Can't Slow Down

The title of today's post comes from a piece on the Pride and Prejudice (2005) soundtrack, but I think it accurately represents a certain aspect of my life that amuses and confuses me.

The idea of being a workaholic has always seemed such a foreign concept to me, since I have always been a daydreamer who has always loved puzzles, books, arts and crafts... anything where I can easily spend a whole day doing not a lot really. But since I have started working (and working in health in particular perhaps) I have seen how easily I can fall into the trap of working too much. I've seen my arrival times at work get earlier, my leaving times get later, my breaks get shorter... One day, I almost forgot to have lunch because I was just so wrapped up in what I was doing.

It hasn't helped that I'm also studying part-time in addition to working full-time. I had a major exam last week, and so for an entire month before, I've been coming home and studying for 2-3 hours each night after working an 8 hour shift. But now the exam is over and I find myself unable to slow down and relax. My first night off, I found myself wandering from room to room, hoping something would come up to do, because I had no job, nothing I was working towards. It's strange, for someone who could formerly bludge a day away quite easily.

I don't know how to summarise all this, other than to say that I'm working towards a happy medium. I love working, but I don't want it to absorb my life. I love relaxing, but I also have things I've like to achieve. Not sure how I'll go walking that tightrope though.

Confession

I screwed up today.

It's not so hard to say that to the infinite oblivion that is the Internet, where I am practically anonymous... but it's far harder to confess having done wrong to someone you work for, who has put trust in you to do your job well. It can be agonising, the feeling that you have let people down.

So why don't I feel this agony about all my sin? Why do I seem to be able to "confess" so easily before God?

When I look back on it, I know the answer. Here and now, with this mistake, I have no option other than to say that I am at fault. But when it comes to confessing before God, I am always quick to point the finger at my flawed human nature and the devil and whoever else I can claim led me to this point. But it was still my choice. And my choice was to sin. I am at fault.

The other reason why I believe I am often glib in my confessions before God is that I don't take the consequences of sin seriously. The consequences of my error today could have been very bad for my career, but what's a job when you're faced with the realities of Hell or the body of an innocent man broken and bleeding for you?

This wretched feeling I have right now will probably pass away and eventually this will all fade to distant memory. But there are some things that should never be forgotten, and the price God paid to redeem us from the consequences of our own sin is one of them.

Capable

On Monday [where today is Wednesday, just for a little context], I started a new job. My first full-time job, to be precise. It has been an overwhelming experience. Everyone and everything is new and I've been feeling a bit like a fish out of water.

Today during my lunch break, I went and sat out in the beautiful gardens that surround the hospital. And as I often do, I decided to chill out to some music, so I put my mp3 player on shuffle, and the song that came on was "More Than It Seems" by Kutless. The song is about Peter in Narnia, and his journey from English school-boy to the High King who leads the Narnians to defeat the White Witch.

The final line of the chorus is "I am capable of more than it seems" and it was such a comfort to me, because that is exactly how I feel, but I needed to be reminded of it. When you are new and struggling, you start to doubt yourself, your abilities and your worth. It's in that moment that you need to be reminded that God has placed you there for a reason. He has given you - or will give you - all the talents, knowledge and skills you need to fill the position he has placed you in, in a way that brings glory to Him. But first, there might be a period of learning and of frustration. The hard part is to be patient and keep trusting in God that this is where you are meant to be.

Eating My Words

Just when I think I've understood something, and I post about it, it comes back to bite me. Last post I spoke about trusting Jesus, and I've realized this week how little I have been doing that.

This week has been a week of frustrations. Not only have I been sick, but a whole string of little things seem to be going wrong. Things that I need are missing from my paperwork, my email account was hacked, people won't answer their phones.... None of them are major crises, but added together, it all makes me want to scream. Or break things. Or both. [For those of you who know me in real life, this may surprise you, but I do have a nasty temper when I'm upset. Yes, I know, you probably can't imagine it. But I assure you the mild mannered Kitty you know is just a cover-up for the crazy one underneath.]

