The title of today's post comes from a piece on the Pride and Prejudice (2005) soundtrack, but I think it accurately represents a certain aspect of my life that amuses and confuses me.
The idea of being a workaholic has always seemed such a foreign concept to me, since I have always been a daydreamer who has always loved puzzles, books, arts and crafts... anything where I can easily spend a whole day doing not a lot really. But since I have started working (and working in health in particular perhaps) I have seen how easily I can fall into the trap of working too much. I've seen my arrival times at work get earlier, my leaving times get later, my breaks get shorter... One day, I almost forgot to have lunch because I was just so wrapped up in what I was doing.
It hasn't helped that I'm also studying part-time in addition to working full-time. I had a major exam last week, and so for an entire month before, I've been coming home and studying for 2-3 hours each night after working an 8 hour shift. But now the exam is over and I find myself unable to slow down and relax. My first night off, I found myself wandering from room to room, hoping something would come up to do, because I had no job, nothing I was working towards. It's strange, for someone who could formerly bludge a day away quite easily.
I don't know how to summarise all this, other than to say that I'm working towards a happy medium. I love working, but I don't want it to absorb my life. I love relaxing, but I also have things I've like to achieve. Not sure how I'll go walking that tightrope though.
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Marking time
Do you ever feel like you're running on the spot?
I think I've been feeling like this for a while, without realising why. I had no forward momentum, being so caught up with work and people and stuff, that I stopped going deeper with God. I stopped growing spiritually. And I think perhaps part of that was fear - fear of trusting every last piece of my heart and my will up to God. It seemed safer to stay where I was. I was already there; I knew the territory; it was comfortable. But the problem with trying to stay the same is that everything will keep changing around you, and sooner or later the current is going to take you with it. I was blessed that, for me, that current was my best friend, who has (metaphorically) given me a good push in the right direction. We're doing a great study series together at the moment that focuses on spiritual growth. But not everyone has a best friend like mine, and the danger is the current will be the world's current, which is rushing away from God as fast as it can go. So, are you going to choose to move forward in faith, or are you going to keep hesitating until the world drags you back?
I think I've been feeling like this for a while, without realising why. I had no forward momentum, being so caught up with work and people and stuff, that I stopped going deeper with God. I stopped growing spiritually. And I think perhaps part of that was fear - fear of trusting every last piece of my heart and my will up to God. It seemed safer to stay where I was. I was already there; I knew the territory; it was comfortable. But the problem with trying to stay the same is that everything will keep changing around you, and sooner or later the current is going to take you with it. I was blessed that, for me, that current was my best friend, who has (metaphorically) given me a good push in the right direction. We're doing a great study series together at the moment that focuses on spiritual growth. But not everyone has a best friend like mine, and the danger is the current will be the world's current, which is rushing away from God as fast as it can go. So, are you going to choose to move forward in faith, or are you going to keep hesitating until the world drags you back?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Should auld acquaintance be forgot....
Continuing in my trawling through my memoirs of old, I came upon an account of a party. This was the 18th birthday celebration of someone I was quite good friends with during the final years of high school. It was a great time, of food and movies and generally frivolity.
And I have not spoken to the birthday girl in 4 years.
It's funny how we lose touch with people. It happens all the time. Out of the 100 or so girls who were in my grade at high school, I still talk to 4 on a semi-regular basis. I've heard it said that we usually base our friendships on either proximity or pursuits - that is you are in the same place or like the same things. I've also head someone say that you only move from acquaintances to friends when you see someone in a context other than the one in which you first met them.
My friendship with the girl from high school couldn't be sustained under a lack of shared proximity or pursuits. We lacked that deep connection that motivated us to pursue our friendship and fight for it when it became harder. Because the strongest friendships are those that are built on the solid foundations of the gospel... I'm sure there is much more that could be said on this topic, but Mark Driscoll covers it far better than I could in this sermon.
And I have not spoken to the birthday girl in 4 years.
It's funny how we lose touch with people. It happens all the time. Out of the 100 or so girls who were in my grade at high school, I still talk to 4 on a semi-regular basis. I've heard it said that we usually base our friendships on either proximity or pursuits - that is you are in the same place or like the same things. I've also head someone say that you only move from acquaintances to friends when you see someone in a context other than the one in which you first met them.
