A Space of Flowers

Can't Slow Down

2010-08-25T22:36:00.003+10:00

The title of today's post comes from a piece on the Pride and Prejudice (2005) soundtrack, but I think it accurately represents a certain aspect of my life that amuses and confuses me.

The idea of being a workaholic has always seemed such a foreign concept to me, since I have always been a daydreamer who has always loved puzzles, books, arts and crafts... anything where I can easily spend a whole day doing not a lot really. But since I have started working (and working in health in particular perhaps) I have seen how easily I can fall into the trap of working too much. I've seen my arrival times at work get earlier, my leaving times get later, my breaks get shorter... One day, I almost forgot to have lunch because I was just so wrapped up in what I was doing.

It hasn't helped that I'm also studying part-time in addition to working full-time. I had a major exam last week, and so for an entire month before, I've been coming home and studying for 2-3 hours each night after working an 8 hour shift. But now the exam is over and I find myself unable to slow down and relax. My first night off, I found myself wandering from room to room, hoping something would come up to do, because I had no job, nothing I was working towards. It's strange, for someone who could formerly bludge a day away quite easily.

I don't know how to summarise all this, other than to say that I'm working towards a happy medium. I love working, but I don't want it to absorb my life. I love relaxing, but I also have things I've like to achieve. Not sure how I'll go walking that tightrope though.

Marking time

2010-07-18T22:23:00.003+10:00

Do you ever feel like you're running on the spot?

I think I've been feeling like this for a while, without realising why. I had no forward momentum, being so caught up with work and people and stuff, that I stopped going deeper with God. I stopped growing spiritually. And I think perhaps part of that was fear - fear of trusting every last piece of my heart and my will up to God. It seemed safer to stay where I was. I was already there; I knew the territory; it was comfortable. But the problem with trying to stay the same is that everything will keep changing around you, and sooner or later the current is going to take you with it. I was blessed that, for me, that current was my best friend, who has (metaphorically) given me a good push in the right direction. We're doing a great study series together at the moment that focuses on spiritual growth. But not everyone has a best friend like mine, and the danger is the current will be the world's current, which is rushing away from God as fast as it can go. So, are you going to choose to move forward in faith, or are you going to keep hesitating until the world drags you back?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot....

2010-06-21T21:03:00.005+10:00

Continuing in my trawling through my memoirs of old, I came upon an account of a party. This was the 18th birthday celebration of someone I was quite good friends with during the final years of high school. It was a great time, of food and movies and generally frivolity.

And I have not spoken to the birthday girl in 4 years.

It's funny how we lose touch with people. It happens all the time. Out of the 100 or so girls who were in my grade at high school, I still talk to 4 on a semi-regular basis. I've heard it said that we usually base our friendships on either proximity or pursuits - that is you are in the same place or like the same things. I've also head someone say that you only move from acquaintances to friends when you see someone in a context other than the one in which you first met them.

My friendship with the girl from high school couldn't be sustained under a lack of shared proximity or pursuits. We lacked that deep connection that motivated us to pursue our friendship and fight for it when it became harder. Because the strongest friendships are those that are built on the solid foundations of the gospel... I'm sure there is much more that could be said on this topic, but Mark Driscoll covers it far better than I could in this sermon.

Growing Up Godly

2010-06-14T12:05:00.002+10:00

Yesterday was my birthday... not a very significant one, but I'm now a "prime age" (I'll leave you to figure out what I mean by that). And while birthdays don't seem to mean as much as they used to when you were little, I always find that they are a great occasion to reflect and take stock of what your life is all about.

Birthdays are usually the time when all your relatives look at you and say "My, isn't she growing up fast?" and " "I remember when you were only this big and..." Now, I haven't physically grown in any direction for quite a number of years, but over the last 4 years I have grown a good deal spiritually (to say by leaps and bounds at some points I don't think is an exaggeration). But now I'm getting 'older' spiritually, it's great to look back and think "Am I still growing and maturing in Christ?" And while your growth as an older Christian is never going to be as much as it was when you were first born, just as with the growth of a child, you still want to be progressing.

Now, I don't have a cut and dried answer I can give you about my own growth. Sometimes I've taken a few steps forward, others I've gone backwards. It's been sort of like doing the hokey-pokey. And I'm okay with that. We'd all prefer it if it were good times all the way, but I know life just ain't like that. Just as long as I keep stepping up to dance.

Unpredictable

2010-06-09T20:46:00.004+10:00

First of all, I would like to thank those who sent me messages of support on Monday night and Tuesday morning. It was great to know you guys were praying for me in spite of my screwed-up-ness, and even better to be reminded of how loved I am by my friends, and most importantly, by God. Thank you, dear friends.

And now onto the content of tonight's post...

Now that I've re-entered the blogging world, I thought I might do a bit of series, to keep me on a roll. Now, for those of you who don't know me quite so personally, you may not be aware that in addition to being a part time blogger, I am also a full time diarist (yes, that is a word; look it up if you don't believe me). I have, for the last four and a half years, written in a diary every night, with a few exceptions, usually due to disabling illness or fatigue. And even then I usually try to catch up the next morning. But what does this have to do with my blog? Well, over the next few weeks/months/time periods yet to be determined, I am going to be reading back over these diaries and picking out highlights to reflect upon.

Monday 16th January 2006
I am pleased to announce I have moved onto another personal music fad - this time it's Christian rock music. ... I love Tobymac's "New World" and Kutless's "More Than It Seems" so much, I am determined to find other songs by them

I love the way all the different threads of your past come together to make your present. At this point in my life, I was still 12 months away from becoming a Christian. I'd never had any reason to come in contact with the Christian music before, and yet suddenly I discovered a few songs I liked. I didn't end up getting more of their songs at the time - I guess at that stage, it really was a fad. But at the same time, it was the start of something that was to change my life forever. And I still love Christian music.

P.S. For the really astute among you, who noticed that my last post prior to my big break also mentions the song "More Than It Seems"?

Confession

2010-06-07T21:02:00.003+10:00

I screwed up today.

It's not so hard to say that to the infinite oblivion that is the Internet, where I am practically anonymous... but it's far harder to confess having done wrong to someone you work for, who has put trust in you to do your job well. It can be agonising, the feeling that you have let people down.

So why don't I feel this agony about all my sin? Why do I seem to be able to "confess" so easily before God?

When I look back on it, I know the answer. Here and now, with this mistake, I have no option other than to say that I am at fault. But when it comes to confessing before God, I am always quick to point the finger at my flawed human nature and the devil and whoever else I can claim led me to this point. But it was still my choice. And my choice was to sin. I am at fault.

The other reason why I believe I am often glib in my confessions before God is that I don't take the consequences of sin seriously. The consequences of my error today could have been very bad for my career, but what's a job when you're faced with the realities of Hell or the body of an innocent man broken and bleeding for you?

This wretched feeling I have right now will probably pass away and eventually this will all fade to distant memory. But there are some things that should never be forgotten, and the price God paid to redeem us from the consequences of our own sin is one of them.

Out of the Silence

2010-06-02T21:42:00.003+10:00

For five months, there has been nothing but silence from me in the world of Blog. For this, I apologise. There have been so many changes in my life this year, that I can hardly believe it myself.

Five months ago, I started my first full time job. For the first week, I could do nothing outside work other than sleep and eat.

Four months ago, I walked into my first church bible study group. I've never realised the book of Nehemiah could be so hilarious.

Three months ago, I curtsied before the Academic Pro-Vice Chancellor as he presented me with my degree. I didn't fall over on stage.

Two months ago, I faced my first assignment for my internship. 48 pages of questions later....

One month ago, I realised I was struggling in my relationship with God. And the girls of my bible study held my hand and prayed for me and slowly but surely the light grew brighter....

as I started to read the Bible while I was awake enough to understand it
as I confessed my failings to my sisters and to God
as I relearnt what it is to pray - and to want to pray
as I started delving back into good Christian books
as I listened more to my friends and those I look up to and less to myself

Adjusting to change is hard. It's easy to lose relationships with everyone including God along the way. Sometimes you can even lose yourself. But God never loses you.

Capable

2010-01-06T18:53:00.002+11:00

On Monday [where today is Wednesday, just for a little context], I started a new job. My first full-time job, to be precise. It has been an overwhelming experience. Everyone and everything is new and I've been feeling a bit like a fish out of water.

Today during my lunch break, I went and sat out in the beautiful gardens that surround the hospital. And as I often do, I decided to chill out to some music, so I put my mp3 player on shuffle, and the song that came on was "More Than It Seems" by Kutless. The song is about Peter in Narnia, and his journey from English school-boy to the High King who leads the Narnians to defeat the White Witch.

The final line of the chorus is "I am capable of more than it seems" and it was such a comfort to me, because that is exactly how I feel, but I needed to be reminded of it. When you are new and struggling, you start to doubt yourself, your abilities and your worth. It's in that moment that you need to be reminded that God has placed you there for a reason. He has given you - or will give you - all the talents, knowledge and skills you need to fill the position he has placed you in, in a way that brings glory to Him. But first, there might be a period of learning and of frustration. The hard part is to be patient and keep trusting in God that this is where you are meant to be.

For Life

2009-12-20T23:05:00.000+11:00

Yesterday I went to the wedding of two Christian friends who I have known through most of my time at university. I haven't been to a lot of weddings, but yesterday I noticed something.

The popular form of the answer to the wedding vows is to say "I do". Countless wedding cards and an entire ABBA song are dedicated to this well known part of the wedding. However, the vow in both the Christian weddings I've been to this year has not been "I do", but "I will".

There's a significant difference there, when you consider what the person is promising at the moment - to love, to honour, to share a life. "I do" says "At this moment, this is what is true of my life, that I do love this person, honour this person, want to share a life with this person." It is a state of the present. But "I will" is a future tense, isn't it? It says "I am going to keep doing this, for the rest of my life, not just for as long as I feel like it."