But anyway, back on topic. All this served to remind me not only how much I had failed to trust God with it, but how little I'd even been talking about it to Him. Last week I did a Bible study about Hannah, Samuel's mother in the book of 1 Samuel. She's a fairly cool lady, and I wish I was more like her.... She starts off the books a bit of a mess. She can't have kids and she's incredibly bitter and discontent with her life. Not unlike me (but to a much greater extent), she's frustrated that her life isn't working out the way she wants it to. But with the encouragement of her loving husband, instead of keeping all her feelings inside and letting them fester, she pours her heart out before God - with so much feeling that Eli thinks she's drunk!

God designed us with feelings. He doesn't expect us to carry the weight of our emotions on our own. We needs to be honest about our feelings, not only with each other, but most importantly with Him. Tell Him if your overflowing with joy and overwhelmed with sorrow or overwrought with anxiety. He listens. And He acts.

Tuesday Tunes: Edition 2

This week I'm putting in a song some of you may not have heard before. It's my probably favourite worship song, based on Psalm 62 and written by Aaron Keyes and Stuart Townend. It's called My Soul Finds Rest in God Alone.

My soul finds fest in God alone
My Rock and my salvation
A fortress strong against my foes
And I will not be shaken.
Though lips may bless and hearts may curse
And lies like arrows pierce me
I'll fix my heart on righteousness
I'll look to him who hears me

Oh, praise Him, hallelujah,
My delight and my reward
Everlasting, never failing,
My redeemer, my God.

There are two more verse after this, but I haven't the patience to type it all out. Copying and pasting isn't working for me right now. Instead, I'll suggest you watch Aaron Keyes perform the whole song here.

I've had a crazy time this year with my health, my friendships, my study load and my future. But this song has been a huge blessing, in keeping the words of the Psalm in my mind - that in all my busyness, it is only in God that I will find rest. And He provides not only rest, but a safe and loving embrace when we feel (or know) the world is against us. In Him, I will not be shaken.

Habit-forming

"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got til it's
gone..." (Big Yellow Taxi)

I've realised over the past couple of days what a creature of habit I am. But a bit of background first... A few days ago, I had my backpack stolen. In it, I had all the things a young woman who is a student normally carries around - purse, phone, USB stick, keys, diary - as well as my journal for reflecting on the time I spend with God and my Bible. Not to mention all my "little necessities" - lipstick, favourite pen, encouragement note from my bestie...

And it struck me today - not having all those things - how much I rely on "my things" to get through my day. I'm trying to study at the moment, and it was disconcerting - even distracting - trying to use borrowed pens. I let my lips bleed with the cold rather than put on a lip gloss that is not the one I like. But worst of all, I sit down to do my quiet time, with another Bible and without my journal, and my mind wanders and frets, because it's no longer my routine. And I wonder, when did I come to this?

I have a skill to re-learn, the art of just spending time with God. Not saying anything, not figuring anything out, but just being with God, dwelling in His presence. Letting Him be the balm to the cracks in my soul. Listening to what He wants to tell me.

It's going to be a worthwhile lesson.

Mind Games

It only struck me this weekend, how much what is going on in our head impacts our emotional and spiritual reality. In addition to trying to focus on being away on a camp and getting to know new people, encourage them and lead well, I had other scholastic and family stuff going on in the background, not to mention my turbulent relationship with God. And amongst all this stuff, my mind began to cave in under the pressure....

I'm probably going to talk about this a lot of the next little while, because it's an area I need to do a lot of exploring in myself.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

One of the problems with what goes on in our heads is just that - that it is all inside your head. And by that I do not mean you are making it up. That is not what I mean at all. What I'm talking about is that we often don't talk about the deep things that we are churning over in our minds. We bottle them up inside, feeding on the stress they produce and making ourselves sick emotionally and spiritually.

Talk to someone. Most importantly, talk to God - pray. I wasn't doing this - falling into the trap of assuming my problems were mine to deal and God was too busy, too good, too anything that would give me a reason to horde my problems up inside and try to fight my own battles. This is crazy!!! Not only does God ask up to hand over what's stressing us out to him, but he tells us why he does - not prove he's better or he wants something done in return but because he loves us. He loves you. And God is a lot bigger than you, so he will handle it. The solution may not be what you want or expect, but it will be the best in the long run if you persevere.

