The title of today's post comes from a piece on the Pride and Prejudice (2005) soundtrack, but I think it accurately represents a certain aspect of my life that amuses and confuses me.
The idea of being a workaholic has always seemed such a foreign concept to me, since I have always been a daydreamer who has always loved puzzles, books, arts and crafts... anything where I can easily spend a whole day doing not a lot really. But since I have started working (and working in health in particular perhaps) I have seen how easily I can fall into the trap of working too much. I've seen my arrival times at work get earlier, my leaving times get later, my breaks get shorter... One day, I almost forgot to have lunch because I was just so wrapped up in what I was doing.
It hasn't helped that I'm also studying part-time in addition to working full-time. I had a major exam last week, and so for an entire month before, I've been coming home and studying for 2-3 hours each night after working an 8 hour shift. But now the exam is over and I find myself unable to slow down and relax. My first night off, I found myself wandering from room to room, hoping something would come up to do, because I had no job, nothing I was working towards. It's strange, for someone who could formerly bludge a day away quite easily.
I don't know how to summarise all this, other than to say that I'm working towards a happy medium. I love working, but I don't want it to absorb my life. I love relaxing, but I also have things I've like to achieve. Not sure how I'll go walking that tightrope though.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Marking time
Do you ever feel like you're running on the spot?
I think I've been feeling like this for a while, without realising why. I had no forward momentum, being so caught up with work and people and stuff, that I stopped going deeper with God. I stopped growing spiritually. And I think perhaps part of that was fear - fear of trusting every last piece of my heart and my will up to God. It seemed safer to stay where I was. I was already there; I knew the territory; it was comfortable. But the problem with trying to stay the same is that everything will keep changing around you, and sooner or later the current is going to take you with it. I was blessed that, for me, that current was my best friend, who has (metaphorically) given me a good push in the right direction. We're doing a great study series together at the moment that focuses on spiritual growth. But not everyone has a best friend like mine, and the danger is the current will be the world's current, which is rushing away from God as fast as it can go. So, are you going to choose to move forward in faith, or are you going to keep hesitating until the world drags you back?
I think I've been feeling like this for a while, without realising why. I had no forward momentum, being so caught up with work and people and stuff, that I stopped going deeper with God. I stopped growing spiritually. And I think perhaps part of that was fear - fear of trusting every last piece of my heart and my will up to God. It seemed safer to stay where I was. I was already there; I knew the territory; it was comfortable. But the problem with trying to stay the same is that everything will keep changing around you, and sooner or later the current is going to take you with it. I was blessed that, for me, that current was my best friend, who has (metaphorically) given me a good push in the right direction. We're doing a great study series together at the moment that focuses on spiritual growth. But not everyone has a best friend like mine, and the danger is the current will be the world's current, which is rushing away from God as fast as it can go. So, are you going to choose to move forward in faith, or are you going to keep hesitating until the world drags you back?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Should auld acquaintance be forgot....
Continuing in my trawling through my memoirs of old, I came upon an account of a party. This was the 18th birthday celebration of someone I was quite good friends with during the final years of high school. It was a great time, of food and movies and generally frivolity.
And I have not spoken to the birthday girl in 4 years.
It's funny how we lose touch with people. It happens all the time. Out of the 100 or so girls who were in my grade at high school, I still talk to 4 on a semi-regular basis. I've heard it said that we usually base our friendships on either proximity or pursuits - that is you are in the same place or like the same things. I've also head someone say that you only move from acquaintances to friends when you see someone in a context other than the one in which you first met them.
My friendship with the girl from high school couldn't be sustained under a lack of shared proximity or pursuits. We lacked that deep connection that motivated us to pursue our friendship and fight for it when it became harder. Because the strongest friendships are those that are built on the solid foundations of the gospel... I'm sure there is much more that could be said on this topic, but Mark Driscoll covers it far better than I could in this sermon.
And I have not spoken to the birthday girl in 4 years.
It's funny how we lose touch with people. It happens all the time. Out of the 100 or so girls who were in my grade at high school, I still talk to 4 on a semi-regular basis. I've heard it said that we usually base our friendships on either proximity or pursuits - that is you are in the same place or like the same things. I've also head someone say that you only move from acquaintances to friends when you see someone in a context other than the one in which you first met them.
