I am a 21st century girl - I love MSN, Blogger and my iPod! But I also love the satisfaction of knitting my own cushion covers, embroidering a brithday present for a friend and am looking forward to the challenge of learning to crochet this winter!

Stanza 8: A few people have questioned my use of suffering and sadness in my list of things I'm 'looking forward' to in the future. I'm not saying that I'm excited for the sad times or pain. I just know that God has a life planned for me that is going to challenge me as much as it is going to be joyful and beautiful.

Semi-Charmed Kind of Life

I've just been reminded tonight and this morning (it's very early morning here, believe me) about how truly blessed I am...

I've just come home from seeing the most fabulous production of Phantom of the Opera, held at the Lyric Theatre in Sydney. It was wonderful, the beautiful singing, the passion of the acting, the incredibly effects, and just the magic of the whole atmosphere - plus I got to share it with someone as dear to me as a sister, as well as 11 other awesome friends and acquaintances. We were talking about musicals afterward, and the comment of a friend made me realise how lucky and indulged I was as a child, that I have experienced so much of the theatre and its magic. How many kids nowadays get taken to at least 5 musicals before the age of 9? My parents have been very good to me, and it's only now I realise just how incredibly blessed I was.

The other thing, which is even more special, is knowing that I am blessed by God. I had an exam two weeks ago, that was incredibly hard. I was certain I was going to fail. And not just a "Oh, I don't think I did incredibly well and I don't want to lose face" but a "I had know idea what they were asking in that question, and I hadn't even studied that material" kind of fail. But God "saw me out of the corner of his eye" and He carried me through. I can only say that the wisdom that ended up on that paper must have been heaven sent, because I certainly didn't take it into the exam with me. So, here's to God, for carrying me through this exam and giving me another chance.