Can't Slow Down

The title of today's post comes from a piece on the Pride and Prejudice (2005) soundtrack, but I think it accurately represents a certain aspect of my life that amuses and confuses me.

The idea of being a workaholic has always seemed such a foreign concept to me, since I have always been a daydreamer who has always loved puzzles, books, arts and crafts... anything where I can easily spend a whole day doing not a lot really. But since I have started working (and working in health in particular perhaps) I have seen how easily I can fall into the trap of working too much. I've seen my arrival times at work get earlier, my leaving times get later, my breaks get shorter... One day, I almost forgot to have lunch because I was just so wrapped up in what I was doing.

It hasn't helped that I'm also studying part-time in addition to working full-time. I had a major exam last week, and so for an entire month before, I've been coming home and studying for 2-3 hours each night after working an 8 hour shift. But now the exam is over and I find myself unable to slow down and relax. My first night off, I found myself wandering from room to room, hoping something would come up to do, because I had no job, nothing I was working towards. It's strange, for someone who could formerly bludge a day away quite easily.

I don't know how to summarise all this, other than to say that I'm working towards a happy medium. I love working, but I don't want it to absorb my life. I love relaxing, but I also have things I've like to achieve. Not sure how I'll go walking that tightrope though.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot....

Continuing in my trawling through my memoirs of old, I came upon an account of a party. This was the 18th birthday celebration of someone I was quite good friends with during the final years of high school. It was a great time, of food and movies and generally frivolity.

And I have not spoken to the birthday girl in 4 years.

It's funny how we lose touch with people. It happens all the time. Out of the 100 or so girls who were in my grade at high school, I still talk to 4 on a semi-regular basis. I've heard it said that we usually base our friendships on either proximity or pursuits - that is you are in the same place or like the same things. I've also head someone say that you only move from acquaintances to friends when you see someone in a context other than the one in which you first met them.

My friendship with the girl from high school couldn't be sustained under a lack of shared proximity or pursuits. We lacked that deep connection that motivated us to pursue our friendship and fight for it when it became harder. Because the strongest friendships are those that are built on the solid foundations of the gospel... I'm sure there is much more that could be said on this topic, but Mark Driscoll covers it far better than I could in this sermon.

In Limbo

It's a strange feeling, but at the moment I feel like I'm in limbo, suspended between finishing university and starting full-time work. I'm just kind of floating around. There is nothing I have to do at the moment, and my mind doesn't really know how to cope with the lack of pressure.

I've started a multitude of creative projects, just to give myself something to do. Cause you discover very quickly that while the idea of having no commitments, no deadlines and no responsibilities sounds fantastic in theory, it actually gets rather tedious much quicker than you expect.

At the moment, in no particular order, I am:
- making a dress
- writing 2 books
- starting a new blogging project
- embroidering a tablecloth
- cleaning my room and study from top to bottom


These are things I would probably have only had as vague ideas unless I had so much time on my hands.

You know what the other things that really been filling up my day has been? Having a decent quiet time, of sitting and talking to God and just waiting on Him for answers. I always struggled with having a consistent quiet time while at uni. There was always so many things gathering to drag me back into the world. Phone buzzing, emails arriving, deadlines looming. And now... nothing. So, I plan to use this time to set a good habit that I can keep to once I start work in January.

Time After Time

It's been a while since my last post - 21 days to be exact. And how much has happened in that time!

I got an internship position for next year at a great hospital, which is such an amazing answer to my prayers and those of many of my friends who were kind enough to be praying about my employment for next year.

But getting a job has really confirmed for me that I will be graduating uni at the end of this year, and that my life is about to change dramatically. I've already been feeling the hints of maturity creeping in... A good friend is getting married in December, while I had the joy a few weeks ago of playing with the 9 month old son of one of my closest high school friends.

As I extricate myself from my wallowing in nostalgia, I will only add in closing that all that has happened in the past few weeks has served to remind me both of God's goodness and also his sovereignty. I was listening to an old hymn a few days ago, which begins " 'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus". I can only say Amen to that.