My friendship with the girl from high school couldn't be sustained under a lack of shared proximity or pursuits. We lacked that deep connection that motivated us to pursue our friendship and fight for it when it became harder. Because the strongest friendships are those that are built on the solid foundations of the gospel... I'm sure there is much more that could be said on this topic, but Mark Driscoll covers it far better than I could in this sermon.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Unpredictable
First of all, I would like to thank those who sent me messages of support on Monday night and Tuesday morning. It was great to know you guys were praying for me in spite of my screwed-up-ness, and even better to be reminded of how loved I am by my friends, and most importantly, by God. Thank you, dear friends.
And now onto the content of tonight's post...
Now that I've re-entered the blogging world, I thought I might do a bit of series, to keep me on a roll. Now, for those of you who don't know me quite so personally, you may not be aware that in addition to being a part time blogger, I am also a full time diarist (yes, that is a word; look it up if you don't believe me). I have, for the last four and a half years, written in a diary every night, with a few exceptions, usually due to disabling illness or fatigue. And even then I usually try to catch up the next morning. But what does this have to do with my blog? Well, over the next few weeks/months/time periods yet to be determined, I am going to be reading back over these diaries and picking out highlights to reflect upon.
I love the way all the different threads of your past come together to make your present. At this point in my life, I was still 12 months away from becoming a Christian. I'd never had any reason to come in contact with the Christian music before, and yet suddenly I discovered a few songs I liked. I didn't end up getting more of their songs at the time - I guess at that stage, it really was a fad. But at the same time, it was the start of something that was to change my life forever. And I still love Christian music.
P.S. For the really astute among you, who noticed that my last post prior to my big break also mentions the song "More Than It Seems"?
And now onto the content of tonight's post...
Now that I've re-entered the blogging world, I thought I might do a bit of series, to keep me on a roll. Now, for those of you who don't know me quite so personally, you may not be aware that in addition to being a part time blogger, I am also a full time diarist (yes, that is a word; look it up if you don't believe me). I have, for the last four and a half years, written in a diary every night, with a few exceptions, usually due to disabling illness or fatigue. And even then I usually try to catch up the next morning. But what does this have to do with my blog? Well, over the next few weeks/months/time periods yet to be determined, I am going to be reading back over these diaries and picking out highlights to reflect upon.
Monday 16th January 2006
I am pleased to announce I have moved onto another personal music fad - this time it's Christian rock music. ... I love Tobymac's "New World" and Kutless's "More Than It Seems" so much, I am determined to find other songs by them
I love the way all the different threads of your past come together to make your present. At this point in my life, I was still 12 months away from becoming a Christian. I'd never had any reason to come in contact with the Christian music before, and yet suddenly I discovered a few songs I liked. I didn't end up getting more of their songs at the time - I guess at that stage, it really was a fad. But at the same time, it was the start of something that was to change my life forever. And I still love Christian music.
P.S. For the really astute among you, who noticed that my last post prior to my big break also mentions the song "More Than It Seems"?
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Out of the Silence
For five months, there has been nothing but silence from me in the world of Blog. For this, I apologise. There have been so many changes in my life this year, that I can hardly believe it myself.
Five months ago, I started my first full time job. For the first week, I could do nothing outside work other than sleep and eat.
Four months ago, I walked into my first church bible study group. I've never realised the book of Nehemiah could be so hilarious.
Three months ago, I curtsied before the Academic Pro-Vice Chancellor as he presented me with my degree. I didn't fall over on stage.
Two months ago, I faced my first assignment for my internship. 48 pages of questions later....
One month ago, I realised I was struggling in my relationship with God. And the girls of my bible study held my hand and prayed for me and slowly but surely the light grew brighter....
as I started to read the Bible while I was awake enough to understand it
as I confessed my failings to my sisters and to God
as I relearnt what it is to pray - and to want to pray
as I started delving back into good Christian books
as I listened more to my friends and those I look up to and less to myself
Adjusting to change is hard. It's easy to lose relationships with everyone including God along the way. Sometimes you can even lose yourself. But God never loses you.
Five months ago, I started my first full time job. For the first week, I could do nothing outside work other than sleep and eat.
Four months ago, I walked into my first church bible study group. I've never realised the book of Nehemiah could be so hilarious.
Three months ago, I curtsied before the Academic Pro-Vice Chancellor as he presented me with my degree. I didn't fall over on stage.
Two months ago, I faced my first assignment for my internship. 48 pages of questions later....