Also, talk to other people. Give them a chance to pray for you and to speak wisdom into your life. Or even to just be there for you. When I was falling to pieces, one of the Christian men I am friends with just came and sat with me. He didn't ask me much, and he didn't say a huge amount, he was just there. And that often silent companionship meant a lot more to me than having advice thrown at me, or being asked to dissect my feelings and thoughts. Talking can also be good though. In the aftermath, I spent a long time with my best friend just confessing all the things that were on my heart and mind, that I hadn't been sharing. And she gave me some useful insights from her own experience in what God has been teaching her. You don't need to share everything, but please find someone you trust, someone who will pray for you and let them know as much as you feel comfortable sharing. Believe me, it helps.

Get the problems out there people, cause the more you keep them inside, the more they fester and consume you. Don't do what I did and try and be happy and smiling when you're crying inside. The "stained glass masquerade" (if you don't know what I mean by that, go check out Casting Crowns - they're awesome) never helps anyone; not us, not our friends and family and not those around us, trying to find out who Jesus is and what being a Christian is all about.

It’s a good day.

[I wrote this over a week ago now, but it's still true...]

As humans, we can be incredibly fickle. Or at least I can… I shouldn’t really speak on behalf of the entire human populace. But I’m fairly certain I’m not the only one.

I just had an amazing day. I was invited by my campus Christian group to go to another uni campus in my city to help out with their Orientation Week, as it is one of the biggest weeks for evangelism in uni ministry all year. And we saw God do amazing things! Almost one in four students we approached wanted to be followed up either to learn more about Christianity or to join a Bible study group. I even got a contact of a girl from my own uni, who was just checking out the festivities with her friends from the other uni. God was so good to us, and really used the team of students powerfully.

And then when I got home, I found my uni had made a paper work error and not given me my travel concession for the year – without which I cannot afford to travel to uni each day. All the jubilation I felt about what I had seen God do earlier went out the window, and was quickly replaced by irritation and discontent.

And that is what I wonder about? Why do I fall into unhappiness so easily? Is the God who made our outreach such a success also God over the admin at my uni? Can He not use this for good and for His renown? Not doubting God when things don’t turn out my way will be a challenge I think, but one that must be faced.

Overdoing It

Do you ever think sometimes you push yourself a little past your own limits?

I do it all the time, and I cant seem to figure out how to make myself stop.

This week has been a huge week - universities here are about to start back, which means it's Orientation Week at many campuses. For a few days, the uni takes on the carnival type atmosphere as students explore all the clubs they could join. It's an awesome time for evangelism, because everyone is really open to talking about what they believe.

But when you take an already exhausted girl, put her in the sun for two days, and then feed her junk food... you get one very sick human being. After 4 days of being a whirlwind activity, I leaped at the chance to go out for dinner with a close friend as a way to chill out. However, I made a mistake... Instead of actually thinking, "can my body handle this?", I just plunged headlong into it, and filled myself with more junk food. Predictably, my body didn't like it, and what should have been a fun night out to catch up ended with me being sick into a garbage bin outside the shopping centre. Tres elegante, n'est pas? I am very thankful for my friend for how well he looked after me, particularly when I didn't deserve it at all.

But my misadventure should be a powerful lesson to me. Not only did I end up miserable for embarrassing myself so badly in front of my friend, but I was too sick to go back to help with the outreach the next day... my last opportunity to help with O-Week mission ever, as this is my final year at uni. I need to learn to slow down, and do what I can handle. Don't push yourself beyond your limits, for your own sake or to please others. It isn't the road to happiness.

Sadness in the Air

It feels at the moments like there is sadness drifting through the air like mist, clouding vision and choking life and laughter.

Many people have lost their lives to fires that are ravaging parts of my country. Hundreds of properties have been destroyed. There is a great public sadness, some of which is personal to me as the homes of friends and family are threatened.

There is also more private sadness. My closest friend has lost a loved one, and I cannot help but mourn as she mourns. As with my sister, I cannot see her cry without crying myself. And her sadness is understandable, for her relative lived far away, and it has been a long time between visits, and now it seems too late.

Here on Earth, we suffer. We suffer because this world is out of kilter - it has sin. And because it has sin, it has death. But in the very heart of it all, there is hope. Hope that rolled away the stone on the third day and defeated death once and for all time.