My friendship with the girl from high school couldn't be sustained under a lack of shared proximity or pursuits. We lacked that deep connection that motivated us to pursue our friendship and fight for it when it became harder. Because the strongest friendships are those that are built on the solid foundations of the gospel... I'm sure there is much more that could be said on this topic, but Mark Driscoll covers it far better than I could in this sermon.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Growing Up Godly
Yesterday was my birthday... not a very significant one, but I'm now a "prime age" (I'll leave you to figure out what I mean by that). And while birthdays don't seem to mean as much as they used to when you were little, I always find that they are a great occasion to reflect and take stock of what your life is all about.
Birthdays are usually the time when all your relatives look at you and say "My, isn't she growing up fast?" and " "I remember when you were only this big and..." Now, I haven't physically grown in any direction for quite a number of years, but over the last 4 years I have grown a good deal spiritually (to say by leaps and bounds at some points I don't think is an exaggeration). But now I'm getting 'older' spiritually, it's great to look back and think "Am I still growing and maturing in Christ?" And while your growth as an older Christian is never going to be as much as it was when you were first born, just as with the growth of a child, you still want to be progressing.
Now, I don't have a cut and dried answer I can give you about my own growth. Sometimes I've taken a few steps forward, others I've gone backwards. It's been sort of like doing the hokey-pokey. And I'm okay with that. We'd all prefer it if it were good times all the way, but I know life just ain't like that. Just as long as I keep stepping up to dance.
Birthdays are usually the time when all your relatives look at you and say "My, isn't she growing up fast?" and " "I remember when you were only this big and..." Now, I haven't physically grown in any direction for quite a number of years, but over the last 4 years I have grown a good deal spiritually (to say by leaps and bounds at some points I don't think is an exaggeration). But now I'm getting 'older' spiritually, it's great to look back and think "Am I still growing and maturing in Christ?" And while your growth as an older Christian is never going to be as much as it was when you were first born, just as with the growth of a child, you still want to be progressing.
Now, I don't have a cut and dried answer I can give you about my own growth. Sometimes I've taken a few steps forward, others I've gone backwards. It's been sort of like doing the hokey-pokey. And I'm okay with that. We'd all prefer it if it were good times all the way, but I know life just ain't like that. Just as long as I keep stepping up to dance.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Unpredictable
First of all, I would like to thank those who sent me messages of support on Monday night and Tuesday morning. It was great to know you guys were praying for me in spite of my screwed-up-ness, and even better to be reminded of how loved I am by my friends, and most importantly, by God. Thank you, dear friends.
And now onto the content of tonight's post...
Now that I've re-entered the blogging world, I thought I might do a bit of series, to keep me on a roll. Now, for those of you who don't know me quite so personally, you may not be aware that in addition to being a part time blogger, I am also a full time diarist (yes, that is a word; look it up if you don't believe me). I have, for the last four and a half years, written in a diary every night, with a few exceptions, usually due to disabling illness or fatigue. And even then I usually try to catch up the next morning. But what does this have to do with my blog? Well, over the next few weeks/months/time periods yet to be determined, I am going to be reading back over these diaries and picking out highlights to reflect upon.
I love the way all the different threads of your past come together to make your present. At this point in my life, I was still 12 months away from becoming a Christian. I'd never had any reason to come in contact with the Christian music before, and yet suddenly I discovered a few songs I liked. I didn't end up getting more of their songs at the time - I guess at that stage, it really was a fad. But at the same time, it was the start of something that was to change my life forever. And I still love Christian music.
P.S. For the really astute among you, who noticed that my last post prior to my big break also mentions the song "More Than It Seems"?
And now onto the content of tonight's post...
Now that I've re-entered the blogging world, I thought I might do a bit of series, to keep me on a roll. Now, for those of you who don't know me quite so personally, you may not be aware that in addition to being a part time blogger, I am also a full time diarist (yes, that is a word; look it up if you don't believe me). I have, for the last four and a half years, written in a diary every night, with a few exceptions, usually due to disabling illness or fatigue. And even then I usually try to catch up the next morning. But what does this have to do with my blog? Well, over the next few weeks/months/time periods yet to be determined, I am going to be reading back over these diaries and picking out highlights to reflect upon.
Monday 16th January 2006
I am pleased to announce I have moved onto another personal music fad - this time it's Christian rock music. ... I love Tobymac's "New World" and Kutless's "More Than It Seems" so much, I am determined to find other songs by them
I love the way all the different threads of your past come together to make your present. At this point in my life, I was still 12 months away from becoming a Christian. I'd never had any reason to come in contact with the Christian music before, and yet suddenly I discovered a few songs I liked. I didn't end up getting more of their songs at the time - I guess at that stage, it really was a fad. But at the same time, it was the start of something that was to change my life forever. And I still love Christian music.