I know I'm making a big thing out of a little difference, one that most people wouldn't even notice. But there is a difference between the world's view of marriage, and what a Christian marriage is. One is all about what is going to make you happy now, while the other is about loving one another in a way that reflects God's love - and that love is eternal and unwavering. There's much more that could be said on this topic, but I will leave that to those who know far more about love than I do :P

In Limbo

2009-12-08T15:54:00.002+11:00

It's a strange feeling, but at the moment I feel like I'm in limbo, suspended between finishing university and starting full-time work. I'm just kind of floating around. There is nothing I have to do at the moment, and my mind doesn't really know how to cope with the lack of pressure.

I've started a multitude of creative projects, just to give myself something to do. Cause you discover very quickly that while the idea of having no commitments, no deadlines and no responsibilities sounds fantastic in theory, it actually gets rather tedious much quicker than you expect.

At the moment, in no particular order, I am:
- making a dress
- writing 2 books
- starting a new blogging project
- embroidering a tablecloth
- cleaning my room and study from top to bottom

These are things I would probably have only had as vague ideas unless I had so much time on my hands.

You know what the other things that really been filling up my day has been? Having a decent quiet time, of sitting and talking to God and just waiting on Him for answers. I always struggled with having a consistent quiet time while at uni. There was always so many things gathering to drag me back into the world. Phone buzzing, emails arriving, deadlines looming. And now... nothing. So, I plan to use this time to set a good habit that I can keep to once I start work in January.

Life Together

2009-11-03T19:06:00.003+11:00

Author Note: This is my latest poetical effort, in honour of the fact that graduating uni and leaving behind the wonderful Christian family that are Student Life.

Life Together

Life together is in the taste of marshmallows all gooey in the centre and made smoky by the campfire at Heathcote; of bitter tea prepared by one of my sweet brothers at 3am after a long night in the drop-in centre; of rich chocolate consumed to excess in the giggling company of my dear sisters.

Life together is in the smell of tomatoes and fragrant herbs as Sam makes pasta sauce to feed hungry pray-ers (who have become more than slightly sick of pizza); of sunscreen and overheated plastic under the tarp of our stall at O-week; of the cold misty air that rises off Lake Hume mingling with the stubborn tinge of pancake residue that somehow still clings to my hair from a morning of cooking.

Life together is in the sight of two heads bent over a familiar little green booklet; of a smile of relief as a first year discovers that surveying isn’t that scary after all - and no, I didn’t die; of watching the majestic sun rise as we stand together wrapped in blankets on the beach at Lorne, bleary-eyed after only 2 hours sleep – or less.

Life together is in the sound of those familiar words – “Would you like to do a quick survey? There’s a free Chupa-chupa” – as we hope to find that one student who is curious to find out more; of crowds of hyperactive students screaming “Living on a Prayer” at the top of their lungs – just because it’s the last night of MYC and we can; of the whispers of a prayer in a quiet corner.

Life together is in the touch of a brother’s hand on my shoulder, wordlessly asking “Are you okay?” when I come into Weekly Meeting looking like death warmed up; of my sister’s arms around me as I lament the newest shadow to cross my life; of heads brushing as we huddle together to cry out in prayer.

Life together is in the feeling of overwhelming love and “rightness” of being amongst friends; of delight and freedom of being loved by grace, of the peace that transcends all understanding found in finally seeing where my heart’s true home lies.

Life together is in every memory made, every moment of joy celebrated, every heart changed and future transformed. Our friends, our family, our fellowship. Our Student Life.

Exist. Together.

2009-10-27T20:28:00.002+11:00

Sometimes just being together is enough.

I went to visit my best friend today. Just stopped over for 15 minutes on my way home, just because I could. We didn't talk much. We just sat and did the puzzles in the newspaper, and discussing crossword clues and which numbers went where in the kenken puzzle took up the majority of what we spoke about.

But sometimes, just doing something simple and not talking about it is enough, for the mere fact that you are together and you both know that words aren't really all that necessary. You've already said it all just by being there.

Eating My Words

2009-10-14T11:01:00.003+11:00

Just when I think I've understood something, and I post about it, it comes back to bite me. Last post I spoke about trusting Jesus, and I've realized this week how little I have been doing that.

This week has been a week of frustrations. Not only have I been sick, but a whole string of little things seem to be going wrong. Things that I need are missing from my paperwork, my email account was hacked, people won't answer their phones.... None of them are major crises, but added together, it all makes me want to scream. Or break things. Or both. [For those of you who know me in real life, this may surprise you, but I do have a nasty temper when I'm upset. Yes, I know, you probably can't imagine it. But I assure you the mild mannered Kitty you know is just a cover-up for the crazy one underneath.]

But anyway, back on topic. All this served to remind me not only how much I had failed to trust God with it, but how little I'd even been talking about it to Him. Last week I did a Bible study about Hannah, Samuel's mother in the book of 1 Samuel. She's a fairly cool lady, and I wish I was more like her.... She starts off the books a bit of a mess. She can't have kids and she's incredibly bitter and discontent with her life. Not unlike me (but to a much greater extent), she's frustrated that her life isn't working out the way she wants it to. But with the encouragement of her loving husband, instead of keeping all her feelings inside and letting them fester, she pours her heart out before God - with so much feeling that Eli thinks she's drunk!

God designed us with feelings. He doesn't expect us to carry the weight of our emotions on our own. We needs to be honest about our feelings, not only with each other, but most importantly with Him. Tell Him if your overflowing with joy and overwhelmed with sorrow or overwrought with anxiety. He listens. And He acts.

Time After Time

2009-10-06T12:23:00.002+11:00

It's been a while since my last post - 21 days to be exact. And how much has happened in that time!

I got an internship position for next year at a great hospital, which is such an amazing answer to my prayers and those of many of my friends who were kind enough to be praying about my employment for next year.

But getting a job has really confirmed for me that I will be graduating uni at the end of this year, and that my life is about to change dramatically. I've already been feeling the hints of maturity creeping in... A good friend is getting married in December, while I had the joy a few weeks ago of playing with the 9 month old son of one of my closest high school friends.

As I extricate myself from my wallowing in nostalgia, I will only add in closing that all that has happened in the past few weeks has served to remind me both of God's goodness and also his sovereignty. I was listening to an old hymn a few days ago, which begins " 'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus". I can only say Amen to that.

Tuesday Tunes: Edition 2

2009-09-15T15:52:00.003+10:00

This week I'm putting in a song some of you may not have heard before. It's my probably favourite worship song, based on Psalm 62 and written by Aaron Keyes and Stuart Townend. It's called My Soul Finds Rest in God Alone.

My soul finds fest in God alone
My Rock and my salvation
A fortress strong against my foes
And I will not be shaken.
Though lips may bless and hearts may curse
And lies like arrows pierce me
I'll fix my heart on righteousness
I'll look to him who hears me

Oh, praise Him, hallelujah,
My delight and my reward
Everlasting, never failing,
My redeemer, my God.

There are two more verse after this, but I haven't the patience to type it all out. Copying and pasting isn't working for me right now. Instead, I'll suggest you watch Aaron Keyes perform the whole song here.

I've had a crazy time this year with my health, my friendships, my study load and my future. But this song has been a huge blessing, in keeping the words of the Psalm in my mind - that in all my busyness, it is only in God that I will find rest. And He provides not only rest, but a safe and loving embrace when we feel (or know) the world is against us. In Him, I will not be shaken.

Another Poetic Foray...

2009-09-05T22:00:00.002+10:00

With Bread
(A Poem for Liliane)

It is with bread
That we share our lives
As brothers and sisters, all united
Our community of faith
Church

It is with bread
That we give thanks
For the healing of a world divided
Our symbol of repentance
Communion

It is with bread
That we walk with our Lord
In the joy of life resurrected
Our Lamb of salvation
Christ

Each day
Our Bread of Life
Companion

Tuesday Tunes: Edition 1

2009-09-01T16:08:00.000+10:00

I love music. Yes, I do. And so I've decided that every now and then, I am going to share with you a song (or part of a song) that has touched my heart. And so, it gives me great pleasure to present to you "Spoken For" by MercyMe.

Take this world from me
I don’t need it anymore
I am finally free
My heart is spoken for
Oh and I praise You
Oh and I worship You

Covered by a love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear You say, “This one’s Mine”
My heart is spoken for

Now I have a peace
That I’ve never known before
I find myself complete
My heart is spoken for
Oh and I praise You
Oh and I worship You

By the power of the cross
You’ve taken what was lost
And made it fully Yours
I have been redeemed
By You who spoke to me
Now I am spoken for

Take this world from me
I don't need it anymore

Written by MercyMe and Peter Kipley© 2002 Simpleville Music (ASCAP) / Songs from the Indigo Room (SESAC)

I'm very fond of MercyMe, but in particular this song, the title track of their second album. It always reminds me that God wants me just as I am, and that other than Him, I don't need anything else to complete me. Not a university degree, not a boyfriend, not perfect health. Nothing.

And my response can only be to give over my heart to Him. There is nothing in the world that I need so much as Him, and even though it's often not the case, I would love to be able to stand up to the world and tell it to leave my heart alone, because I've already given it all away to the God whom I love.

Dedicated to the singing cucumber who stole my heart

2009-08-18T11:12:00.004+10:00

Sometimes I think I spend far more time doing what I think will make me happy, than doing what actually does make me happy. Confused? Let me explain.

On Sunday I was trying to work hard on putting together my resume, as the time is fast approaching when I will (hopefully) graduate and need employment. But, as you do, after a couple of hours of working on this document, I found I was becoming less and less productive and realised it was time for a break. So as is my usually bad habit, I went onto my favourite games site on the net and started to play, only to find it wasn't really giving me any happiness. At a loss as to what to do to console myself, I wandered upstairs and flipped on the television, only to find that VeggieTales was on. Now, for anyone not familiar with VeggieTales, it is a Christian children's cartoon, where singing vegetables act out Bible stories or stories about knowing God. Yes, it sounds ridiculous. But it's also fabulous.

