Broken

"I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into better shape."

Estella, Great Expectations, Charles Dickens.

"If I try and bend that far, I will break."

Tevye, Fiddler in the Roof.

Bending and breaking - something I feel like I've been doing a lot of lately. It's strange how well Dickens - who was fairly anti-religion - captures one of the hardest parts of Christianity - the fact that there will be hardship and suffering, but that it's ultimate goal is to create a better shaped - more Christ-like - person.

Too often, I think we adopt Tevye's point of view, that if we continue to take more and more strain, we will eventually shatter, never to recover. But we forget, I think, that we do not need to carry the world's burden anymore - whatever that may look like for us - study, work, financial pressures. Instead, Jesus asks us to walk with him, do as he asks, and he will carry our heavy load for us. The other thing to consider, as Estella points out, is that we assume breaking to be a bad thing. But I think those really dark and hard times in my life is when I have known myself best. I have seen what I am capable of, for good or evil, and I have glimpsed the good that God can do, though anything.

Do I wish there was an easier way? Yes, of course. Would I choose not to go through those times if I could? No, I woul do it again, and I will do it again, as I learn all the lessons that God has planned for me, and the flames of the crucible continue to burn off the charf.

L'Affaire de la Coeur

Excuse my bad French to begin with - I think that's how it's spelt, but I can't remember.

Anyway, the point of this entry is a follow-up to one of my previous entries. If you haven't read it, it's not necessary - it was just me acting very angst-ridden about the state of my relationship with a friend, most of which is probably in my head.

So, I have been thinking a lot on the issue of romance and love, and I finally heard a very down-to-Earth sermon today that really seemed to drive the point home. As I have blundered about in the romantic arena, many wiser women have reminded me of the Song of Solomon's verse that talks about not awakening love too early. This all seemed very esoteric to me. How was I to know when was the right time? If I always think its too early, will I miss the person I'm meant to be with?

This sermon phrased it somewhat differently though, and I think that is what helped me understand. It said very bluntly that, as Christians, the goal of dating is marriage - not sex, not a good time, but marriage. Therefore, if you are not ready to get married, there is no point in dating. It seems harsh, and there are some people who it probably doesn't apply to - the kind of people who can continue a relationship at the same level for long periods of time. I am not one of those people; I don't have that kind of perseverance. But for me, a relationship that is not going to progress would be toxic, and I know I'm not available for that kind of relationship yet.

So I'm going to be kissing dating good-bye, to use the popular phrase, at least for the moment. At the moment, uni is my excuse. This may change as I grow and mature (hopefully!), and before my time at uni is over, I might be ready. But for now, no dating. Until it can be dating that can lead to forever.

Honesty in Mentoring

I have had the privilege of being mentored (or discipled, the word we use on campus) by an wonderful older Christian, and have recently been given the responsibility of doing the same for another girl. Meeting up with her has been a great experience for me, not only in being able to pass on some of the things I have learnt, but in the amount she teaches me - or God teaches me through her.

Today was a great example. This was the first time we've met up since university has resumed after the winter break, and so I didn't plan a lesson, but instead decided we'd spend some time discussing how our holidays are, and then praying. (As an aside, I don't know if anyone else finds this, but holidays can be a really hard time for faith, as you're away from all the normal ministry activities...) I'd also giving her the homework of writing out her testimony over the holidays, and we talked about that.

But my revelation came right at the end. We were discussing some things to pray about before we parted, and the usual things came up - balancing uni with life, praise for a good start to the semester, as well as praying for a friend who is having a tough time at the moment, when I realized there was some problems - sin - in my own life, that I'd been struggling with that morning. After much hesitation, and some vague attempts at prevarication, I told this to the younger girl. Expecting to see a bit of disappointment or even judgement on her face, I was surprised by her response. "You struggle with that, too?" she said. "Kit, that's such a relief for me."

We haven't really covered this particular area before, and I hadn't known it was a problem for her either. Now, it will be something we can work on together, and hopefully keep each other accountable to. So I hope I have learnt my lesson, that it is vital that we be honest with our disciples, and let them know when we are struggling.