One month ago, I realised I was struggling in my relationship with God. And the girls of my bible study held my hand and prayed for me and slowly but surely the light grew brighter....
as I started to read the Bible while I was awake enough to understand it
as I confessed my failings to my sisters and to God
as I relearnt what it is to pray - and to want to pray
as I started delving back into good Christian books
as I listened more to my friends and those I look up to and less to myself
Adjusting to change is hard. It's easy to lose relationships with everyone including God along the way. Sometimes you can even lose yourself. But God never loses you.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Capable
On Monday [where today is Wednesday, just for a little context], I started a new job. My first full-time job, to be precise. It has been an overwhelming experience. Everyone and everything is new and I've been feeling a bit like a fish out of water.
Today during my lunch break, I went and sat out in the beautiful gardens that surround the hospital. And as I often do, I decided to chill out to some music, so I put my mp3 player on shuffle, and the song that came on was "More Than It Seems" by Kutless. The song is about Peter in Narnia, and his journey from English school-boy to the High King who leads the Narnians to defeat the White Witch.
The final line of the chorus is "I am capable of more than it seems" and it was such a comfort to me, because that is exactly how I feel, but I needed to be reminded of it. When you are new and struggling, you start to doubt yourself, your abilities and your worth. It's in that moment that you need to be reminded that God has placed you there for a reason. He has given you - or will give you - all the talents, knowledge and skills you need to fill the position he has placed you in, in a way that brings glory to Him. But first, there might be a period of learning and of frustration. The hard part is to be patient and keep trusting in God that this is where you are meant to be.
Today during my lunch break, I went and sat out in the beautiful gardens that surround the hospital. And as I often do, I decided to chill out to some music, so I put my mp3 player on shuffle, and the song that came on was "More Than It Seems" by Kutless. The song is about Peter in Narnia, and his journey from English school-boy to the High King who leads the Narnians to defeat the White Witch.
The final line of the chorus is "I am capable of more than it seems" and it was such a comfort to me, because that is exactly how I feel, but I needed to be reminded of it. When you are new and struggling, you start to doubt yourself, your abilities and your worth. It's in that moment that you need to be reminded that God has placed you there for a reason. He has given you - or will give you - all the talents, knowledge and skills you need to fill the position he has placed you in, in a way that brings glory to Him. But first, there might be a period of learning and of frustration. The hard part is to be patient and keep trusting in God that this is where you are meant to be.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
In Limbo
It's a strange feeling, but at the moment I feel like I'm in limbo, suspended between finishing university and starting full-time work. I'm just kind of floating around. There is nothing I have to do at the moment, and my mind doesn't really know how to cope with the lack of pressure.
I've started a multitude of creative projects, just to give myself something to do. Cause you discover very quickly that while the idea of having no commitments, no deadlines and no responsibilities sounds fantastic in theory, it actually gets rather tedious much quicker than you expect.
At the moment, in no particular order, I am:
- making a dress
- writing 2 books
- starting a new blogging project
- embroidering a tablecloth
- cleaning my room and study from top to bottom
These are things I would probably have only had as vague ideas unless I had so much time on my hands.
You know what the other things that really been filling up my day has been? Having a decent quiet time, of sitting and talking to God and just waiting on Him for answers. I always struggled with having a consistent quiet time while at uni. There was always so many things gathering to drag me back into the world. Phone buzzing, emails arriving, deadlines looming. And now... nothing. So, I plan to use this time to set a good habit that I can keep to once I start work in January.
I've started a multitude of creative projects, just to give myself something to do. Cause you discover very quickly that while the idea of having no commitments, no deadlines and no responsibilities sounds fantastic in theory, it actually gets rather tedious much quicker than you expect.
At the moment, in no particular order, I am:
- making a dress
- writing 2 books
- starting a new blogging project
- embroidering a tablecloth
- cleaning my room and study from top to bottom
These are things I would probably have only had as vague ideas unless I had so much time on my hands.
You know what the other things that really been filling up my day has been? Having a decent quiet time, of sitting and talking to God and just waiting on Him for answers. I always struggled with having a consistent quiet time while at uni. There was always so many things gathering to drag me back into the world. Phone buzzing, emails arriving, deadlines looming. And now... nothing. So, I plan to use this time to set a good habit that I can keep to once I start work in January.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Life Together
Author Note: This is my latest poetical effort, in honour of the fact that graduating uni and leaving behind the wonderful Christian family that are Student Life.
Life Together
Life together is in the taste of marshmallows all gooey in the centre and made smoky by the campfire at Heathcote; of bitter tea prepared by one of my sweet brothers at 3am after a long night in the drop-in centre; of rich chocolate consumed to excess in the giggling company of my dear sisters.