I haven't watched a whole episode of VeggieTales since I was in primary school, but that day, it was exactly what I needed. Even in his ridiculously high pitched cucumber-y voice, Larry reminded me of some important things about God I had been ignoring and also what it means to just have fun. Even if that means singing along at the top of your voice completely crazy songs about water buffaloes and blue kangaroos.

More than you think you are...

2009-08-16T12:06:00.002+10:00

I was having a conversation the other day with one of my closest friends, and I must admit I was being a little emo and venting all my 'issues' on the poor guy. And he said to me that I was a gem, and to make light of it all I jokingly said "What colour?"

And this is what he replied to me "Rainbow to show the many different facets of your character that makes you such a valuable gem".
(Yes, all the girls reading this may now swoon...).

Opals are one of the most expensive gemstones in the world. They may appear black or white on the outside, but when light hits them at the right angle, they become an riot of colours. And this is true of every soul, only I had forgotten it.

We are all more than the colour we see on the surface. Often we get trapped into thinking of ourselves one way - in many cases a very negative way. But we are more than we think we are. I may see myself as a student or a patient because that is the role I am filling that day. But there is so much more underneath.

I am friend-sister-daughter-leader-student-patient-carer-follower-mentor-counsellor-artist-listener-evangelist-musician-intercessor-witness. And these are only the ones I could think of at the moment.

But just like the opal, you will only see yourself truly in the light.

Jesus answered "I am the way and the truth and the light" John 14:6

If you want to know who you are truly, you need to see yourself through the eyes of the one who made you and the one who saved you. To quote a song I rather like, identity is found in Christ (Identity, Lecrae).

A Simple Gift

2009-08-09T17:25:00.003+10:00

You know how sometimes there are people in your life that you could never say or do enough to thank them for being there for you? My best friend is definitely tops the list, but there are also two guys out there who have a very special place in my heart and who I couldn't imagine surviving the last year without. This is a small present to them. Excuse the strange first line... it came out of a random comment from my best friend, when we were hanging out with one of the guys and she saw something stuck on his wall.

To my heart's dearest brothers - ASD and MSC

This is a love letter
you may put on your wall
Tell the whole world -
I've told them before
You've been there
to pick me up when I fall.
Brother of my heart
I couldn't ask for more.

There have been dark days
and even harder nights.
Yet through it all I see
you stood by my side
Helping me back towards
the unfading Light
Brother of my heart -
example, friend and guide.

Underappreciated

2009-07-27T11:59:00.004+10:00

A few weeks ago, I started a post with a familiar lyric from the song Big Yellow Taxi - "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got till it's gone." I'm feeling that again.

My sister is going away on placement and my parents have gone away to help her settle in. And being at home by myself has really shocked me as to how much my mother in particular does each day. Everyday when I come home, there is food cooked and clean washing waiting for me to put away. When I get up in the morning, the sink is mysteriously clear of the dirty dishes for the previous night. Somewhere in the midst of the hustle and bustle of four of us trying to leave the house each morning, the fish gets fed, the dog gets fed, the washing is put on, the rubbish is emptied... At the moment, I have to do it all myself, and it's really opened up my eyes to how much work running a house can be - and there aren't even any other people there to feed at the moment!

Apart from the fact that I rarely thank my mother, or indeed, either of my parents for the work they do, it's made me realise how ungrateful I can be. Mum spends putting the washing on, hanging it up, taking it down, folding it, ironing the things that require it... and then I'm too lazy to hang it up or put it in the right drawer, so it gets tossed onto the end of the bed, where it will almost certainly fall onto the floor. What appreciation that shows for my mother's labour!

I think it's time to clean up my act, as well as cleaning up my room :)

What's Your Passion?

2009-07-15T22:07:00.003+10:00

I was chatting to a friend earlier today, and somehow (I don't even remember how) we got onto the topic of my love for dancing. I learned dancing (ballet and jazz) for many years, and I absolutely love being able to move to music.

I wish I could explain better what dancing means to me. How, when I dance, it's like everything - my body, my heart and my soul - are all moving together, in an expression of all that is in me - my dreams, my tears, my hopes and my desires. I get this feeling of joy and freedom and hope that just rushes through me. I can't explain it or understand it. But I know I passionately love dancing.

But I know dancing isn't for everyone. Some people (Nica... Andy...) believe they're too unco-ordinated, or just don't enjoy it. But everyone has some activity they are passionate about. For me, it is dance; for someone else, it may be running around a soccer field and scoring that winning goal. It might be taking beautiful photos, sewing a new dress, making a great meal. Whatever it is, I hope you find your passion. Cause no-one should miss out on the feeling that it brings.

Book Selection

2009-06-26T22:44:00.002+10:00

(My apologies this is very short and a bit random, and has rant-ish tinges to it, but I've just finished exams, and I felt the need to write something without really thinking what I wrote.)

I have two rules in regards to books that I want to read or buy. If the book is worthy of being read it will:

Not have the author's picture on the cover. I never trust books that have the author's picture on the cover... somehow, no matter how great that person is, I always feel like they are trying to sell me their image rather than their thoughts. I'm paying for your words, not a picture of your shiny orthodontically perfected teeth!
Not have the author's name written in larger letters than the book title is. Unless you're Charles Dickens or Jane Austen and your books have been so popular for a 100 years or so, and you've earned the right to have your name big, keep your name small. Again, I'm interested in the topic of the book or its story, not who it's written by. Just cause you're a great 'brand name' (ahem... Tom Clancy, Nora Roberts etc.) doesn't make every book you write interesting or good.

Now I shall get back off my soap box and let the rest of you resume whatever more interesting things you were doing before.

As It Comes...

2009-06-21T11:24:00.003+10:00

I woke up this morning feeling inexplicable joyful.

It may have had something to do with the fact that I had 10 hours sleep, that I dreamed of old friends, that last night I finally was granted the courage to start a new journal. But whatever it is, I'm taking it as it comes and revelling in it.

I've had some pretty 'down' moments over the last few months. But in the midst of one of them, I was reading John 16 and I came across this verse:

22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will
rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

It's definitely a promise that I'm going to be holding onto. I know that the way life is means we will face both sadness and joy and I will take them both in turn. But I will continue to look to the day when all my sadness is gone and I will have a joy that cannot be taken away.

Habit-forming

2009-06-15T22:14:00.003+10:00

"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got til it's
gone..." (Big Yellow Taxi)

I've realised over the past couple of days what a creature of habit I am. But a bit of background first... A few days ago, I had my backpack stolen. In it, I had all the things a young woman who is a student normally carries around - purse, phone, USB stick, keys, diary - as well as my journal for reflecting on the time I spend with God and my Bible. Not to mention all my "little necessities" - lipstick, favourite pen, encouragement note from my bestie...

And it struck me today - not having all those things - how much I rely on "my things" to get through my day. I'm trying to study at the moment, and it was disconcerting - even distracting - trying to use borrowed pens. I let my lips bleed with the cold rather than put on a lip gloss that is not the one I like. But worst of all, I sit down to do my quiet time, with another Bible and without my journal, and my mind wanders and frets, because it's no longer my routine. And I wonder, when did I come to this?

I have a skill to re-learn, the art of just spending time with God. Not saying anything, not figuring anything out, but just being with God, dwelling in His presence. Letting Him be the balm to the cracks in my soul. Listening to what He wants to tell me.

It's going to be a worthwhile lesson.

Simplicity

2009-06-02T17:34:00.002+10:00

I wish my life was much simpler than it is.

I wish I could amuse myself for a whole day without having to go on Facebook or YouTube or even Blogger.
I wish I wasn't contactable 24 hours a day on a little phone that fits within my palm, yet I feel naked without.
I wish I would read books instead of webpages, curling up in an armchair or my bed instead of a swivel chair.
I wish I would spend more time playing my own music instead of blasting it into my ears out of a little stick with a weird yet catchy name.
I wish I didn't use a headset and a webcam to talk to my best friends, whether they live on the other side of the city, or the other side of the world.

I wish my life was unwired, un-networked, uncomplicated.

Free.

In my backyard

2009-05-24T15:51:00.003+10:00

When I think of hatred and violence, I tend to think of something far away... you know, it's in that country or in that part of the city... The people near me are good people, right? On Friday morning, I was witness to a very confronting incident on the bus really challenge my underlying attitude of "not in my backyard". I was catching the bus on the way to uni, when a youngish man boarded with a radio blaring from his backpack [This is actually illegal on public transport here; music is supposed to audible only to the person listening to it - i.e. used with headphones]. One of the other passengers requested that he turn it down, and was met with a barrage of insults, swearing and threats of violence, even after the bus driver's warning, that I was scared for the safety of the man who complained and for the other passengers around. It was such a small thing, and it unleashed such a lot of hate. Being me, I wrote a poem about it...

Bus is quiet
People silent
New passenger disturbs our rest
Loud music blares
Everyone stares
Til someone decides to protest
He swears and shouts
About to strike out
Bus driver issues a warning
Hearing death threats
What will come next?
Will there be blood spilt this morning?
I want to hide
Crying inside
Wishing it were all just a jest
There's so much hate
Love seems too late
For this morning bus ride in the West.

A Poetic Turn

2009-05-20T22:20:00.003+10:00

This started off as something entirely different... it was originally a poem of thanks to a friend, but somehow became something else entirely. I'm not sure about a couple of the lines... but I needed to 'publish' it or I will keep using up time when I should be doing assignments tweaking it.

