Broken

"I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into better shape."

Estella, Great Expectations, Charles Dickens.

"If I try and bend that far, I will break."

Tevye, Fiddler in the Roof.

Bending and breaking - something I feel like I've been doing a lot of lately. It's strange how well Dickens - who was fairly anti-religion - captures one of the hardest parts of Christianity - the fact that there will be hardship and suffering, but that it's ultimate goal is to create a better shaped - more Christ-like - person.

Too often, I think we adopt Tevye's point of view, that if we continue to take more and more strain, we will eventually shatter, never to recover. But we forget, I think, that we do not need to carry the world's burden anymore - whatever that may look like for us - study, work, financial pressures. Instead, Jesus asks us to walk with him, do as he asks, and he will carry our heavy load for us. The other thing to consider, as Estella points out, is that we assume breaking to be a bad thing. But I think those really dark and hard times in my life is when I have known myself best. I have seen what I am capable of, for good or evil, and I have glimpsed the good that God can do, though anything.

Do I wish there was an easier way? Yes, of course. Would I choose not to go through those times if I could? No, I woul do it again, and I will do it again, as I learn all the lessons that God has planned for me, and the flames of the crucible continue to burn off the charf.

L'Affaire de la Coeur

Excuse my bad French to begin with - I think that's how it's spelt, but I can't remember.

Anyway, the point of this entry is a follow-up to one of my previous entries. If you haven't read it, it's not necessary - it was just me acting very angst-ridden about the state of my relationship with a friend, most of which is probably in my head.

So, I have been thinking a lot on the issue of romance and love, and I finally heard a very down-to-Earth sermon today that really seemed to drive the point home. As I have blundered about in the romantic arena, many wiser women have reminded me of the Song of Solomon's verse that talks about not awakening love too early. This all seemed very esoteric to me. How was I to know when was the right time? If I always think its too early, will I miss the person I'm meant to be with?

This sermon phrased it somewhat differently though, and I think that is what helped me understand. It said very bluntly that, as Christians, the goal of dating is marriage - not sex, not a good time, but marriage. Therefore, if you are not ready to get married, there is no point in dating. It seems harsh, and there are some people who it probably doesn't apply to - the kind of people who can continue a relationship at the same level for long periods of time. I am not one of those people; I don't have that kind of perseverance. But for me, a relationship that is not going to progress would be toxic, and I know I'm not available for that kind of relationship yet.

So I'm going to be kissing dating good-bye, to use the popular phrase, at least for the moment. At the moment, uni is my excuse. This may change as I grow and mature (hopefully!), and before my time at uni is over, I might be ready. But for now, no dating. Until it can be dating that can lead to forever.

Honesty in Mentoring

I have had the privilege of being mentored (or discipled, the word we use on campus) by an wonderful older Christian, and have recently been given the responsibility of doing the same for another girl. Meeting up with her has been a great experience for me, not only in being able to pass on some of the things I have learnt, but in the amount she teaches me - or God teaches me through her.

Today was a great example. This was the first time we've met up since university has resumed after the winter break, and so I didn't plan a lesson, but instead decided we'd spend some time discussing how our holidays are, and then praying. (As an aside, I don't know if anyone else finds this, but holidays can be a really hard time for faith, as you're away from all the normal ministry activities...) I'd also giving her the homework of writing out her testimony over the holidays, and we talked about that.

But my revelation came right at the end. We were discussing some things to pray about before we parted, and the usual things came up - balancing uni with life, praise for a good start to the semester, as well as praying for a friend who is having a tough time at the moment, when I realized there was some problems - sin - in my own life, that I'd been struggling with that morning. After much hesitation, and some vague attempts at prevarication, I told this to the younger girl. Expecting to see a bit of disappointment or even judgement on her face, I was surprised by her response. "You struggle with that, too?" she said. "Kit, that's such a relief for me."

We haven't really covered this particular area before, and I hadn't known it was a problem for her either. Now, it will be something we can work on together, and hopefully keep each other accountable to. So I hope I have learnt my lesson, that it is vital that we be honest with our disciples, and let them know when we are struggling.

Unity

We had a great talk today at uni from the campus co-ordinator of the Christian group I attend, and I just wanted to share what I took away from it, even though I'm sure you've heard it before.

Following the hype of World Youth Day here in Sydney, our talk this week was "Catholic, Protestant, Christian?". We looked not at any one specific denominations, or any particular issue of contention between the denominations, or at any reasons to support one over the other, but thinking about what we all believe and how we all need to be coming back to the central truths Christ taught.

Although the talk covered things like how we should go about choosing what church (not what denomination) we should attend, what I really liked was the focus on unity. If people from different denominations who all believe Jesus is their Lord and Saviour can't get over the difference they practice what is often essentially religion rather than faith, what kind of witness is that to the world? Why should anyone be interested in any church who can't agree with the other churches around it? If we show disunity as Christians, people will focus on that hypocrisy, rather than on Christ.