Life together is in the smell of tomatoes and fragrant herbs as Sam makes pasta sauce to feed hungry pray-ers (who have become more than slightly sick of pizza); of sunscreen and overheated plastic under the tarp of our stall at O-week; of the cold misty air that rises off Lake Hume mingling with the stubborn tinge of pancake residue that somehow still clings to my hair from a morning of cooking.
Life together is in the sight of two heads bent over a familiar little green booklet; of a smile of relief as a first year discovers that surveying isn’t that scary after all - and no, I didn’t die; of watching the majestic sun rise as we stand together wrapped in blankets on the beach at Lorne, bleary-eyed after only 2 hours sleep – or less.
Life together is in the sound of those familiar words – “Would you like to do a quick survey? There’s a free Chupa-chupa” – as we hope to find that one student who is curious to find out more; of crowds of hyperactive students screaming “Living on a Prayer” at the top of their lungs – just because it’s the last night of MYC and we can; of the whispers of a prayer in a quiet corner.
Life together is in the touch of a brother’s hand on my shoulder, wordlessly asking “Are you okay?” when I come into Weekly Meeting looking like death warmed up; of my sister’s arms around me as I lament the newest shadow to cross my life; of heads brushing as we huddle together to cry out in prayer.
Life together is in the feeling of overwhelming love and “rightness” of being amongst friends; of delight and freedom of being loved by grace, of the peace that transcends all understanding found in finally seeing where my heart’s true home lies.
Life together is in every memory made, every moment of joy celebrated, every heart changed and future transformed. Our friends, our family, our fellowship. Our Student Life.
Life Together
Life together is in the taste of marshmallows all gooey in the centre and made smoky by the campfire at Heathcote; of bitter tea prepared by one of my sweet brothers at 3am after a long night in the drop-in centre; of rich chocolate consumed to excess in the giggling company of my dear sisters.
Life together is in the smell of tomatoes and fragrant herbs as Sam makes pasta sauce to feed hungry pray-ers (who have become more than slightly sick of pizza); of sunscreen and overheated plastic under the tarp of our stall at O-week; of the cold misty air that rises off Lake Hume mingling with the stubborn tinge of pancake residue that somehow still clings to my hair from a morning of cooking.
Life together is in the sight of two heads bent over a familiar little green booklet; of a smile of relief as a first year discovers that surveying isn’t that scary after all - and no, I didn’t die; of watching the majestic sun rise as we stand together wrapped in blankets on the beach at Lorne, bleary-eyed after only 2 hours sleep – or less.
Life together is in the sound of those familiar words – “Would you like to do a quick survey? There’s a free Chupa-chupa” – as we hope to find that one student who is curious to find out more; of crowds of hyperactive students screaming “Living on a Prayer” at the top of their lungs – just because it’s the last night of MYC and we can; of the whispers of a prayer in a quiet corner.
Life together is in the touch of a brother’s hand on my shoulder, wordlessly asking “Are you okay?” when I come into Weekly Meeting looking like death warmed up; of my sister’s arms around me as I lament the newest shadow to cross my life; of heads brushing as we huddle together to cry out in prayer.
Life together is in the feeling of overwhelming love and “rightness” of being amongst friends; of delight and freedom of being loved by grace, of the peace that transcends all understanding found in finally seeing where my heart’s true home lies.
Life together is in every memory made, every moment of joy celebrated, every heart changed and future transformed. Our friends, our family, our fellowship. Our Student Life.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Time After Time
It's been a while since my last post - 21 days to be exact. And how much has happened in that time!
I got an internship position for next year at a great hospital, which is such an amazing answer to my prayers and those of many of my friends who were kind enough to be praying about my employment for next year.
But getting a job has really confirmed for me that I will be graduating uni at the end of this year, and that my life is about to change dramatically. I've already been feeling the hints of maturity creeping in... A good friend is getting married in December, while I had the joy a few weeks ago of playing with the 9 month old son of one of my closest high school friends.
As I extricate myself from my wallowing in nostalgia, I will only add in closing that all that has happened in the past few weeks has served to remind me both of God's goodness and also his sovereignty. I was listening to an old hymn a few days ago, which begins " 'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus". I can only say Amen to that.
I got an internship position for next year at a great hospital, which is such an amazing answer to my prayers and those of many of my friends who were kind enough to be praying about my employment for next year.
But getting a job has really confirmed for me that I will be graduating uni at the end of this year, and that my life is about to change dramatically. I've already been feeling the hints of maturity creeping in... A good friend is getting married in December, while I had the joy a few weeks ago of playing with the 9 month old son of one of my closest high school friends.