"Of Grace"

Out of the darkness you heard my cries
Fought a path through the forest of lies
Called me beloved and opened my eyes
To grace

You whispered of a Way and a Light
To lead my heart from its starless night
Having tasted it, my soul will fight
For grace

Unashamedly my soul now sings
For God has given this fledgling wings
My spirit soars free as each dawn brings
His grace

KJGH, May 2009

Chasing Sunsets

2009-05-14T15:02:00.002+10:00

I catch the train home from uni most nights - around a 30-35 minute ride - in the late afternoon, which at the moment (as we're approaching winter here in the Southern Hemisphere) is around the time the sun is setting, and my train travels directly west, following the disappearing sun.

I was sitting on the train a couple of days ago, when I happened to look up from my book and realize that out the window behind me was an incredibly amazing sunset -an incredible red-orange sun illuminating pink clouds and sending off those visible beams of sparkly golden light. It was beautiful and the sight of it lifted away all the clouds of emotional worry that had been ruling my day up until then.

I turned back from the window to see if anyone else in the carriage had caught the same taste of glorious joy from the image of it that I had, but no. They all still had their heads buried in books, magazines, the newspaper, the PSP, the iPod. And I really thought at that moment... this is what our society is. We're so busy chasing after happiness from anywhere that promises it, that we miss the simple moments of true joy, in merely being a witness to God's magnificent creation.

Bearing Witness

2009-05-10T17:40:00.002+10:00

I often hear people toss around the idea that we don't need to go out and evangelise, because we are supposed to be witnesses in the way we live our lives. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't really think the beauty and glory of the gospel shines through the way I live my life, and I know in some instances my life is more likely to drive people away....

I saw this happen today at work, and it made me so sad....

A customer came in, wanting an item in an unusual quantity, which we were unable to produce. We apologised and offered her some alternative options, to which her response was "You people are hopeless. Why can't you just give me what I asked for? Every other place has managed to." The assistant serving her, myself and the pharmacist were a little taken aback at the rudeness.

Then the woman continues to talk at the assistant as she fixes up her purchases, and the customer says "When I was at church this morning..." After the customer had left, the pharmacist turns to the other assistant and myself and says "Wonderful Christian spirit there, eh?"

Paul says we are Christ's ambassadors to the world. We are sent with the message of the gospel, representing God. But does our behaviour, particularly to those who are serving us, reflect the true spirit of Christ? Are we holding up the reputation of Christ or bringing it into disrepute? Just some food for thought, that made me think about my own behaviour and speech.

Don't Want To...

2009-05-06T22:14:00.003+10:00

WASTE MY LIFE.

I've just finished reading John Piper's book "Don't Waste Your Life", and it has been echoing a lot of the things I have been learning from other areas - my own Bible reading, church and even some conversations with friends.

I don't have a specific path that I know I am being called to as yet. But I think one of the things God has been telling me over and over at this stage of my life and education is not to get fixed on one job or area as 'the one'. Be open to being used by him in ways that will surprise even you. Because ultimately, it isn't so much what you do that matters - it's why you are doing it and who you are serving by it. And though it seems hard to grasp, I am going to have infinitely more joy if I invest my life in serving God and serving others, than in following anything for me-centric reasons.

Wherever I go, whatever I do, all I know is I want to be reflecting Christ, being content in Christ, bringing glory to Christ and loving Christ above all else. That will not be a wasted life.

Mind Games

2009-04-29T19:32:00.004+10:00

It only struck me this weekend, how much what is going on in our head impacts our emotional and spiritual reality. In addition to trying to focus on being away on a camp and getting to know new people, encourage them and lead well, I had other scholastic and family stuff going on in the background, not to mention my turbulent relationship with God. And amongst all this stuff, my mind began to cave in under the pressure....

I'm probably going to talk about this a lot of the next little while, because it's an area I need to do a lot of exploring in myself.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

One of the problems with what goes on in our heads is just that - that it is all inside your head. And by that I do not mean you are making it up. That is not what I mean at all. What I'm talking about is that we often don't talk about the deep things that we are churning over in our minds. We bottle them up inside, feeding on the stress they produce and making ourselves sick emotionally and spiritually.

Talk to someone. Most importantly, talk to God - pray. I wasn't doing this - falling into the trap of assuming my problems were mine to deal and God was too busy, too good, too anything that would give me a reason to horde my problems up inside and try to fight my own battles. This is crazy!!! Not only does God ask up to hand over what's stressing us out to him, but he tells us why he does - not prove he's better or he wants something done in return but because he loves us. He loves you. And God is a lot bigger than you, so he will handle it. The solution may not be what you want or expect, but it will be the best in the long run if you persevere.

Also, talk to other people. Give them a chance to pray for you and to speak wisdom into your life. Or even to just be there for you. When I was falling to pieces, one of the Christian men I am friends with just came and sat with me. He didn't ask me much, and he didn't say a huge amount, he was just there. And that often silent companionship meant a lot more to me than having advice thrown at me, or being asked to dissect my feelings and thoughts. Talking can also be good though. In the aftermath, I spent a long time with my best friend just confessing all the things that were on my heart and mind, that I hadn't been sharing. And she gave me some useful insights from her own experience in what God has been teaching her. You don't need to share everything, but please find someone you trust, someone who will pray for you and let them know as much as you feel comfortable sharing. Believe me, it helps.

Get the problems out there people, cause the more you keep them inside, the more they fester and consume you. Don't do what I did and try and be happy and smiling when you're crying inside. The "stained glass masquerade" (if you don't know what I mean by that, go check out Casting Crowns - they're awesome) never helps anyone; not us, not our friends and family and not those around us, trying to find out who Jesus is and what being a Christian is all about.

Taking Control: A Metaphor

2009-04-23T22:11:00.003+10:00

Just an - an interesting metaphor - that I saw yesterday and really spoke to me. I was walking past the little park on the way to Redfern and there were two dogs playing there - one a little puppy, the other much bigger. The bigger dog had a stick in his mouth and was standing still holding on to it, while the little one was jumping up, trying to grab the stick and pull it from the other dog. But no matter how hard the little one pulled and jumped, he could not make the bigger dog release the stick. All he was doing was knocking the stick around. And it just reminded me of God and us...

God has made us - created us - and he's in control of the whole universe and our lives. We can't change that, just like the little dog can't make the big dog release the stick, because we are not God. We don't have his power or his wisdom or anything else for that matter. But like the little dog, we want control - not of a stick, but of our lives. But our attempts to grab control of our lives and pull it away from God (what the Bible calls sin) are not only fruitless, but also serve to knock us about. I'm sure you've felt the effects of sin damaging your life.

So what's the alternative? Knowing Christ died to bring us into relationship with God again, we can sit back and rest in the safety that our lives are in the best hands possible. Learn to trust him with your life - your whole life. This is where I so often fall down. I'm happy to trust God with little bits of my life, but not the whole thing...

Then instead of fighting over the stick, through the peace-making death of Jesus, we can again have relationship with God and can have an awesome time being joyful about that!

Cross Dressing

2009-04-20T22:02:00.003+10:00

This is taken from a sermon at my church recently, that I wanted to share with you. A few of the thoughts are my own, but most of them are from one of our awesome pastors, Mike Everett, who preached the sermon. The passage was Ephesians 4:17-32.

Because of the new life we have in Christ, we don't want to keep walking as the world walks. And this extends to the way we 'dress' ourselves - the attitudes and behaviours we put on each day. Being new creations in Christ, we should be 'dressing' in a way that reflects the cross (hence the title :P).

But the old clothes- the sinful habits - are very comfy, and everyone else around is 'wearing' them, and so we start to blend in, no longer reflecting the hope within us - our calling to Christ. It's a daily battle to choose to put on the 'Jesus suit' - the decision to imitate Christ in thought, word and deed.

And how do we do it? By 'engaging you brain' and paying attention to the choices you are making and by filling your mind with the gospel. We have to practise at choosing God's way, persevere even when it's not what we want to do and pray, because we can only do it in his strength.

On Love

2009-04-13T12:53:00.003+10:00

I was talking to a friend on the phone today, who was not feeling great for various reasons. At the end of the conversation, she thanked me for listening and then said "Love you". And so I naturally responded "Love you too."

When I got off the phone, my sister immediately said "Who were you talking to?" I explained that I was talking to this particular friend. My sister then responded "Why did you say 'I love you'? I don't say that to my friends." I was a little lost for words, and I tried to explain it as best I could to her, but I don't think I did a great job, so after having a good think about it, here is my answer.

I said 'I love you' because it's true. I love my friends. I think the world has a painfully narrow definition of love - you either love people in your family (because they are your family) or you love your romantic partner. But somewhere in the middle, we've lost the love that we have for our friends, the one that seeks to serve them and want to best for them and let them know that we care. In Australia, we often refer to this as 'mateship', but I think that's just a euphemism for a society too scared to admit what it really feels. It's love.

Jesus called us to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" and to "love your neighbour as yourself" (Matthew 22:37, 39). Now, I don't know about how you feel about yourself, but I usually want good things to come to me, and therefore if I'm going to obey God, this means wanting good for my friends - loving my friends. And if we can't love our friends, then how are we ever going to meet Jesus' challenge to love our enemies?

Whether you say it or not is up to you. I can only remember how, particularly when I am feeling down, it feels so special to know that someone loves you, not because they have to, but because they are your friend.

Inhibitions

2009-04-08T20:57:00.004+10:00

Over the past 5 weeks, I have been doing an unpaid internship one morning a week at a local hospital. While this has been very exciting and I am sad that my stint there has come to an end, there's one thing I will miss more - the wait for the train afterward.

Let me give you some background. The hospital is close to a little station called Denistone, so small it is just two platforms and an unmanned office. I finish placement right in the middle of the day, so when I get to the station, it has always been completely deserted. So... you're sitting on a deserted train platform for 20 minutes with nothing to do. What do you do?

