Unpredictable

First of all, I would like to thank those who sent me messages of support on Monday night and Tuesday morning. It was great to know you guys were praying for me in spite of my screwed-up-ness, and even better to be reminded of how loved I am by my friends, and most importantly, by God. Thank you, dear friends.

And now onto the content of tonight's post...

Now that I've re-entered the blogging world, I thought I might do a bit of series, to keep me on a roll. Now, for those of you who don't know me quite so personally, you may not be aware that in addition to being a part time blogger, I am also a full time diarist (yes, that is a word; look it up if you don't believe me). I have, for the last four and a half years, written in a diary every night, with a few exceptions, usually due to disabling illness or fatigue. And even then I usually try to catch up the next morning. But what does this have to do with my blog? Well, over the next few weeks/months/time periods yet to be determined, I am going to be reading back over these diaries and picking out highlights to reflect upon.

Monday 16th January 2006
I am pleased to announce I have moved onto another personal music fad - this time it's Christian rock music. ... I love Tobymac's "New World" and Kutless's "More Than It Seems" so much, I am determined to find other songs by them

I love the way all the different threads of your past come together to make your present. At this point in my life, I was still 12 months away from becoming a Christian. I'd never had any reason to come in contact with the Christian music before, and yet suddenly I discovered a few songs I liked. I didn't end up getting more of their songs at the time - I guess at that stage, it really was a fad. But at the same time, it was the start of something that was to change my life forever. And I still love Christian music.

P.S. For the really astute among you, who noticed that my last post prior to my big break also mentions the song "More Than It Seems"?

Confession

I screwed up today.

It's not so hard to say that to the infinite oblivion that is the Internet, where I am practically anonymous... but it's far harder to confess having done wrong to someone you work for, who has put trust in you to do your job well. It can be agonising, the feeling that you have let people down.

So why don't I feel this agony about all my sin? Why do I seem to be able to "confess" so easily before God?

When I look back on it, I know the answer. Here and now, with this mistake, I have no option other than to say that I am at fault. But when it comes to confessing before God, I am always quick to point the finger at my flawed human nature and the devil and whoever else I can claim led me to this point. But it was still my choice. And my choice was to sin. I am at fault.

The other reason why I believe I am often glib in my confessions before God is that I don't take the consequences of sin seriously. The consequences of my error today could have been very bad for my career, but what's a job when you're faced with the realities of Hell or the body of an innocent man broken and bleeding for you?

This wretched feeling I have right now will probably pass away and eventually this will all fade to distant memory. But there are some things that should never be forgotten, and the price God paid to redeem us from the consequences of our own sin is one of them.

Out of the Silence

For five months, there has been nothing but silence from me in the world of Blog. For this, I apologise. There have been so many changes in my life this year, that I can hardly believe it myself.

Five months ago, I started my first full time job. For the first week, I could do nothing outside work other than sleep and eat.

Four months ago, I walked into my first church bible study group. I've never realised the book of Nehemiah could be so hilarious.

Three months ago, I curtsied before the Academic Pro-Vice Chancellor as he presented me with my degree. I didn't fall over on stage.

Two months ago, I faced my first assignment for my internship. 48 pages of questions later....

One month ago, I realised I was struggling in my relationship with God. And the girls of my bible study held my hand and prayed for me and slowly but surely the light grew brighter....

as I started to read the Bible while I was awake enough to understand it
as I confessed my failings to my sisters and to God
as I relearnt what it is to pray - and to want to pray
as I started delving back into good Christian books
as I listened more to my friends and those I look up to and less to myself

Adjusting to change is hard. It's easy to lose relationships with everyone including God along the way. Sometimes you can even lose yourself. But God never loses you.

Capable

On Monday [where today is Wednesday, just for a little context], I started a new job. My first full-time job, to be precise. It has been an overwhelming experience. Everyone and everything is new and I've been feeling a bit like a fish out of water.

Today during my lunch break, I went and sat out in the beautiful gardens that surround the hospital. And as I often do, I decided to chill out to some music, so I put my mp3 player on shuffle, and the song that came on was "More Than It Seems" by Kutless. The song is about Peter in Narnia, and his journey from English school-boy to the High King who leads the Narnians to defeat the White Witch.