P.S. For the really astute among you, who noticed that my last post prior to my big break also mentions the song "More Than It Seems"?
Monday, June 7, 2010
Confession
I screwed up today.
It's not so hard to say that to the infinite oblivion that is the Internet, where I am practically anonymous... but it's far harder to confess having done wrong to someone you work for, who has put trust in you to do your job well. It can be agonising, the feeling that you have let people down.
So why don't I feel this agony about all my sin? Why do I seem to be able to "confess" so easily before God?
When I look back on it, I know the answer. Here and now, with this mistake, I have no option other than to say that I am at fault. But when it comes to confessing before God, I am always quick to point the finger at my flawed human nature and the devil and whoever else I can claim led me to this point. But it was still my choice. And my choice was to sin. I am at fault.
The other reason why I believe I am often glib in my confessions before God is that I don't take the consequences of sin seriously. The consequences of my error today could have been very bad for my career, but what's a job when you're faced with the realities of Hell or the body of an innocent man broken and bleeding for you?
This wretched feeling I have right now will probably pass away and eventually this will all fade to distant memory. But there are some things that should never be forgotten, and the price God paid to redeem us from the consequences of our own sin is one of them.
It's not so hard to say that to the infinite oblivion that is the Internet, where I am practically anonymous... but it's far harder to confess having done wrong to someone you work for, who has put trust in you to do your job well. It can be agonising, the feeling that you have let people down.
So why don't I feel this agony about all my sin? Why do I seem to be able to "confess" so easily before God?
When I look back on it, I know the answer. Here and now, with this mistake, I have no option other than to say that I am at fault. But when it comes to confessing before God, I am always quick to point the finger at my flawed human nature and the devil and whoever else I can claim led me to this point. But it was still my choice. And my choice was to sin. I am at fault.
The other reason why I believe I am often glib in my confessions before God is that I don't take the consequences of sin seriously. The consequences of my error today could have been very bad for my career, but what's a job when you're faced with the realities of Hell or the body of an innocent man broken and bleeding for you?
This wretched feeling I have right now will probably pass away and eventually this will all fade to distant memory. But there are some things that should never be forgotten, and the price God paid to redeem us from the consequences of our own sin is one of them.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Out of the Silence
For five months, there has been nothing but silence from me in the world of Blog. For this, I apologise. There have been so many changes in my life this year, that I can hardly believe it myself.
Five months ago, I started my first full time job. For the first week, I could do nothing outside work other than sleep and eat.
Four months ago, I walked into my first church bible study group. I've never realised the book of Nehemiah could be so hilarious.
Three months ago, I curtsied before the Academic Pro-Vice Chancellor as he presented me with my degree. I didn't fall over on stage.
Two months ago, I faced my first assignment for my internship. 48 pages of questions later....
One month ago, I realised I was struggling in my relationship with God. And the girls of my bible study held my hand and prayed for me and slowly but surely the light grew brighter....
as I started to read the Bible while I was awake enough to understand it
as I confessed my failings to my sisters and to God
as I relearnt what it is to pray - and to want to pray
as I started delving back into good Christian books
as I listened more to my friends and those I look up to and less to myself
Adjusting to change is hard. It's easy to lose relationships with everyone including God along the way. Sometimes you can even lose yourself. But God never loses you.
Five months ago, I started my first full time job. For the first week, I could do nothing outside work other than sleep and eat.
Four months ago, I walked into my first church bible study group. I've never realised the book of Nehemiah could be so hilarious.
Three months ago, I curtsied before the Academic Pro-Vice Chancellor as he presented me with my degree. I didn't fall over on stage.
Two months ago, I faced my first assignment for my internship. 48 pages of questions later....
One month ago, I realised I was struggling in my relationship with God. And the girls of my bible study held my hand and prayed for me and slowly but surely the light grew brighter....
as I started to read the Bible while I was awake enough to understand it
as I confessed my failings to my sisters and to God
as I relearnt what it is to pray - and to want to pray
as I started delving back into good Christian books
as I listened more to my friends and those I look up to and less to myself
Adjusting to change is hard. It's easy to lose relationships with everyone including God along the way. Sometimes you can even lose yourself. But God never loses you.
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