If you're anywhere near as crazy as me, you take this opportunity to sing whatever you want, as loud as want, because you can and no-one can hear you. I'm not a fantastic singer, so singing by myself in public is not something I would do by choice. But when I'm alone... it's so liberating to just be able to lift your voice to sing whatever you want, without anyone judging you, without your inhibitions of what others' might think weighing you down. For 20 minutes, it was freedom.

I'm going to miss Denistone Station.

Satisfactorily Single

2009-04-04T19:11:00.004+11:00

I just realised that my last post was also about satisfaction. But I'm looking at a different area this time - relationships, rather than time.

Emily at Unfurling Flower did a post a day or two ago about why she was happy to be single. I thought I might add my two cents worth on this topic, because I really felt the truth of it that night. I was in the car with my younger sister, who is heading towards her first ever dating relationship, and she brought up my current romantic prospects.

At the moment, I'm not interested in any of the guys around me (sorry, boys :P) but more than that, I'm just not ready for a relationship. There's two key relationships I need to work on first, before I want to consider having a romantic relationship.

1. Relationship with God.
This is the most important relationship we are ever going to have, because it lasts for eternity. And even I (single as I am) know that if you don't have a firm basis in God, you're on shaky ground when it comes to weathering the storms of life. One thing that I'm continually amazed with about Jesus is that there is always more to be amazed at. I think C.S. Lewis captured it really well in the scene in Prince Caspian where Lucy meets Aslan again. She says to him "Aslan, you're bigger" and he replies "That's because you are." As we grow, normally the people around us seem to get smaller. But like Aslan, Jesus is the reverse of our expectations. The more mature we become as Christians, the more of Jesus we discover that astounds us and makes us fall deeper in love with him. And I guess that's the other part. Jesus has to be our first love, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I want my husband to love God more than he loves me, and for him to want me to put God above his own needs and wants. So relationship with God is critical.

2. Relationship with Self
This sounds a bit weird, but I think it is important. Being single is a great time to get to know yourself - who you are, your likes and dislikes, your talents and aspirations and dreams... One of my disciplers used to tell me how important it is to "be a good student of yourself" and I've come to see that. If you're not confident with who you are, what you can do and what you want in life, then how can you share yourself and a future with someone else?

I certainly haven't got all the answers to all these things yet, but I don't think I ever will... I'm not saying you need to have all the answers before you get married; just that you need to have enough of them to know with confidence who you are and more importantly who you are in Christ. But in the meantime, I'm having a lot of fun spending my singleness learning.

Satisfaction

2009-03-28T12:21:00.002+11:00

Today is the first day since the 23rd February when I have not had a commitment at uni, work or some appointment to attend to. It feels so good to be at home.

Though I'm probably going to be on the computer for most of the day, trying to make an impact on the mountains of work that have built up over the last couple of weeks, I'm really happy. I've already got one thing done, and now I'm getting on to the second (out of six things I want to get finished today...) I know it must seem like I'm procrastinating by writing to you all about this, but really I'm not.... I'm waiting for all of my printing to come through.

But yeah, to make a point to all this.... Be grateful for the time you are given. Make good use of it. There's definitely a time for everything, so try and make the most of it! Sometimes this does mean just chilling - taking time for yourself, watching some TV or listening to music. But not when it is at the expense of more important things, like the time you spend with God, or your commitments to work or study.

Way to go, Sydney!

2009-03-21T19:23:00.003+11:00

This week The Resurgence - one of the ministries of Mark Driscoll and co. from Mars Hill Church in Seattle - published the stats on who uses their site, which focuses on equipping people for ministry in reaching their cities, in a culturally relevant AND Biblically faithful way. And guess what? Sydney-siders were the second biggest users of the site, topped only by Seattle - the home of Mars Hill Church. We came in ahead of London (double the population) and New York (five times the population)! Not that statistics are the most important thing, but this is really encouraging to me...

Around 10 months ago, Mark Driscoll came to Australia and gave a talk called "Burn Your Plastic Jesus". Amongst all the great stuff he said, there was one comment that really stuck with me. Mark was complimenting Sydney on its beautiful harbour and parklands, and he said something along the lines of "But you know, this is the problem. You guys know you have it so good, and you think, this is Heaven, this is all there is." (I think he phrased it much better than that but that was the general idea.) And that really struck a nerve, because it is so true! Sydney (and Australia in general for that matter - I'm a Melbourne girl by birth) is a really great place to live - as much as we complain about it, we do have great health care, education, food and so on, and a beautiful country to boot. And we think, it can't get any better than this. But it can, cause none of it means anything unless God is in the centre of the picture.

And though Mark was mostly talking about non-Christians, I think Christians can be equally guilty of this: "Oh, we have a great country, we have free of religion and the right to meet as a church free from persecution." But that's not what God calls us to, to just happily meet together and 'do church' and that's it. We are commissioned to go out and reach our cities and ultimately the world. And seeing the number of Sydney-siders (over 15,000!) visiting a site like The Resurgence last year gives me hope that as a Christian community, we are catching on to that vision, to reach our whole city and beyond.

You're the God of this city, you're the King of this people, you're
the Lord of this nation, you are - Chris
Tomlin

A Conversation of Value

2009-03-16T20:38:00.000+11:00

Do you ever get that feeling that you’re special, just because someone took the time to be interested in you? I had that feeling recently.

One afternoon I accidentally got on an all stops train instead of my normal express. Concerned I was going to miss my bus connection, I decided to get off at the next station and change onto the express, which would come through a couple of minutes later. Waiting on the platform at the next station was a lady holding a purple flower. We made eye contact and smiled politely at each other, as you do at bus stops and train stations, then I wandered over to check the timetable, only to find both the express and all stops train reached my destination at exactly the same time. Go figure.

So the express arrived and I boarded and the lady with the flower got on behind me. We stood next to each other holding on to one of the poles. She began to twirl the flower around, and I started watching, which she noticed. And so she started talking to me.

I don’t usually have random conversations on trains; I usually get quite freaked out. But when this lady casually enquired if I had come from work or from uni, I found I was happy to tell her about my day and enquired about what she occupied herself with. We didn’t exchange any personal information – as you may be able to tell, I don’t even know her name. But I can tell you that talking to her really turned my day around. I was able to share with her my opinion on various health care issues, and to listen to her experiences and difficulties with the health care system. It made me feel valued, and I hope she felt that way too. And I hope I can pay the favour forward one day, in making someone else feel heard, even if it is by a complete stranger whose name you don’t even know.

A Proverbs 31 woman...

2009-03-10T19:51:00.008+11:00

I've been following a devotional which looks at the woman described in verses 10-31 of Proverbs 31 and I wanted to summarise them here, to help me remember what I've learned.

The only image of womanhood that we want to be aiming for is the one presented in the Bible, not the one found in magazines or movies.
We are all, as Christian women, on the road to being like this woman. It's the Pantene Principle (It won't happen overnight, but it will happen). And we can't do it on our own - we need God and the Spirit to make us grow.
We are going to fail, but we have to keep pressing on. A godly woman is strong in charcter - she knows who she is - a child of God through Christ - and what she is living for.
Godly women make great wives! Seriously! What guy wouldn't want to marry a girl who is working toward being a woman who is trustworthy, faithful, encouraging and who serves and builds her husband up?
Women do a lot of work, whether they stay at home or not! They have a major role in ministering to the needs of their home.
A godly woman goes about her work with joy. Yes, even when she's vacuuming or scrubbing. Why? Becuase this is an expression of love for the others who share our life, and ultimately our love for God.
Watch what you say, especially to those closest to you!
Keep watch over your home, whether you live with family or flatmates. Look out for those in your home spiritually and emotionally, as well as looking after your home itself! (Yes, I did just write that... now my parents can officially come after me for the state of my room!)
Make time for the important stuff, like praying for your family and friends and serving their needs, but cutting out the not-so-important stuff, like hours on Facebook or chatting.
Nothing will change unless we depend of God's strength, that we can lay down our lives that we may gain them.

Always and Forever

2009-03-09T20:45:00.001+11:00

It’s funny. Eternity is such a ridiculously long time that I think we almost try and avoid thinking about it. But a little while ago I was thinking about it. I was writing a birthday card.

I always used to sign birthday cards “with love today and always”. And then I stopped, because I started thinking, ‘It’s pretty ridiculous for me to be promising that I will love someone forever’, when I was only 15 years old. I mean, you’re not even friends with the same people from year to year, let along loving them that long.

But writing this card got me thinking about it. If my friend and I are going to see each other again in Heaven, then I can honestly say “I will love you forever”. And the best part is, the majority of those years are not going to be my human waxing and waning love, but the full and complete love found only in perfect relationship with God. It gives great confidence, that even if your paths lead you down totally separate roads, that friendships built on the foundation of the gospel will last the test of time, because it is a love that continues into eternity.

It’s a good day.

2009-03-02T21:59:00.001+11:00

[I wrote this over a week ago now, but it's still true...]

As humans, we can be incredibly fickle. Or at least I can… I shouldn’t really speak on behalf of the entire human populace. But I’m fairly certain I’m not the only one.

I just had an amazing day. I was invited by my campus Christian group to go to another uni campus in my city to help out with their Orientation Week, as it is one of the biggest weeks for evangelism in uni ministry all year. And we saw God do amazing things! Almost one in four students we approached wanted to be followed up either to learn more about Christianity or to join a Bible study group. I even got a contact of a girl from my own uni, who was just checking out the festivities with her friends from the other uni. God was so good to us, and really used the team of students powerfully.

And then when I got home, I found my uni had made a paper work error and not given me my travel concession for the year – without which I cannot afford to travel to uni each day. All the jubilation I felt about what I had seen God do earlier went out the window, and was quickly replaced by irritation and discontent.