The final line of the chorus is "I am capable of more than it seems" and it was such a comfort to me, because that is exactly how I feel, but I needed to be reminded of it. When you are new and struggling, you start to doubt yourself, your abilities and your worth. It's in that moment that you need to be reminded that God has placed you there for a reason. He has given you - or will give you - all the talents, knowledge and skills you need to fill the position he has placed you in, in a way that brings glory to Him. But first, there might be a period of learning and of frustration. The hard part is to be patient and keep trusting in God that this is where you are meant to be.

For Life

Yesterday I went to the wedding of two Christian friends who I have known through most of my time at university. I haven't been to a lot of weddings, but yesterday I noticed something.

The popular form of the answer to the wedding vows is to say "I do". Countless wedding cards and an entire ABBA song are dedicated to this well known part of the wedding. However, the vow in both the Christian weddings I've been to this year has not been "I do", but "I will".

There's a significant difference there, when you consider what the person is promising at the moment - to love, to honour, to share a life. "I do" says "At this moment, this is what is true of my life, that I do love this person, honour this person, want to share a life with this person." It is a state of the present. But "I will" is a future tense, isn't it? It says "I am going to keep doing this, for the rest of my life, not just for as long as I feel like it."

I know I'm making a big thing out of a little difference, one that most people wouldn't even notice. But there is a difference between the world's view of marriage, and what a Christian marriage is. One is all about what is going to make you happy now, while the other is about loving one another in a way that reflects God's love - and that love is eternal and unwavering. There's much more that could be said on this topic, but I will leave that to those who know far more about love than I do :P

In Limbo

It's a strange feeling, but at the moment I feel like I'm in limbo, suspended between finishing university and starting full-time work. I'm just kind of floating around. There is nothing I have to do at the moment, and my mind doesn't really know how to cope with the lack of pressure.

I've started a multitude of creative projects, just to give myself something to do. Cause you discover very quickly that while the idea of having no commitments, no deadlines and no responsibilities sounds fantastic in theory, it actually gets rather tedious much quicker than you expect.

At the moment, in no particular order, I am:
- making a dress
- writing 2 books
- starting a new blogging project
- embroidering a tablecloth
- cleaning my room and study from top to bottom


These are things I would probably have only had as vague ideas unless I had so much time on my hands.

You know what the other things that really been filling up my day has been? Having a decent quiet time, of sitting and talking to God and just waiting on Him for answers. I always struggled with having a consistent quiet time while at uni. There was always so many things gathering to drag me back into the world. Phone buzzing, emails arriving, deadlines looming. And now... nothing. So, I plan to use this time to set a good habit that I can keep to once I start work in January.

Life Together

Author Note: This is my latest poetical effort, in honour of the fact that graduating uni and leaving behind the wonderful Christian family that are Student Life.

Life Together

Life together is in the taste of marshmallows all gooey in the centre and made smoky by the campfire at Heathcote; of bitter tea prepared by one of my sweet brothers at 3am after a long night in the drop-in centre; of rich chocolate consumed to excess in the giggling company of my dear sisters.

Life together is in the smell of tomatoes and fragrant herbs as Sam makes pasta sauce to feed hungry pray-ers (who have become more than slightly sick of pizza); of sunscreen and overheated plastic under the tarp of our stall at O-week; of the cold misty air that rises off Lake Hume mingling with the stubborn tinge of pancake residue that somehow still clings to my hair from a morning of cooking.

Life together is in the sight of two heads bent over a familiar little green booklet; of a smile of relief as a first year discovers that surveying isn’t that scary after all - and no, I didn’t die; of watching the majestic sun rise as we stand together wrapped in blankets on the beach at Lorne, bleary-eyed after only 2 hours sleep – or less.

Life together is in the sound of those familiar words – “Would you like to do a quick survey? There’s a free Chupa-chupa” – as we hope to find that one student who is curious to find out more; of crowds of hyperactive students screaming “Living on a Prayer” at the top of their lungs – just because it’s the last night of MYC and we can; of the whispers of a prayer in a quiet corner.

Life together is in the touch of a brother’s hand on my shoulder, wordlessly asking “Are you okay?” when I come into Weekly Meeting looking like death warmed up; of my sister’s arms around me as I lament the newest shadow to cross my life; of heads brushing as we huddle together to cry out in prayer.

Life together is in the feeling of overwhelming love and “rightness” of being amongst friends; of delight and freedom of being loved by grace, of the peace that transcends all understanding found in finally seeing where my heart’s true home lies.

Life together is in every memory made, every moment of joy celebrated, every heart changed and future transformed. Our friends, our family, our fellowship. Our Student Life.