It was the book's fault, I swear!

Do you think its possible that a work of fiction can take over your mind and heart?

I do.

I know it sounds foolish, but I have just finished reading the (huge) latest installment in one of my favourite fantasy series, The Obernewtyn Chronicles, and in some ways, I found myself struggling to escape the book. Not just in a "I couldn't put it down" kind of way. I mean, when I did put it down, for the necessary tasks of eating, sleeping and spending time with family and friends, it was still there, within my mind. If you think I sound insane, stop reading now.

Sometimes, you just connect with the story's narrator, so that you aren't just listening to the story, you become a part of them. You start asking "Where will I be taken next? What is happening to my friends?" And when you are forced to stop reading for a little while, you are still partially that person. Their expressions creep into your speech and you start to have thoughts that reflect their 'point of view' of a situation, more than your own. And then finally you finish the book, and the spell is broken.

The written word is a powerful tool. As a reader and sometimes writer, I know this quite well. But it always shocks me, the hold some books can have on my mind and even my heart - for my emotions tend to follow my thoughts closely. So be careful what you read!

The Christmas Sessions: Part 2

I was planning to post yesterday, continuing my series on Christmas carol thoughts, but I had a rather emotionally straining Christmas Day, and so I'm going to take this chance to reflect on that instead.

Yesterday was Christmas Day. It's usually considered one of the happiest days of the year, a time for family. Yesterday, I hurt someone I love deeply so much I made her cry, by my words and selfishness alone.

It seems hard to believe, but I think this has been one of the most special and meaningful Christmases of my life. Too often I forget how much it is I need that baby from Bethlehem, who would grow to be the Saviour. I tolerate a life of sin when I can't see it hurting anyone or hurting me. But when I manage to make someone as dear to me as my sister hurt so much in what should have been a joyful time, even I know there is something wrong. Because we can't do it alone. No matter how good we think we are, it is impossible to be sinless. I need Jesus and I saw and felt that more keenly today than I ever have before.

All Over Again

It's been three weeks now since my last post. It's amazing - for me time has just flown. Two weeks away on mission, then one week at home recovering from mission, and now here we are.

There are so many things I could like to share with you, that I learnt while I was away, but I'm going to save them for a while, to process them a bit better. One thing I will share is something that has come up since I have gotten back.

While I was in Lorne, I started reading through the book of Malachi. Chapter 1 focuses on the offering of sacrifices to God, and his anger at the Israelites for presenting him with imperfect sacrifices... and not just imperfect, but their off-casts - the animals they didn't want anymore!

In the same way, we need to ensure that we are offering God the best, not the leftovers. I know for me, this often means the sacrifice of my time. Time is very precious to me, as it is to many people in this world. If this doesn't make sense to you, come and try being a full-time student, having a part-time job, doing ministry on campus and being a daughter, sister and friend as well. And I know there are many out there who would say I have it easy! But what I am trying to say is that with all these things going on, I often leave God only the dregs of my time. Whatever is leftover at the end of the day, when I am too tired to study and too grumpy to socialise. Is that what I think God deserves? Me at my worst, when I'm half-asleep and irritable?! Surely I could offer him something better?

Strangely, this isn't the point of my post today.

This isn't the first time I've looked at Malachi 1 and written these things in my journal. I studied the same thing over a year ago and came to the same conclusions, which I read last night when I was flicking through last year's journal. There are going to be lessons that are going to come up again and again in your life, just as the way I use my time to honour God has come up again in mine. Maybe I'll take a bit more away from it this time, and it won't come up again for another few years. Or maybe I'll be looking at the same thing again in six months or a year. Some things are going to take a whole lifetime to conquer. But I'm okay with that, because I know Jesus will be walking with me every step of the way.

And I say thank you...

God provides.

For the last couple of weeks now, I have been preparing for a mission trip to a coastal town, where we minister to school leavers who are at the beach to party. Part of this preparation is raising the funds to go, by asking those around us to support our ministry. I don't know if anyone else has had to raise money before, but asking people for money is scary. Particularly if you're naturally fairly guarded with money, like me.