And that is what I wonder about? Why do I fall into unhappiness so easily? Is the God who made our outreach such a success also God over the admin at my uni? Can He not use this for good and for His renown? Not doubting God when things don’t turn out my way will be a challenge I think, but one that must be faced.

Overdoing It

2009-02-27T15:43:00.002+11:00

Do you ever think sometimes you push yourself a little past your own limits?

I do it all the time, and I cant seem to figure out how to make myself stop.

This week has been a huge week - universities here are about to start back, which means it's Orientation Week at many campuses. For a few days, the uni takes on the carnival type atmosphere as students explore all the clubs they could join. It's an awesome time for evangelism, because everyone is really open to talking about what they believe.

But when you take an already exhausted girl, put her in the sun for two days, and then feed her junk food... you get one very sick human being. After 4 days of being a whirlwind activity, I leaped at the chance to go out for dinner with a close friend as a way to chill out. However, I made a mistake... Instead of actually thinking, "can my body handle this?", I just plunged headlong into it, and filled myself with more junk food. Predictably, my body didn't like it, and what should have been a fun night out to catch up ended with me being sick into a garbage bin outside the shopping centre. Tres elegante, n'est pas? I am very thankful for my friend for how well he looked after me, particularly when I didn't deserve it at all.

But my misadventure should be a powerful lesson to me. Not only did I end up miserable for embarrassing myself so badly in front of my friend, but I was too sick to go back to help with the outreach the next day... my last opportunity to help with O-Week mission ever, as this is my final year at uni. I need to learn to slow down, and do what I can handle. Don't push yourself beyond your limits, for your own sake or to please others. It isn't the road to happiness.

Waiting for the World to Fall

2009-02-15T22:35:00.004+11:00

I feel like I am trapped in a period of waiting - the calm before the storm. There is so much about to happen in my life, and there's only so much I can do to prepare for it. I am waiting for:

my best friend to come home for overseas. I miss her incredibly, and if it wasn't ridiculously expensive, I would be on the phone right now telling her that. There is a lot going on at the moment, and it will be strange not to have her there beside me.
university classes to resume. We are all get used to patterns and rules and working within them. I have had a whole summer of freedom, and soon I will be back to the routine of classes. Part of me is glad to be returning to the familiar comfort of routine, knowing what each day will hold, while another part mourns losing the chance to do what I like, whenever I like.
campus ministry to start up. I am planning to be very involved in the Christian movement at my campus this year and I can't wait to see how God draws new students in and uses the students currently involved to spread the gospel on campus.
my graduation. I know this is a long way off, but I am very much aware that this is my last year of tertiary studies. I'm not sure what direction God has planned for me once I graduate, but I am excited to find out.

Waiting is such a strange feeling. It's mixture of nervousness and excitement and sometimes a touch of fear. But waiting can be difficult. A couple of weeks ago, my friends and I had a five hour wait at the airport for our flight home. But we got so caught up in distracting ourselves from the long wait, we almost missed our flight, even though we'd been sitting in the airport for 5 hours!

Waiting is hard, but there's also a purpose in it. It might be that more preparation is needed or you're just not ready. But there is a season for everything, and that includes waiting.

Sadness in the Air

2009-02-10T21:16:00.002+11:00

It feels at the moments like there is sadness drifting through the air like mist, clouding vision and choking life and laughter.

Many people have lost their lives to fires that are ravaging parts of my country. Hundreds of properties have been destroyed. There is a great public sadness, some of which is personal to me as the homes of friends and family are threatened.

There is also more private sadness. My closest friend has lost a loved one, and I cannot help but mourn as she mourns. As with my sister, I cannot see her cry without crying myself. And her sadness is understandable, for her relative lived far away, and it has been a long time between visits, and now it seems too late.

Here on Earth, we suffer. We suffer because this world is out of kilter - it has sin. And because it has sin, it has death. But in the very heart of it all, there is hope. Hope that rolled away the stone on the third day and defeated death once and for all time.

Growing Pains

2009-01-30T22:37:00.004+11:00

"And all too soon, the clock will strike midnight, and she'll be gone."
Cinderella, Steven Curtis Chapman

It seems strange to think that I'm growing up. It kind of crept up on me this summer as I watched one friend get married, had another friend have a baby and started jetsetting around the country having adventures of my own. I don't think there has been a consecutive 7 days where I've slept every night in my own bed. I think this saddens my parents, as they see me beginning to disappear from their daily life and form a separate life for myself.

I feel like the old me is sort of slipping away. Sure, I'm still the vaguely hysterical, giggling girl who talks for hours on the phone to her best friend when given the chance and loves mucking around in the pool/at the beach/in the river with her mates, and will spontaneously break into song and dance at moments when it's least expected. But at the same time, I am becoming someone who has a vision for a campus ministry, who makes planning decisions and who attends meetings and conferences. It's a strange dichotomy, and all tangled up with it are the changes Christ is making in me, growing me in the fruits of the Spirit and peeling away the layers of self. You occasionally catch a glimpse of the Spirit at work, like a flickering in your peripheral vision, when you face a difficult situation and react differently to how you would have in the past.

Seeing these changes in myself is strange, and in a way it frightens me, when I myself am the unfamiliar environment. It makes me want to run back to the familiar - my old life - and hide there until everything goes back to 'normal'. The constant tug of war between this and the desire to 'press on toward the goal' causes what I call "growing pains".

Unfallen Tears

2009-01-24T13:10:00.003+11:00

I had the fantastic opportunity last night to see Casting Crowns live in concert in Brisbane. This has been their first trip to Australia, and their concert was awesome! If you are ever offered the chance to see them, even if you're not familiar with their music, I would highly recommend you go see them.

I love their music, although sometimes I think I become over-familiar with it, and it becomes less meaningful - just a beautiful collection of notes and rhyming phrases strung together. But last night I was really struck by the lyrics of "Does Anybody Hear Her?" Mark Hall was talking about the girl who inspired the story - a girl, only high school age, who came along to his youth group, only to be turned away by the judgemental attitudes of some of the Christians.

Part of it made me sad, thinking of not dissimilar moments in my own life, where I have struggled with throwing my self after the wrong things and with hypocrisy in the church. It made me want to cry, but I could not. The tears would not fall, because even as the sadness grew, so did the hope of the knowledge that my fate was not to keep wandering. God found me, and he drew me into a family of believers who accepted me just as I am, and even better, he accepted me into His family. Stains and all.

So if you are still wandering, keep seeking. Even if you've had bad experiences with the church before, keep trying. God is much bigger and much better than the church could even be. The church is just a imperfect pointer to a perfect God, who loves you.

It was the book's fault, I swear!

2009-01-21T19:22:00.004+11:00

Do you think its possible that a work of fiction can take over your mind and heart?

I do.

I know it sounds foolish, but I have just finished reading the (huge) latest installment in one of my favourite fantasy series, The Obernewtyn Chronicles, and in some ways, I found myself struggling to escape the book. Not just in a "I couldn't put it down" kind of way. I mean, when I did put it down, for the necessary tasks of eating, sleeping and spending time with family and friends, it was still there, within my mind. If you think I sound insane, stop reading now.

Sometimes, you just connect with the story's narrator, so that you aren't just listening to the story, you become a part of them. You start asking "Where will I be taken next? What is happening to my friends?" And when you are forced to stop reading for a little while, you are still partially that person. Their expressions creep into your speech and you start to have thoughts that reflect their 'point of view' of a situation, more than your own. And then finally you finish the book, and the spell is broken.

The written word is a powerful tool. As a reader and sometimes writer, I know this quite well. But it always shocks me, the hold some books can have on my mind and even my heart - for my emotions tend to follow my thoughts closely. So be careful what you read!

5 Daily Essentials

2009-01-14T21:40:00.003+11:00

I was away interstate last night visiting extended family - just overnight, and so only took an overnight bag with PJs, toothbrush, hairbrush and my essential books. But it made me realise how there are certain parts of my day that are 'essentials' of my day, and that I miss when my routine is disturbed. In no particular order:-

Quiet Time. It's often not as well done as I would like it to be, but if I don't read something from the Bible, and spend some time talking to God, I really feel like there is something missing.
Journaling. I've kept a journal for over 3 years now, and it's become invaluable, as a means of reflecting on joys and challenges, of recording significant moments and of seeing how much I've grown.
Tea. I love tea. Contrary to the opinion of most uni students, I think it is far superior to coffee. I usually have 4 cups a day, of varying flavours.
Music. Barely a day goes past when I don't listen to music in some form. Whether it's the CD that comes on as my alarm in the mornings, my mp3 player on the train or my computer as I catch up with emails, Facebook and the blogsphere, music really helps to lift my mood - and depending what I listen to - often recentre me on what's important.
Alone Time. While I love people, my friends and my family, I am one of those people who needs to spend at least a few minutes of the day alone to sort out my thoughts and emotions, or I end up as an emotional screwball.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot...

2008-12-31T18:39:00.002+11:00

I can't believe that it has come around to New Year's Eve again. It seems only yesterday that I was sitting around with friends, hearing Auld Lang Syne being played and watching the fireworks from Sydney Harbour rain down from the Bridge. It has been such a big year of growth for me.

Yesterday someone asked me if I had made any New Year's resolutions yet. Normally I think these are silly, that they are just things that people say but never carry through with. But it got me thinking... why do I need to resolve to do something like exercise more or eat better, something I am never going to do? What if I resolved to do something that actually meant something to me, like commit to pray regularly for my family?

I haven't decided what my actual resolutions will be yet - I have until midnight to work it out. But hopefully whatever it is, I will be able to keep them!

The Christmas Sessions: Part 2

2008-12-26T23:30:00.003+11:00

I was planning to post yesterday, continuing my series on Christmas carol thoughts, but I had a rather emotionally straining Christmas Day, and so I'm going to take this chance to reflect on that instead.

