Listening Within

The Holy Spirit and his role is never something discussed in school scripture or Sunday school, apart from a brief mention as the mysterious "third member of the trinity" - the gas, to God and Jesus' ice and water (if I may use the analogy used to explain the trinity to me at school). And what I heard from the media and discussion about Christianity confused me. What the heck was "being slain in the Spirit" (a question I still have today...) or what does it mean to be "led by the Spirit"?

So the Spirit remained this shadowy background presence that my little Anglican-brought up self wasn't sure she wanted anything to do with.

After I started going to bible study, I started hearing different things, about how the Spirit lives in all Christians. And there were these fruit of the Spirit, which everyone wants to have and we need to rely on the Spirit... "But what does it all mean? How does it work?" I wanted to ask.

It's been a long time coming, but I finally feel I am beginning to understand a bit about the Holy Spirit, and how He works. He is God dwelling in us, and because of that, He changes the way we perceive the world. I think in a sense the Holy Spirit is God-coloured glasses, that every Christian puts on - often without knowing it - when they sign up to follow Christ. And while we are still looking around for 'evidence' of the Spirit in our lives - healings, tongues, miracles - we miss the real evidence of the work of the Spirit. Those moments where the Spirit has allowed us to see glimpses of God and feel joy, to reach out in love where we would have held back, the recognition of sin and turning from it - these are the real evidence of the Spirit.

But what does that mean? To me, it means I need to listen more inside. I don't think the Spirit speaks in an audible voice, even inside, or in any words - or at least, He certainly hasn't for me. But I know that it is He who brings the changes are reshaping my mind and my heart, and when I am quiet and listening, He shows me these things, and what else needs to be done.

I know there is much more I have to learn about the Spirit and his role, and that there definitely are some flaws in my understanding at present, but I feel I've come a long way from the Holy Ghost lurking somewhere in the murky depths, that I knew of in the past. And before I go, I must acknowledge a book that has helped me to articulate a lot of what I have begun to experience - Reaching for the Invisible God, by Philip Yancey (in particular the chapters "The Go-Between" and "Out of Control").

An hour of my life...

26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in
barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable
than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Jesus - Matthew 6:26-27

I will readily admit that I stress a lot. My natural instinct in a difficult situation is always to worry - to imagine what could go wrong and think the worst. I don't enjoy this experience, and neither do others around me. I hate it when I can't concentrate on what people are saying because I have all my worries running through my mind. I resent the fact that it makes me look unhappy and perpetually in a rush. But most of all, I dislike the fact that it just consumes so much of my time and my energy. It takes away from my whole life - sleeping, eating, studying, relaxing... everything is affected. It certainly doesn't add anything to my life - instead, it damages my normal existence.

In the lead up to an event that has been causing me a fair bit of stress and worry, I sat down with my mentor, and she tried to get me to talk through my worrying and what its like. I came up with this metaphor - not perfect, but gives you the basic idea of what I feel worrying is like.

For me, worry is like this enveloping cloud. Each little detail is another wisp of white, and as they gather all around you, they blind you to the bigger picture until you can't see what you're doing or where you're going. It's not until you step outside the cloud, that you see what which way the wind is blowing and whether your cloud is a storm cloud or a fluff ball. We need to step outside our worries and look at the bigger picture of what God is doing, and what his purpose is in this stressful time.

Facing Fears

Yesterday at church, our speaker really confronted us with looking at our lives to examine what areas we lack faith in. He suggested areas like money or studies - that working copious hours at work or spending every moment studying is a lack of faith in God's provision. But what came to my mind is that often I fail to have faith in God's ability to overcome my fears.

I am naturally a fearful person. Ironically, last night, I watched a movie - Nim's Island - where one of the main characters is afraid of everything - germs, spiders, other people, her front door... And while I was able to laugh at Alex's silliness, and at her misadventures as she is forced to face her fears in order to help Nim, I saw a little bit of myself in her. I am afraid of so much. Now, I know the right kind of fear - a healthy respect for God's power - is essential, but the wrong kind of fear - my kind of fear - is a failure to trust God and his goodness, and that is sin.