Unity is one of the things I love about campus ministry. Several of the Christian groups on campus are non-denominational, and I think this is great. Not only do you get exposed to other teachings and sources of input that you may not know about through your own church, but you are able to acknowledge that in such a secular environment as a university, all the more superficial differences fade away in the face of presenting a united front as Christians. Today, I was sitting with two other girls - one attends a Catholic church, the other a Uniting church. I attend an Anglican church. I think it is great when we are reaching out to the campus, that not only are we showing unity, but we are a unified group, despite our different backgrounds.

Fairytale?

I was listening to a great talk by Mark Driscoll, the pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, on joy (from Philippians) and I was really struck by this question:

Why do we want the fairytale life?

This may seem an odd thing to ask - I'd never questioned it before. Of course I want - even expect - a good home and a happy family and the right job and a loving husband. I believed God would give them to me (in his timing, of course) because I wanted them.

But that isn't right, is it?

Think about it. Who is the person we are supposed to be modelling our lives on as Christians?
Jesus. That's an easy one.

Here's the crunch. Did Jesus have any of those things that go in my vision of 'the good life'?
No.

Jesus was poor. He came from a humble carpenter's family from a backwater town. Later, he was an itinerant preacher, relying on the support of others. Jesus didn't always have happy relationships with everybody. His friends abandoned and betrayed him. Jesus wasn't married - he didn't need an 'other half' to make him complete. And his job certainly wasn't stress free.

So if that is what kind of life Jesus, my Lord and Savoiur led, why do I think I deserve anything else? Why should I want anything else?

Haunted

Some of my university friends and I - two guys and two other girls - really enjoy watching movies together and eating a lot of junk food. So we've developed a holiday ritual of crashing at someone's house, hiring three or four movies and lazing on the couch all day. Now, particularly because of the influence of the boys, we tend to watch a lot of thriller and horror movies.

We had such a movie day last Wednesday, and I have been haunted ever since. The first movie the group decided to watch was Wolf Creek, which is an Australian horror movie. It has an 18 plus rating in most countries and it definitely requires it, because it has haunted me since.

And I only lasted for half the movie.

Most of the first part of the movie is spent setting it up, but when it starts to get gory, it goes all the way and very quickly. After 10 minutes of this, I was crying, shaking and completely nauseated.

One of my male friends, who regularly watches this kind of movie, was surprised by my strong response to what I was watching and hearing. He made a remark that seemed to imply he thought I should be able to seperate reality from the make up, effects and acting that is on the screen. I was unable to answer him at the time, and at that point, the other guy (whose house it was) stopped the movie to escort me to somewhere I could sit and entertain myself for the rest of the movie, as he could see I wasn't enjoying it.

Though he will probably not see it, here is my answer to why I think I responded so strongly to the scenes in Wolf Creek. One is that, in Australia, this story of kidnapped and tortured backpackers is not so far-fetched. We have had two high profile cases in my lifetime of backpackers or stranded tourists picked up off the highway and killed, sometimes in very brutal ways. The second is that this film is really confronting in the fac that it gives no excuses for the cruelty and sadistic inhumanity of the villain. In the other thriller/horror films we watched that day, we saw violence and death blamed on haunted houses, on curses and hoodoo, on alien invaders, and on schizophrenics who believe they're God. The killer in Wolf Creek was none of these things. He simply... killed and raped and tortured because he found pleasure in it. He found pleasure in evil.

I fear this. I fear it, because I know there is a tiny bit of this madness in every soul on this Earth. My own included, for certain. Because when we're left alone, in the wilderness, and all the rules seem to go out the window, this is what can come out. Maybe not to the same degree, in the same gruesome way, but it is there.

I certainly won't be watching horror movies anymore. It scares me too much, but not in the way most people think. I am not afraid of blood; I am afraid of people.

Words, words, words...

Words, words, words
I'm so sick of words
All I get all day through
First from him, now from you!
Is that all you blighters can do?

I don't know about you, but I get very sick of words and talking in general. One of the things I hate the most, is listening to the drivel that comes out of my own mouth. My mother has tapes of my sister and I talking when we're little, because she wanted to record our baby voices. She thinks they're cute; I cringe when I hear them, becuase what I am saying is such nonsense. The problem is, I've never grown out of it. Half of what comes out of my mouth is time-wasting rubbish. If you were to record me now, I would probably be in agony within minutes of playback, wondering why on Earth I thought it was necessary to utter many of the things I did.

So I undertook a project this week. Before I spoke, I was to think about what I was about to say. And more particularly, how is saying this serving God's kingdom on Earth?

We say things for many reasons. One obvious way of building God's kingdom through speech is speaking to God, in prayer and praise. Others are usually more indirect. It could be counselling a friend, encouraging someone, helping someone out, or just the words needed to plan an activity.

But we also say things that aren't kingdom building too. These are things that aren't loving. You know, the snide comment about someone we find unattractive and have to poke fun of; the whinging complaint because we feel we've been hard done by; the joke that tears down other people. Even the disruptive chatter when someone is trying to achieve something, and we hinder them.

This is what I plan to go to war on.

I have to say, that I haven't been entirely successful so far. I've still let out quite a few "catty" comments, joined in some highly criticising conversations at work and done more than my share of complaining. This is going to be a long term project, becuase it's not only a change in what comes out of my mouth, but also altering what the words are expressing - my thought and my attitudes that underly my words. And any change in us is only going to be through the power of the Spirit and through prayer.