Dedicated to the singing cucumber who stole my heart

Sometimes I think I spend far more time doing what I think will make me happy, than doing what actually does make me happy. Confused? Let me explain.

On Sunday I was trying to work hard on putting together my resume, as the time is fast approaching when I will (hopefully) graduate and need employment. But, as you do, after a couple of hours of working on this document, I found I was becoming less and less productive and realised it was time for a break. So as is my usually bad habit, I went onto my favourite games site on the net and started to play, only to find it wasn't really giving me any happiness. At a loss as to what to do to console myself, I wandered upstairs and flipped on the television, only to find that VeggieTales was on. Now, for anyone not familiar with VeggieTales, it is a Christian children's cartoon, where singing vegetables act out Bible stories or stories about knowing God. Yes, it sounds ridiculous. But it's also fabulous.

I haven't watched a whole episode of VeggieTales since I was in primary school, but that day, it was exactly what I needed. Even in his ridiculously high pitched cucumber-y voice, Larry reminded me of some important things about God I had been ignoring and also what it means to just have fun. Even if that means singing along at the top of your voice completely crazy songs about water buffaloes and blue kangaroos.

As It Comes...

I woke up this morning feeling inexplicable joyful.

It may have had something to do with the fact that I had 10 hours sleep, that I dreamed of old friends, that last night I finally was granted the courage to start a new journal. But whatever it is, I'm taking it as it comes and revelling in it.

I've had some pretty 'down' moments over the last few months. But in the midst of one of them, I was reading John 16 and I came across this verse:

22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will
rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

It's definitely a promise that I'm going to be holding onto. I know that the way life is means we will face both sadness and joy and I will take them both in turn. But I will continue to look to the day when all my sadness is gone and I will have a joy that cannot be taken away.

Satisfactorily Single

I just realised that my last post was also about satisfaction. But I'm looking at a different area this time - relationships, rather than time.

Emily at Unfurling Flower did a post a day or two ago about why she was happy to be single. I thought I might add my two cents worth on this topic, because I really felt the truth of it that night. I was in the car with my younger sister, who is heading towards her first ever dating relationship, and she brought up my current romantic prospects.

At the moment, I'm not interested in any of the guys around me (sorry, boys :P) but more than that, I'm just not ready for a relationship. There's two key relationships I need to work on first, before I want to consider having a romantic relationship.

1. Relationship with God.
This is the most important relationship we are ever going to have, because it lasts for eternity. And even I (single as I am) know that if you don't have a firm basis in God, you're on shaky ground when it comes to weathering the storms of life. One thing that I'm continually amazed with about Jesus is that there is always more to be amazed at. I think C.S. Lewis captured it really well in the scene in Prince Caspian where Lucy meets Aslan again. She says to him "Aslan, you're bigger" and he replies "That's because you are." As we grow, normally the people around us seem to get smaller. But like Aslan, Jesus is the reverse of our expectations. The more mature we become as Christians, the more of Jesus we discover that astounds us and makes us fall deeper in love with him. And I guess that's the other part. Jesus has to be our first love, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I want my husband to love God more than he loves me, and for him to want me to put God above his own needs and wants. So relationship with God is critical.

2. Relationship with Self
This sounds a bit weird, but I think it is important. Being single is a great time to get to know yourself - who you are, your likes and dislikes, your talents and aspirations and dreams... One of my disciplers used to tell me how important it is to "be a good student of yourself" and I've come to see that. If you're not confident with who you are, what you can do and what you want in life, then how can you share yourself and a future with someone else?

I certainly haven't got all the answers to all these things yet, but I don't think I ever will... I'm not saying you need to have all the answers before you get married; just that you need to have enough of them to know with confidence who you are and more importantly who you are in Christ. But in the meantime, I'm having a lot of fun spending my singleness learning.

Satisfaction

Today is the first day since the 23rd February when I have not had a commitment at uni, work or some appointment to attend to. It feels so good to be at home.