Yesterday was Christmas Day. It's usually considered one of the happiest days of the year, a time for family. Yesterday, I hurt someone I love deeply so much I made her cry, by my words and selfishness alone.

It seems hard to believe, but I think this has been one of the most special and meaningful Christmases of my life. Too often I forget how much it is I need that baby from Bethlehem, who would grow to be the Saviour. I tolerate a life of sin when I can't see it hurting anyone or hurting me. But when I manage to make someone as dear to me as my sister hurt so much in what should have been a joyful time, even I know there is something wrong. Because we can't do it alone. No matter how good we think we are, it is impossible to be sinless. I need Jesus and I saw and felt that more keenly today than I ever have before.

The Christmas Sessions: Part 1

2008-12-23T23:40:00.003+11:00

Yes, the title is stolen from MercyMe's Christmas album. I chose it because I wanted to reflect a little on a couple of my favourite Christmas carols. Often, we hear carols so often they become background music to us. But they're so much more than that - they are beautiful hymns about one of the most spectacular events this world has ever seen, the night God himself came down to become human and to live amongst us.

O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant... As Christians, because of our faith in the grace of God, we can be both joyful and triumphant. Joyful, because of all that Christ has done for us to bring us home. And triumphant, not because of anything we've done, but because of the victory won for us by Christ, defeating sin. Isn't it amazing that no matter what sins dog us, we can have confidence that God has already won the war for us, and sin is no longer in control of us?

O come, let us adore Him... I know this is something I never spend enough time doing. Just loving, worshipping and adoring Jesus for who He is and what He did. Pray, sing, write, create, whatever... just try and spend some time this Christmas appreciating the child whose birth we celebrate and the Saviour he would be.

O come, all ye faithful,
Joyful and triumphant.
O come ye, o come ye,
To Bethlehem.
Come and behold Him,
Born the King of Angels.

O come, let us adore Him.
O come, let us adore Him.
O come, let us adore Him,
Christ the Lord.

All Over Again

2008-12-13T23:33:00.002+11:00

It's been three weeks now since my last post. It's amazing - for me time has just flown. Two weeks away on mission, then one week at home recovering from mission, and now here we are.

There are so many things I could like to share with you, that I learnt while I was away, but I'm going to save them for a while, to process them a bit better. One thing I will share is something that has come up since I have gotten back.

While I was in Lorne, I started reading through the book of Malachi. Chapter 1 focuses on the offering of sacrifices to God, and his anger at the Israelites for presenting him with imperfect sacrifices... and not just imperfect, but their off-casts - the animals they didn't want anymore!

In the same way, we need to ensure that we are offering God the best, not the leftovers. I know for me, this often means the sacrifice of my time. Time is very precious to me, as it is to many people in this world. If this doesn't make sense to you, come and try being a full-time student, having a part-time job, doing ministry on campus and being a daughter, sister and friend as well. And I know there are many out there who would say I have it easy! But what I am trying to say is that with all these things going on, I often leave God only the dregs of my time. Whatever is leftover at the end of the day, when I am too tired to study and too grumpy to socialise. Is that what I think God deserves? Me at my worst, when I'm half-asleep and irritable?! Surely I could offer him something better?

Strangely, this isn't the point of my post today.

This isn't the first time I've looked at Malachi 1 and written these things in my journal. I studied the same thing over a year ago and came to the same conclusions, which I read last night when I was flicking through last year's journal. There are going to be lessons that are going to come up again and again in your life, just as the way I use my time to honour God has come up again in mine. Maybe I'll take a bit more away from it this time, and it won't come up again for another few years. Or maybe I'll be looking at the same thing again in six months or a year. Some things are going to take a whole lifetime to conquer. But I'm okay with that, because I know Jesus will be walking with me every step of the way.

And I say thank you...

2008-11-19T21:43:00.004+11:00

God provides.

For the last couple of weeks now, I have been preparing for a mission trip to a coastal town, where we minister to school leavers who are at the beach to party. Part of this preparation is raising the funds to go, by asking those around us to support our ministry. I don't know if anyone else has had to raise money before, but asking people for money is scary. Particularly if you're naturally fairly guarded with money, like me.

And as one does, when you're scared about something and you're busy with other things - like exam study and honours applications - you try and push these things back as long as possible. And then you realise that the longer you put them off, the worse it gets.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I finally worked (and prayed) up the courage to approach my church for money. I'm fairly new there, not known to many in the congregation, so I thought a few friends and acquaintances might give me something, but had no idea where the rest was going to come from. Kit of little faith! I turn up to church and am greeted by people who don't even know me, but have heard about the mission trip, and want to support me, and walk out of the church at the end of service, holding almost the full amount, with promises from a couple more who don't have cash on them to give me money later.

I got home and went to my room, and for the first 10 minutes, all I could do was fall on my knees and laugh and cry at the same time, with two words the only ones I could speak. Thank you.

An answer to prayer....

2008-11-13T10:28:00.003+11:00

You know those days were to quote my emo friend Avril "Nothing's going right/And everything's a mess"... I've been having one of those for the past couple of days.

I'm applying to add Honours to my degree, and the form is due tomorrow. In the stress of everything that is going on, I kept pushing back the fact that I needed to meet with my potential academic supervisor beforehand, to make sure I am a suitable candidate. So, with only four days to go, I email her, asking for a meeting, knowing that she is busy running exams... For two days I hear nothing and I begin to despair.

Meanwhile, I am currently trying to raise support for the short term mission trip I am about to embark on in just over a week. I still have almost $1000 to raise, and am getting only silence on all fronts.

And finally, last night, I do what I should have done in the first place. I pray. I apologise to God for trying to do it all myself, and I remember that if these things are in His will, He will see them done.

And so I sleep. And this morning, I receive two emails. One from the academic supervisor, telling me I can meet her tomorrow morning, and one from my church, telling me several people are willing to support me. Maybe not the full amount, but they will support me nonetheless.

PRAY.

Joy to the World

2008-11-07T20:41:00.005+11:00

Well, surprisingly, as I'm posting this, I'm not actually feeling very joyful - I had this all written up, and then managed to delete the whole thing! But I've heard that perseverance is pretty good too... so I'm giving that a try. But, for the second time tonight - my thoughts on joy.

I've been doing a short study on joy recently, in particular, the reasons we have joy as Christians. So I've come up with an acronym for it...

P - Purpose
H - Hope
i [Superfluous letter to make the acronym work]
L - Love

I am rather proud of this, because I can even make it relevant to the topic! PHiLippians is the 'book of joy' in the Bible - it's a major theme and Paul even uses the word for joy or rejoice 14 times, in a fairly short book. If you want to do some investigating of your own into anything to do with joy, it would be a great place to start.

So what does my little word play mean? It is the three reasons that Christ has given us joy... I'll explain more:

In Christ, we have a purpose. You know those age old questions, "Why are we here? What is the meaning of life?" [By the way, I don't think 42 really covers it...] We have those answers in God. Our purpose is to bring glory to God. "For everything was created by him and for him." (Col 1:16b) So no matter who you are, your purpose is to be doing it for Jesus, in whatever you do, and that should determine what you do and how you behaviour. And that is a huge joy for me, because it means that whatever decisions I have to face in the future, I know what the underlying goal is. That all the glory goes to God and Christ Jesus.
In Christ, we have hope for the future. As well as a God we can trust and rely upon during our time on Earth, we have a great future to look forward to if we believe in what Christ has done for us and put him as our Saviour King. We can have confidence in God's promise that we "will not perish, but have eternal life" (John 3:16) And I don't know about you, but to me the idea of spending the rest of eternity with God, worshipping him, in a place free from sin and suffering sounds like a pretty good reason to be joyful.
In Christ, we have seen the depths of God's love for us, through his actions in dying for us. I don't know about you, but every time I see the Jesus film or The Passion of the Christ, those images of how Christ died make me almost ill thinking about how much pain he must have endured on the cross, in addition to the agony being separated from God. The cross is one of the most painful methods of execution known to man - so painful, they invented the word 'excruciating' for it. [Seriously... look at the Latin roots. 'ex-' (from or out of) and 'crux' (cross)] And Jesus went though that FOR US. "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins" (1 John 4:10) That's how much the Creator of the Universe loves YOU. That's got to be something to be joyful about.

There are many other aspects of joy I haven't covered, but I know, especially when I'm feeling down, that it's important to remind myself of the reasons I have to be joyful - my "PHiL" of joy [Sorry, bad pun]. And you know the best things about these reasons? In Christ, they are eternal, unchanging promises. An assignment can give me purpose for an afternoon, I may have hopes for the New Year and anyone can love me for a day or even a lifetime. But the purpose, hope and love God is offering lasts forever. Now that's a reason to be joyful!

Listening Within

2008-10-27T20:06:00.003+11:00

The Holy Spirit and his role is never something discussed in school scripture or Sunday school, apart from a brief mention as the mysterious "third member of the trinity" - the gas, to God and Jesus' ice and water (if I may use the analogy used to explain the trinity to me at school). And what I heard from the media and discussion about Christianity confused me. What the heck was "being slain in the Spirit" (a question I still have today...) or what does it mean to be "led by the Spirit"?

So the Spirit remained this shadowy background presence that my little Anglican-brought up self wasn't sure she wanted anything to do with.

After I started going to bible study, I started hearing different things, about how the Spirit lives in all Christians. And there were these fruit of the Spirit, which everyone wants to have and we need to rely on the Spirit... "But what does it all mean? How does it work?" I wanted to ask.

It's been a long time coming, but I finally feel I am beginning to understand a bit about the Holy Spirit, and how He works. He is God dwelling in us, and because of that, He changes the way we perceive the world. I think in a sense the Holy Spirit is God-coloured glasses, that every Christian puts on - often without knowing it - when they sign up to follow Christ. And while we are still looking around for 'evidence' of the Spirit in our lives - healings, tongues, miracles - we miss the real evidence of the work of the Spirit. Those moments where the Spirit has allowed us to see glimpses of God and feel joy, to reach out in love where we would have held back, the recognition of sin and turning from it - these are the real evidence of the Spirit.