And as one does, when you're scared about something and you're busy with other things - like exam study and honours applications - you try and push these things back as long as possible. And then you realise that the longer you put them off, the worse it gets.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I finally worked (and prayed) up the courage to approach my church for money. I'm fairly new there, not known to many in the congregation, so I thought a few friends and acquaintances might give me something, but had no idea where the rest was going to come from. Kit of little faith! I turn up to church and am greeted by people who don't even know me, but have heard about the mission trip, and want to support me, and walk out of the church at the end of service, holding almost the full amount, with promises from a couple more who don't have cash on them to give me money later.

I got home and went to my room, and for the first 10 minutes, all I could do was fall on my knees and laugh and cry at the same time, with two words the only ones I could speak. Thank you.

An answer to prayer....

You know those days were to quote my emo friend Avril "Nothing's going right/And everything's a mess"... I've been having one of those for the past couple of days.

I'm applying to add Honours to my degree, and the form is due tomorrow. In the stress of everything that is going on, I kept pushing back the fact that I needed to meet with my potential academic supervisor beforehand, to make sure I am a suitable candidate. So, with only four days to go, I email her, asking for a meeting, knowing that she is busy running exams... For two days I hear nothing and I begin to despair.

Meanwhile, I am currently trying to raise support for the short term mission trip I am about to embark on in just over a week. I still have almost $1000 to raise, and am getting only silence on all fronts.

And finally, last night, I do what I should have done in the first place. I pray. I apologise to God for trying to do it all myself, and I remember that if these things are in His will, He will see them done.

And so I sleep. And this morning, I receive two emails. One from the academic supervisor, telling me I can meet her tomorrow morning, and one from my church, telling me several people are willing to support me. Maybe not the full amount, but they will support me nonetheless.

PRAY.

An hour of my life...

26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in
barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable
than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Jesus - Matthew 6:26-27

I will readily admit that I stress a lot. My natural instinct in a difficult situation is always to worry - to imagine what could go wrong and think the worst. I don't enjoy this experience, and neither do others around me. I hate it when I can't concentrate on what people are saying because I have all my worries running through my mind. I resent the fact that it makes me look unhappy and perpetually in a rush. But most of all, I dislike the fact that it just consumes so much of my time and my energy. It takes away from my whole life - sleeping, eating, studying, relaxing... everything is affected. It certainly doesn't add anything to my life - instead, it damages my normal existence.

In the lead up to an event that has been causing me a fair bit of stress and worry, I sat down with my mentor, and she tried to get me to talk through my worrying and what its like. I came up with this metaphor - not perfect, but gives you the basic idea of what I feel worrying is like.

For me, worry is like this enveloping cloud. Each little detail is another wisp of white, and as they gather all around you, they blind you to the bigger picture until you can't see what you're doing or where you're going. It's not until you step outside the cloud, that you see what which way the wind is blowing and whether your cloud is a storm cloud or a fluff ball. We need to step outside our worries and look at the bigger picture of what God is doing, and what his purpose is in this stressful time.

Facing Fears

Yesterday at church, our speaker really confronted us with looking at our lives to examine what areas we lack faith in. He suggested areas like money or studies - that working copious hours at work or spending every moment studying is a lack of faith in God's provision. But what came to my mind is that often I fail to have faith in God's ability to overcome my fears.

I am naturally a fearful person. Ironically, last night, I watched a movie - Nim's Island - where one of the main characters is afraid of everything - germs, spiders, other people, her front door... And while I was able to laugh at Alex's silliness, and at her misadventures as she is forced to face her fears in order to help Nim, I saw a little bit of myself in her. I am afraid of so much. Now, I know the right kind of fear - a healthy respect for God's power - is essential, but the wrong kind of fear - my kind of fear - is a failure to trust God and his goodness, and that is sin.

Funnily enough, today, I got thrown in the deep end. My mother proposed we take a trip out of the city, to a rainforest about 2 hours away. Sounds lovely, yes? But then comes the tricky part. I am learning to drive at the moment, and honestly, it scares me to death. My mother wanted me to drive there, which meant winding country roads and two motorways. Then came the clincher. Since I was a little girl, I have had a phobia of heights. Winding staircases and those steel grid gangways send me into a sobbing mess. And suddenly we get to the rainforest, where Mum wants to go on a new rainforest canopy walk - an elevated walkway 20 metres off the forest floor, culminating in a 45m high tower - with an open to the air winding staircase to the top.