Though I'm probably going to be on the computer for most of the day, trying to make an impact on the mountains of work that have built up over the last couple of weeks, I'm really happy. I've already got one thing done, and now I'm getting on to the second (out of six things I want to get finished today...) I know it must seem like I'm procrastinating by writing to you all about this, but really I'm not.... I'm waiting for all of my printing to come through.

But yeah, to make a point to all this.... Be grateful for the time you are given. Make good use of it. There's definitely a time for everything, so try and make the most of it! Sometimes this does mean just chilling - taking time for yourself, watching some TV or listening to music. But not when it is at the expense of more important things, like the time you spend with God, or your commitments to work or study.

Always and Forever

It’s funny. Eternity is such a ridiculously long time that I think we almost try and avoid thinking about it. But a little while ago I was thinking about it. I was writing a birthday card.

I always used to sign birthday cards “with love today and always”. And then I stopped, because I started thinking, ‘It’s pretty ridiculous for me to be promising that I will love someone forever’, when I was only 15 years old. I mean, you’re not even friends with the same people from year to year, let along loving them that long.

But writing this card got me thinking about it. If my friend and I are going to see each other again in Heaven, then I can honestly say “I will love you forever”. And the best part is, the majority of those years are not going to be my human waxing and waning love, but the full and complete love found only in perfect relationship with God. It gives great confidence, that even if your paths lead you down totally separate roads, that friendships built on the foundation of the gospel will last the test of time, because it is a love that continues into eternity.

Overdoing It

Do you ever think sometimes you push yourself a little past your own limits?

I do it all the time, and I cant seem to figure out how to make myself stop.

This week has been a huge week - universities here are about to start back, which means it's Orientation Week at many campuses. For a few days, the uni takes on the carnival type atmosphere as students explore all the clubs they could join. It's an awesome time for evangelism, because everyone is really open to talking about what they believe.

But when you take an already exhausted girl, put her in the sun for two days, and then feed her junk food... you get one very sick human being. After 4 days of being a whirlwind activity, I leaped at the chance to go out for dinner with a close friend as a way to chill out. However, I made a mistake... Instead of actually thinking, "can my body handle this?", I just plunged headlong into it, and filled myself with more junk food. Predictably, my body didn't like it, and what should have been a fun night out to catch up ended with me being sick into a garbage bin outside the shopping centre. Tres elegante, n'est pas? I am very thankful for my friend for how well he looked after me, particularly when I didn't deserve it at all.

But my misadventure should be a powerful lesson to me. Not only did I end up miserable for embarrassing myself so badly in front of my friend, but I was too sick to go back to help with the outreach the next day... my last opportunity to help with O-Week mission ever, as this is my final year at uni. I need to learn to slow down, and do what I can handle. Don't push yourself beyond your limits, for your own sake or to please others. It isn't the road to happiness.

Waiting for the World to Fall

I feel like I am trapped in a period of waiting - the calm before the storm. There is so much about to happen in my life, and there's only so much I can do to prepare for it. I am waiting for:

• my best friend to come home for overseas. I miss her incredibly, and if it wasn't ridiculously expensive, I would be on the phone right now telling her that. There is a lot going on at the moment, and it will be strange not to have her there beside me.
• university classes to resume. We are all get used to patterns and rules and working within them. I have had a whole summer of freedom, and soon I will be back to the routine of classes. Part of me is glad to be returning to the familiar comfort of routine, knowing what each day will hold, while another part mourns losing the chance to do what I like, whenever I like.
• campus ministry to start up. I am planning to be very involved in the Christian movement at my campus this year and I can't wait to see how God draws new students in and uses the students currently involved to spread the gospel on campus.
• my graduation. I know this is a long way off, but I am very much aware that this is my last year of tertiary studies. I'm not sure what direction God has planned for me once I graduate, but I am excited to find out.

Waiting is such a strange feeling. It's mixture of nervousness and excitement and sometimes a touch of fear. But waiting can be difficult. A couple of weeks ago, my friends and I had a five hour wait at the airport for our flight home. But we got so caught up in distracting ourselves from the long wait, we almost missed our flight, even though we'd been sitting in the airport for 5 hours!