Funnily enough, today, I got thrown in the deep end. My mother proposed we take a trip out of the city, to a rainforest about 2 hours away. Sounds lovely, yes? But then comes the tricky part. I am learning to drive at the moment, and honestly, it scares me to death. My mother wanted me to drive there, which meant winding country roads and two motorways. Then came the clincher. Since I was a little girl, I have had a phobia of heights. Winding staircases and those steel grid gangways send me into a sobbing mess. And suddenly we get to the rainforest, where Mum wants to go on a new rainforest canopy walk - an elevated walkway 20 metres off the forest floor, culminating in a 45m high tower - with an open to the air winding staircase to the top.

And I did them both.

I think God must be into practical lessons.

Protected

Both these occurrences were a few weeks ago, but I remembered both of them this morning, and I finally saw them in a different light.

I was sitting in a lecture a while ago, and most of my friends were talking, while I was off day-dreaming (as normal). When they all burst out laughing, I returned to Earth and asked in my normal nosy fashion what they were talking about. One of the guys was about to relate the joke to me, when my friend stopped him. I looked at him in surprise, and he could obviously see that in my face. So he said very carefully, "You don't want to hear this joke", and I could tell from the expression on his face exactly what kind of joke it had been. This guy is a good friend, one of the few other Christians in my course, and I trust his judgement (most of the time) but at the time I felt quite... well, babied - as if I wasn't responsible enough to make my own call on what I should hear. And also a bit of "Well who are you to have a say in what I listen to? You're not my boyfriend or my family."

Then a couple of weeks later, a similar thing happened. I was walking through one of the buildings on campus, when the guys I was walking with (who is normally VERY talkative) stopped talking, and said, "Kit, I just want you to look at me, and not at the walls". Yet again, my face must have said it all, because he explained straight away. "There's some new 'art' up that you probably don't want to see." Again, at the time I obeyed, but more out of humouring my friend than out of believing he was right. In fact, I think my thought at the time was "Oh, it's probably just pictures of naked people. That wouldn't bother me; I've studied anatomy."

This morning brought a whole new light on these incidents. Instead of feeling patronised or resentful, I started to feel thankful for what these guys had done for me. In a world that seems to do everything it can to strip young people of their purity, these guys had put themselves out to protect MY purity. Not their own, but mine. They cared enough about a sister (who didn't care herself) to step in and hold her back from harm. And while I know these certainly weren't horrific dangers to my purity, what means something to me is that they cared. Think about, sisters - true brothers will want to protect your purity, even as the world tries to take it away.

I'm With You

"Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? Won't somebody come take me home? Cause
it's a damn cold night, tryin' to figure out this life. Why won't you take me by
the hand, take me somewhere new. I don't know who you are, but I, I'm with you."
I'm With You, Avril Lavigne

I don't think the song has a lot to do with whats on my mind, but it was one of my favourite songs a few years ago, and so I thought it was worth a mention. What I have been hit with tonight - not literally, obviously and thankfully as I bruise easily - is the fact that Christ is ALWAYS with us.

He even says it, at the end of the Great Commission. On campus, we get very excited about the Creat Commission, and we refer to it a lot, and so I assume I know it, and my eyes begin to glaze over when I hear it again. But today I actually heard it, and I had a few thoughts.

I think we often ignore or forget the last part of it. "And surely I am with you aways, to the very ends of the age." It's hard, or at least for me. Know Jesus has authority -check. Go make disciples - check. Baptise and teach them - check. But believe that Jesus will always be there, walking beside you and carrying you through the tough times - that's a lot harder.

I have been given a new role in my ministry that is quite differnt from my last one, which was a an admin one. This new one is more a leadership role, and I still feel quite daunted about taking it on. But knowing that Jesus is walking with me each step of the way - that is is the truth I will have to learn to depend on. I need to learn, sort of like Avril, to be saying "I'm with you" to Jesus and trusting in God's faithfulness.

Being Pretty

Bible study times are fun times, but also times when I learn the most. I was doing a study a couple of days ago with two other girls. We were looking at purity, which can be a fairly hectic topic for young people, when one of the girls managed to breaj the tension completely. We were looking at a verse in 1 Peter 3, when my friend suddenly announced, "I like this chapter. It teaches you how to be pretty." Both I and the other girl stared at her for a moment, before she amended "In God's eyes." At which point we all promptly burst out laughing, because she just sounded so cute saying it. Later, apart from appreciating the irony of the comment - as the girl who said is physically very beautiful and could probably get work as a model if she wanted it, her comment started me thinking.