And I did them both.

I think God must be into practical lessons.

Broken

"I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into better shape."

Estella, Great Expectations, Charles Dickens.

"If I try and bend that far, I will break."

Tevye, Fiddler in the Roof.

Bending and breaking - something I feel like I've been doing a lot of lately. It's strange how well Dickens - who was fairly anti-religion - captures one of the hardest parts of Christianity - the fact that there will be hardship and suffering, but that it's ultimate goal is to create a better shaped - more Christ-like - person.

Too often, I think we adopt Tevye's point of view, that if we continue to take more and more strain, we will eventually shatter, never to recover. But we forget, I think, that we do not need to carry the world's burden anymore - whatever that may look like for us - study, work, financial pressures. Instead, Jesus asks us to walk with him, do as he asks, and he will carry our heavy load for us. The other thing to consider, as Estella points out, is that we assume breaking to be a bad thing. But I think those really dark and hard times in my life is when I have known myself best. I have seen what I am capable of, for good or evil, and I have glimpsed the good that God can do, though anything.

Do I wish there was an easier way? Yes, of course. Would I choose not to go through those times if I could? No, I woul do it again, and I will do it again, as I learn all the lessons that God has planned for me, and the flames of the crucible continue to burn off the charf.

L'Affaire de la Coeur

Excuse my bad French to begin with - I think that's how it's spelt, but I can't remember.

Anyway, the point of this entry is a follow-up to one of my previous entries. If you haven't read it, it's not necessary - it was just me acting very angst-ridden about the state of my relationship with a friend, most of which is probably in my head.

So, I have been thinking a lot on the issue of romance and love, and I finally heard a very down-to-Earth sermon today that really seemed to drive the point home. As I have blundered about in the romantic arena, many wiser women have reminded me of the Song of Solomon's verse that talks about not awakening love too early. This all seemed very esoteric to me. How was I to know when was the right time? If I always think its too early, will I miss the person I'm meant to be with?

This sermon phrased it somewhat differently though, and I think that is what helped me understand. It said very bluntly that, as Christians, the goal of dating is marriage - not sex, not a good time, but marriage. Therefore, if you are not ready to get married, there is no point in dating. It seems harsh, and there are some people who it probably doesn't apply to - the kind of people who can continue a relationship at the same level for long periods of time. I am not one of those people; I don't have that kind of perseverance. But for me, a relationship that is not going to progress would be toxic, and I know I'm not available for that kind of relationship yet.

So I'm going to be kissing dating good-bye, to use the popular phrase, at least for the moment. At the moment, uni is my excuse. This may change as I grow and mature (hopefully!), and before my time at uni is over, I might be ready. But for now, no dating. Until it can be dating that can lead to forever.

Honesty in Mentoring

I have had the privilege of being mentored (or discipled, the word we use on campus) by an wonderful older Christian, and have recently been given the responsibility of doing the same for another girl. Meeting up with her has been a great experience for me, not only in being able to pass on some of the things I have learnt, but in the amount she teaches me - or God teaches me through her.

Today was a great example. This was the first time we've met up since university has resumed after the winter break, and so I didn't plan a lesson, but instead decided we'd spend some time discussing how our holidays are, and then praying. (As an aside, I don't know if anyone else finds this, but holidays can be a really hard time for faith, as you're away from all the normal ministry activities...) I'd also giving her the homework of writing out her testimony over the holidays, and we talked about that.

But my revelation came right at the end. We were discussing some things to pray about before we parted, and the usual things came up - balancing uni with life, praise for a good start to the semester, as well as praying for a friend who is having a tough time at the moment, when I realized there was some problems - sin - in my own life, that I'd been struggling with that morning. After much hesitation, and some vague attempts at prevarication, I told this to the younger girl. Expecting to see a bit of disappointment or even judgement on her face, I was surprised by her response. "You struggle with that, too?" she said. "Kit, that's such a relief for me."

We haven't really covered this particular area before, and I hadn't known it was a problem for her either. Now, it will be something we can work on together, and hopefully keep each other accountable to. So I hope I have learnt my lesson, that it is vital that we be honest with our disciples, and let them know when we are struggling.