Growing Pains

"And all too soon, the clock will strike midnight, and she'll be gone."
Cinderella, Steven Curtis Chapman

It seems strange to think that I'm growing up. It kind of crept up on me this summer as I watched one friend get married, had another friend have a baby and started jetsetting around the country having adventures of my own. I don't think there has been a consecutive 7 days where I've slept every night in my own bed. I think this saddens my parents, as they see me beginning to disappear from their daily life and form a separate life for myself.

I feel like the old me is sort of slipping away. Sure, I'm still the vaguely hysterical, giggling girl who talks for hours on the phone to her best friend when given the chance and loves mucking around in the pool/at the beach/in the river with her mates, and will spontaneously break into song and dance at moments when it's least expected. But at the same time, I am becoming someone who has a vision for a campus ministry, who makes planning decisions and who attends meetings and conferences. It's a strange dichotomy, and all tangled up with it are the changes Christ is making in me, growing me in the fruits of the Spirit and peeling away the layers of self. You occasionally catch a glimpse of the Spirit at work, like a flickering in your peripheral vision, when you face a difficult situation and react differently to how you would have in the past.

Seeing these changes in myself is strange, and in a way it frightens me, when I myself am the unfamiliar environment. It makes me want to run back to the familiar - my old life - and hide there until everything goes back to 'normal'. The constant tug of war between this and the desire to 'press on toward the goal' causes what I call "growing pains".

Unfallen Tears

I had the fantastic opportunity last night to see Casting Crowns live in concert in Brisbane. This has been their first trip to Australia, and their concert was awesome! If you are ever offered the chance to see them, even if you're not familiar with their music, I would highly recommend you go see them.

I love their music, although sometimes I think I become over-familiar with it, and it becomes less meaningful - just a beautiful collection of notes and rhyming phrases strung together. But last night I was really struck by the lyrics of "Does Anybody Hear Her?" Mark Hall was talking about the girl who inspired the story - a girl, only high school age, who came along to his youth group, only to be turned away by the judgemental attitudes of some of the Christians.

Part of it made me sad, thinking of not dissimilar moments in my own life, where I have struggled with throwing my self after the wrong things and with hypocrisy in the church. It made me want to cry, but I could not. The tears would not fall, because even as the sadness grew, so did the hope of the knowledge that my fate was not to keep wandering. God found me, and he drew me into a family of believers who accepted me just as I am, and even better, he accepted me into His family. Stains and all.

So if you are still wandering, keep seeking. Even if you've had bad experiences with the church before, keep trying. God is much bigger and much better than the church could even be. The church is just a imperfect pointer to a perfect God, who loves you.

It was the book's fault, I swear!

Do you think its possible that a work of fiction can take over your mind and heart?

I do.

I know it sounds foolish, but I have just finished reading the (huge) latest installment in one of my favourite fantasy series, The Obernewtyn Chronicles, and in some ways, I found myself struggling to escape the book. Not just in a "I couldn't put it down" kind of way. I mean, when I did put it down, for the necessary tasks of eating, sleeping and spending time with family and friends, it was still there, within my mind. If you think I sound insane, stop reading now.

Sometimes, you just connect with the story's narrator, so that you aren't just listening to the story, you become a part of them. You start asking "Where will I be taken next? What is happening to my friends?" And when you are forced to stop reading for a little while, you are still partially that person. Their expressions creep into your speech and you start to have thoughts that reflect their 'point of view' of a situation, more than your own. And then finally you finish the book, and the spell is broken.

The written word is a powerful tool. As a reader and sometimes writer, I know this quite well. But it always shocks me, the hold some books can have on my mind and even my heart - for my emotions tend to follow my thoughts closely. So be careful what you read!

5 Daily Essentials

I was away interstate last night visiting extended family - just overnight, and so only took an overnight bag with PJs, toothbrush, hairbrush and my essential books. But it made me realise how there are certain parts of my day that are 'essentials' of my day, and that I miss when my routine is disturbed. In no particular order:-

• Quiet Time. It's often not as well done as I would like it to be, but if I don't read something from the Bible, and spend some time talking to God, I really feel like there is something missing.
• Journaling. I've kept a journal for over 3 years now, and it's become invaluable, as a means of reflecting on joys and challenges, of recording significant moments and of seeing how much I've grown.
• Tea. I love tea. Contrary to the opinion of most uni students, I think it is far superior to coffee. I usually have 4 cups a day, of varying flavours.
• Music. Barely a day goes past when I don't listen to music in some form. Whether it's the CD that comes on as my alarm in the mornings, my mp3 player on the train or my computer as I catch up with emails, Facebook and the blogsphere, music really helps to lift my mood - and depending what I listen to - often recentre me on what's important.
• Alone Time. While I love people, my friends and my family, I am one of those people who needs to spend at least a few minutes of the day alone to sort out my thoughts and emotions, or I end up as an emotional screwball.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot...

I can't believe that it has come around to New Year's Eve again. It seems only yesterday that I was sitting around with friends, hearing Auld Lang Syne being played and watching the fireworks from Sydney Harbour rain down from the Bridge. It has been such a big year of growth for me.

Yesterday someone asked me if I had made any New Year's resolutions yet. Normally I think these are silly, that they are just things that people say but never carry through with. But it got me thinking... why do I need to resolve to do something like exercise more or eat better, something I am never going to do? What if I resolved to do something that actually meant something to me, like commit to pray regularly for my family?

I haven't decided what my actual resolutions will be yet - I have until midnight to work it out. But hopefully whatever it is, I will be able to keep them!

The Christmas Sessions: Part 2

I was planning to post yesterday, continuing my series on Christmas carol thoughts, but I had a rather emotionally straining Christmas Day, and so I'm going to take this chance to reflect on that instead.

Yesterday was Christmas Day. It's usually considered one of the happiest days of the year, a time for family. Yesterday, I hurt someone I love deeply so much I made her cry, by my words and selfishness alone.

It seems hard to believe, but I think this has been one of the most special and meaningful Christmases of my life. Too often I forget how much it is I need that baby from Bethlehem, who would grow to be the Saviour. I tolerate a life of sin when I can't see it hurting anyone or hurting me. But when I manage to make someone as dear to me as my sister hurt so much in what should have been a joyful time, even I know there is something wrong. Because we can't do it alone. No matter how good we think we are, it is impossible to be sinless. I need Jesus and I saw and felt that more keenly today than I ever have before.

The Christmas Sessions: Part 1

Yes, the title is stolen from MercyMe's Christmas album. I chose it because I wanted to reflect a little on a couple of my favourite Christmas carols. Often, we hear carols so often they become background music to us. But they're so much more than that - they are beautiful hymns about one of the most spectacular events this world has ever seen, the night God himself came down to become human and to live amongst us.

O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant... As Christians, because of our faith in the grace of God, we can be both joyful and triumphant. Joyful, because of all that Christ has done for us to bring us home. And triumphant, not because of anything we've done, but because of the victory won for us by Christ, defeating sin. Isn't it amazing that no matter what sins dog us, we can have confidence that God has already won the war for us, and sin is no longer in control of us?

O come, let us adore Him... I know this is something I never spend enough time doing. Just loving, worshipping and adoring Jesus for who He is and what He did. Pray, sing, write, create, whatever... just try and spend some time this Christmas appreciating the child whose birth we celebrate and the Saviour he would be.

O come, all ye faithful,
Joyful and triumphant.
O come ye, o come ye,
To Bethlehem.
Come and behold Him,
Born the King of Angels.

O come, let us adore Him.
O come, let us adore Him.
O come, let us adore Him,
Christ the Lord.