As I extricate myself from my wallowing in nostalgia, I will only add in closing that all that has happened in the past few weeks has served to remind me both of God's goodness and also his sovereignty. I was listening to an old hymn a few days ago, which begins " 'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus". I can only say Amen to that.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Habit-forming
"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got til it's
gone..." (Big Yellow Taxi)
I've realised over the past couple of days what a creature of habit I am. But a bit of background first... A few days ago, I had my backpack stolen. In it, I had all the things a young woman who is a student normally carries around - purse, phone, USB stick, keys, diary - as well as my journal for reflecting on the time I spend with God and my Bible. Not to mention all my "little necessities" - lipstick, favourite pen, encouragement note from my bestie...
And it struck me today - not having all those things - how much I rely on "my things" to get through my day. I'm trying to study at the moment, and it was disconcerting - even distracting - trying to use borrowed pens. I let my lips bleed with the cold rather than put on a lip gloss that is not the one I like. But worst of all, I sit down to do my quiet time, with another Bible and without my journal, and my mind wanders and frets, because it's no longer my routine. And I wonder, when did I come to this?
I have a skill to re-learn, the art of just spending time with God. Not saying anything, not figuring anything out, but just being with God, dwelling in His presence. Letting Him be the balm to the cracks in my soul. Listening to what He wants to tell me.
It's going to be a worthwhile lesson.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Don't Want To...
WASTE MY LIFE.
I've just finished reading John Piper's book "Don't Waste Your Life", and it has been echoing a lot of the things I have been learning from other areas - my own Bible reading, church and even some conversations with friends.
I don't have a specific path that I know I am being called to as yet. But I think one of the things God has been telling me over and over at this stage of my life and education is not to get fixed on one job or area as 'the one'. Be open to being used by him in ways that will surprise even you. Because ultimately, it isn't so much what you do that matters - it's why you are doing it and who you are serving by it. And though it seems hard to grasp, I am going to have infinitely more joy if I invest my life in serving God and serving others, than in following anything for me-centric reasons.
Wherever I go, whatever I do, all I know is I want to be reflecting Christ, being content in Christ, bringing glory to Christ and loving Christ above all else. That will not be a wasted life.
I've just finished reading John Piper's book "Don't Waste Your Life", and it has been echoing a lot of the things I have been learning from other areas - my own Bible reading, church and even some conversations with friends.
I don't have a specific path that I know I am being called to as yet. But I think one of the things God has been telling me over and over at this stage of my life and education is not to get fixed on one job or area as 'the one'. Be open to being used by him in ways that will surprise even you. Because ultimately, it isn't so much what you do that matters - it's why you are doing it and who you are serving by it. And though it seems hard to grasp, I am going to have infinitely more joy if I invest my life in serving God and serving others, than in following anything for me-centric reasons.
Wherever I go, whatever I do, all I know is I want to be reflecting Christ, being content in Christ, bringing glory to Christ and loving Christ above all else. That will not be a wasted life.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Growing Pains
"And all too soon, the clock will strike midnight, and she'll be gone."
Cinderella, Steven Curtis Chapman
It seems strange to think that I'm growing up. It kind of crept up on me this summer as I watched one friend get married, had another friend have a baby and started jetsetting around the country having adventures of my own. I don't think there has been a consecutive 7 days where I've slept every night in my own bed. I think this saddens my parents, as they see me beginning to disappear from their daily life and form a separate life for myself.
I feel like the old me is sort of slipping away. Sure, I'm still the vaguely hysterical, giggling girl who talks for hours on the phone to her best friend when given the chance and loves mucking around in the pool/at the beach/in the river with her mates, and will spontaneously break into song and dance at moments when it's least expected. But at the same time, I am becoming someone who has a vision for a campus ministry, who makes planning decisions and who attends meetings and conferences. It's a strange dichotomy, and all tangled up with it are the changes Christ is making in me, growing me in the fruits of the Spirit and peeling away the layers of self. You occasionally catch a glimpse of the Spirit at work, like a flickering in your peripheral vision, when you face a difficult situation and react differently to how you would have in the past.
Seeing these changes in myself is strange, and in a way it frightens me, when I myself am the unfamiliar environment. It makes me want to run back to the familiar - my old life - and hide there until everything goes back to 'normal'. The constant tug of war between this and the desire to 'press on toward the goal' causes what I call "growing pains".
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