Not so much what true beauty is, but rather how to obtain it. My friend used the word "teach", which isn't what society would normally associate with beauty, is it? In the world, you are either born beautiful (too late on that one... joking. I'm perfectly happy with how I look :) ) or you buy beauty (not on my wages...). So that brings us back to learning, and I would dare to add growing or developing, as ways beauty can be produced.

And how do we learn to have "a gentle and quiet spirit"? Peter gives us one source - by looking at the lives of the women of the Bible, and I would add, by emulating the faithful Christian women in our churches, friends and families. I know I learn best when something is modelled for me to follow. The other way I think we can learn beauty is the one I know I need to pay more attention too, and that is growing through my mistakes - looking back on when I have failed to demonstrate this and examining my attitude and motives in that situation.

I know being quiet adn gentle is counter-cultural in a society that is rewarding women for exposing themselves adn celebrates "bitching" as a freedom. Interesting, I think. Freedom in envy and anger? Give me serenity any day, thank you.

Tolerance, Passion and Facade

This issue has been on my mind for a while, after a discussion with a friend at uni. It's about the way we worship as Christians. Now, I don't want to rehash the whole issue of how worship is a lifestyle and not just an event, which is one major problem I have (personally and culturally).

What I have been thinking about is a little less deep, and more to do with how we worship as a church body. I don't want to get into one of those debates that always seem to come up between denominations on what is acceptable and what is not. I am certainly not saying that the way my church does it is right and another is wrong. I definitely don't have the theological knowledge to make that kind of call. But my friend was saying she found her current church passionless in worship, compared to her previous church.

I want to prefix my thoughts on this topic by referring you to Romans 14. It's a passage Paul has written to the Roman church about food laws, and whether or not to follow them, but I think the same principle applies here. The underlying message is that on more trivial issues like what we eat or how we sing, we shouldn't judge others unnecessarily, but let them do what they require to help them cling closely to God. (Note: This doesn't mean 'do whatever you like in the name of getting closer to God'.) So I think it's vital that we not only tolerate, but appreciate, that others connect with God differently than we might.

Passion is a tricky thing. It can be contagious and explosive, but it can also be patiently simmering - like in the expression, still waters run deep. I tend to feel quite deeply about this issue, because I am a fairly shy person by nature, and I don't always like sharing things that are close to my heart. (No, I am not saying this is a good thing - it can lead me try and carry my burdens myself too often, and it sometimes drives my discipler nuts!) So what I am saying is what may be perceived as a lack of passion may actually be a lack of physically expressed passion. And while I have no issue with those who are physically expressive in worship (raising hands, jumping etc), I feel no need to do so myself. I connect with God best when I am still. If I am moving, I always aware of my movements and my surroundings. I can't "lose myself" in movement, only in stillness.

I was once told "Passion is energy that moves things". I have always believed this statement, and it has greatly shaped my concept of 'passion'. To me, passion is not an emotion, it is a force. It is a driver and director and a creator, not just a feeling. And because I don't see it as a feeling, it is not something that can be expressed on a face or a movement, but in a word or a deed or a choice. Again, I think we come back to the main problem - worship is a lifestyle, not an event.

Finally, I think we can put too much emphasis on the appearance of passion, when the reality of it is sadly lacking. During my final three high school years, I toyed with a range of beliefs, Christianity being one of them. One of the factors that pushed me away from it was - as usual - not a problem with Christianity, but with Christians. There were a number of girls at my school who attended a large church in my area, and who organised a Christian music event at our school and stood at the front with their arms raised. One month later the same girls were suspended for consuming alcohol underage on a school camp. The seeming disconnect between their behaviour and their professed beliefs gave me an easy way out to say 'Christianity must not mean much, after all'. This is the danger of facades - when they are broken, people's faith is shattered too.

So what's my conclusion? Show it through song if you want to, but more importantly - mean it and live it!