Waiting is hard, but there's also a purpose in it. It might be that more preparation is needed or you're just not ready. But there is a season for everything, and that includes waiting.

Growing Pains

"And all too soon, the clock will strike midnight, and she'll be gone."
Cinderella, Steven Curtis Chapman

It seems strange to think that I'm growing up. It kind of crept up on me this summer as I watched one friend get married, had another friend have a baby and started jetsetting around the country having adventures of my own. I don't think there has been a consecutive 7 days where I've slept every night in my own bed. I think this saddens my parents, as they see me beginning to disappear from their daily life and form a separate life for myself.

I feel like the old me is sort of slipping away. Sure, I'm still the vaguely hysterical, giggling girl who talks for hours on the phone to her best friend when given the chance and loves mucking around in the pool/at the beach/in the river with her mates, and will spontaneously break into song and dance at moments when it's least expected. But at the same time, I am becoming someone who has a vision for a campus ministry, who makes planning decisions and who attends meetings and conferences. It's a strange dichotomy, and all tangled up with it are the changes Christ is making in me, growing me in the fruits of the Spirit and peeling away the layers of self. You occasionally catch a glimpse of the Spirit at work, like a flickering in your peripheral vision, when you face a difficult situation and react differently to how you would have in the past.

Seeing these changes in myself is strange, and in a way it frightens me, when I myself am the unfamiliar environment. It makes me want to run back to the familiar - my old life - and hide there until everything goes back to 'normal'. The constant tug of war between this and the desire to 'press on toward the goal' causes what I call "growing pains".

Should auld acquaintance be forgot...

I can't believe that it has come around to New Year's Eve again. It seems only yesterday that I was sitting around with friends, hearing Auld Lang Syne being played and watching the fireworks from Sydney Harbour rain down from the Bridge. It has been such a big year of growth for me.

Yesterday someone asked me if I had made any New Year's resolutions yet. Normally I think these are silly, that they are just things that people say but never carry through with. But it got me thinking... why do I need to resolve to do something like exercise more or eat better, something I am never going to do? What if I resolved to do something that actually meant something to me, like commit to pray regularly for my family?

I haven't decided what my actual resolutions will be yet - I have until midnight to work it out. But hopefully whatever it is, I will be able to keep them!

All Over Again

It's been three weeks now since my last post. It's amazing - for me time has just flown. Two weeks away on mission, then one week at home recovering from mission, and now here we are.

There are so many things I could like to share with you, that I learnt while I was away, but I'm going to save them for a while, to process them a bit better. One thing I will share is something that has come up since I have gotten back.

While I was in Lorne, I started reading through the book of Malachi. Chapter 1 focuses on the offering of sacrifices to God, and his anger at the Israelites for presenting him with imperfect sacrifices... and not just imperfect, but their off-casts - the animals they didn't want anymore!

In the same way, we need to ensure that we are offering God the best, not the leftovers. I know for me, this often means the sacrifice of my time. Time is very precious to me, as it is to many people in this world. If this doesn't make sense to you, come and try being a full-time student, having a part-time job, doing ministry on campus and being a daughter, sister and friend as well. And I know there are many out there who would say I have it easy! But what I am trying to say is that with all these things going on, I often leave God only the dregs of my time. Whatever is leftover at the end of the day, when I am too tired to study and too grumpy to socialise. Is that what I think God deserves? Me at my worst, when I'm half-asleep and irritable?! Surely I could offer him something better?

Strangely, this isn't the point of my post today.

This isn't the first time I've looked at Malachi 1 and written these things in my journal. I studied the same thing over a year ago and came to the same conclusions, which I read last night when I was flicking through last year's journal. There are going to be lessons that are going to come up again and again in your life, just as the way I use my time to honour God has come up again in mine. Maybe I'll take a bit more away from it this time, and it won't come up again for another few years. Or maybe I'll be looking at the same thing again in six months or a year. Some things are going to take a whole lifetime to conquer. But I'm okay with that, because I know Jesus will be walking with me every step of the way.