But what does that mean? To me, it means I need to listen more inside. I don't think the Spirit speaks in an audible voice, even inside, or in any words - or at least, He certainly hasn't for me. But I know that it is He who brings the changes are reshaping my mind and my heart, and when I am quiet and listening, He shows me these things, and what else needs to be done.

I know there is much more I have to learn about the Spirit and his role, and that there definitely are some flaws in my understanding at present, but I feel I've come a long way from the Holy Ghost lurking somewhere in the murky depths, that I knew of in the past. And before I go, I must acknowledge a book that has helped me to articulate a lot of what I have begun to experience - Reaching for the Invisible God, by Philip Yancey (in particular the chapters "The Go-Between" and "Out of Control").

An hour of my life...

2008-10-11T13:53:00.003+11:00

26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in
barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable
than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Jesus - Matthew 6:26-27

I will readily admit that I stress a lot. My natural instinct in a difficult situation is always to worry - to imagine what could go wrong and think the worst. I don't enjoy this experience, and neither do others around me. I hate it when I can't concentrate on what people are saying because I have all my worries running through my mind. I resent the fact that it makes me look unhappy and perpetually in a rush. But most of all, I dislike the fact that it just consumes so much of my time and my energy. It takes away from my whole life - sleeping, eating, studying, relaxing... everything is affected. It certainly doesn't add anything to my life - instead, it damages my normal existence.

In the lead up to an event that has been causing me a fair bit of stress and worry, I sat down with my mentor, and she tried to get me to talk through my worrying and what its like. I came up with this metaphor - not perfect, but gives you the basic idea of what I feel worrying is like.

For me, worry is like this enveloping cloud. Each little detail is another wisp of white, and as they gather all around you, they blind you to the bigger picture until you can't see what you're doing or where you're going. It's not until you step outside the cloud, that you see what which way the wind is blowing and whether your cloud is a storm cloud or a fluff ball. We need to step outside our worries and look at the bigger picture of what God is doing, and what his purpose is in this stressful time.

Facing Fears

2008-10-06T22:06:00.003+11:00

Yesterday at church, our speaker really confronted us with looking at our lives to examine what areas we lack faith in. He suggested areas like money or studies - that working copious hours at work or spending every moment studying is a lack of faith in God's provision. But what came to my mind is that often I fail to have faith in God's ability to overcome my fears.

I am naturally a fearful person. Ironically, last night, I watched a movie - Nim's Island - where one of the main characters is afraid of everything - germs, spiders, other people, her front door... And while I was able to laugh at Alex's silliness, and at her misadventures as she is forced to face her fears in order to help Nim, I saw a little bit of myself in her. I am afraid of so much. Now, I know the right kind of fear - a healthy respect for God's power - is essential, but the wrong kind of fear - my kind of fear - is a failure to trust God and his goodness, and that is sin.

Funnily enough, today, I got thrown in the deep end. My mother proposed we take a trip out of the city, to a rainforest about 2 hours away. Sounds lovely, yes? But then comes the tricky part. I am learning to drive at the moment, and honestly, it scares me to death. My mother wanted me to drive there, which meant winding country roads and two motorways. Then came the clincher. Since I was a little girl, I have had a phobia of heights. Winding staircases and those steel grid gangways send me into a sobbing mess. And suddenly we get to the rainforest, where Mum wants to go on a new rainforest canopy walk - an elevated walkway 20 metres off the forest floor, culminating in a 45m high tower - with an open to the air winding staircase to the top.

And I did them both.

I think God must be into practical lessons.

Protected

2008-10-01T17:00:00.005+10:00

Both these occurrences were a few weeks ago, but I remembered both of them this morning, and I finally saw them in a different light.

I was sitting in a lecture a while ago, and most of my friends were talking, while I was off day-dreaming (as normal). When they all burst out laughing, I returned to Earth and asked in my normal nosy fashion what they were talking about. One of the guys was about to relate the joke to me, when my friend stopped him. I looked at him in surprise, and he could obviously see that in my face. So he said very carefully, "You don't want to hear this joke", and I could tell from the expression on his face exactly what kind of joke it had been. This guy is a good friend, one of the few other Christians in my course, and I trust his judgement (most of the time) but at the time I felt quite... well, babied - as if I wasn't responsible enough to make my own call on what I should hear. And also a bit of "Well who are you to have a say in what I listen to? You're not my boyfriend or my family."

Then a couple of weeks later, a similar thing happened. I was walking through one of the buildings on campus, when the guys I was walking with (who is normally VERY talkative) stopped talking, and said, "Kit, I just want you to look at me, and not at the walls". Yet again, my face must have said it all, because he explained straight away. "There's some new 'art' up that you probably don't want to see." Again, at the time I obeyed, but more out of humouring my friend than out of believing he was right. In fact, I think my thought at the time was "Oh, it's probably just pictures of naked people. That wouldn't bother me; I've studied anatomy."

This morning brought a whole new light on these incidents. Instead of feeling patronised or resentful, I started to feel thankful for what these guys had done for me. In a world that seems to do everything it can to strip young people of their purity, these guys had put themselves out to protect MY purity. Not their own, but mine. They cared enough about a sister (who didn't care herself) to step in and hold her back from harm. And while I know these certainly weren't horrific dangers to my purity, what means something to me is that they cared. Think about, sisters - true brothers will want to protect your purity, even as the world tries to take it away.

I'm With You

2008-09-18T22:15:00.004+10:00

"Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? Won't somebody come take me home? Cause
it's a damn cold night, tryin' to figure out this life. Why won't you take me by
the hand, take me somewhere new. I don't know who you are, but I, I'm with you."
I'm With You, Avril Lavigne

I don't think the song has a lot to do with whats on my mind, but it was one of my favourite songs a few years ago, and so I thought it was worth a mention. What I have been hit with tonight - not literally, obviously and thankfully as I bruise easily - is the fact that Christ is ALWAYS with us.

He even says it, at the end of the Great Commission. On campus, we get very excited about the Creat Commission, and we refer to it a lot, and so I assume I know it, and my eyes begin to glaze over when I hear it again. But today I actually heard it, and I had a few thoughts.

I think we often ignore or forget the last part of it. "And surely I am with you aways, to the very ends of the age." It's hard, or at least for me. Know Jesus has authority -check. Go make disciples - check. Baptise and teach them - check. But believe that Jesus will always be there, walking beside you and carrying you through the tough times - that's a lot harder.

I have been given a new role in my ministry that is quite differnt from my last one, which was a an admin one. This new one is more a leadership role, and I still feel quite daunted about taking it on. But knowing that Jesus is walking with me each step of the way - that is is the truth I will have to learn to depend on. I need to learn, sort of like Avril, to be saying "I'm with you" to Jesus and trusting in God's faithfulness.

Being Pretty

2008-09-05T12:35:00.002+10:00

Bible study times are fun times, but also times when I learn the most. I was doing a study a couple of days ago with two other girls. We were looking at purity, which can be a fairly hectic topic for young people, when one of the girls managed to breaj the tension completely. We were looking at a verse in 1 Peter 3, when my friend suddenly announced, "I like this chapter. It teaches you how to be pretty." Both I and the other girl stared at her for a moment, before she amended "In God's eyes." At which point we all promptly burst out laughing, because she just sounded so cute saying it. Later, apart from appreciating the irony of the comment - as the girl who said is physically very beautiful and could probably get work as a model if she wanted it, her comment started me thinking.

Not so much what true beauty is, but rather how to obtain it. My friend used the word "teach", which isn't what society would normally associate with beauty, is it? In the world, you are either born beautiful (too late on that one... joking. I'm perfectly happy with how I look :) ) or you buy beauty (not on my wages...). So that brings us back to learning, and I would dare to add growing or developing, as ways beauty can be produced.

And how do we learn to have "a gentle and quiet spirit"? Peter gives us one source - by looking at the lives of the women of the Bible, and I would add, by emulating the faithful Christian women in our churches, friends and families. I know I learn best when something is modelled for me to follow. The other way I think we can learn beauty is the one I know I need to pay more attention too, and that is growing through my mistakes - looking back on when I have failed to demonstrate this and examining my attitude and motives in that situation.

I know being quiet adn gentle is counter-cultural in a society that is rewarding women for exposing themselves adn celebrates "bitching" as a freedom. Interesting, I think. Freedom in envy and anger? Give me serenity any day, thank you.

Tolerance, Passion and Facade

2008-09-01T21:21:00.002+10:00

This issue has been on my mind for a while, after a discussion with a friend at uni. It's about the way we worship as Christians. Now, I don't want to rehash the whole issue of how worship is a lifestyle and not just an event, which is one major problem I have (personally and culturally).

What I have been thinking about is a little less deep, and more to do with how we worship as a church body. I don't want to get into one of those debates that always seem to come up between denominations on what is acceptable and what is not. I am certainly not saying that the way my church does it is right and another is wrong. I definitely don't have the theological knowledge to make that kind of call. But my friend was saying she found her current church passionless in worship, compared to her previous church.

I want to prefix my thoughts on this topic by referring you to Romans 14. It's a passage Paul has written to the Roman church about food laws, and whether or not to follow them, but I think the same principle applies here. The underlying message is that on more trivial issues like what we eat or how we sing, we shouldn't judge others unnecessarily, but let them do what they require to help them cling closely to God. (Note: This doesn't mean 'do whatever you like in the name of getting closer to God'.) So I think it's vital that we not only tolerate, but appreciate, that others connect with God differently than we might.

Passion is a tricky thing. It can be contagious and explosive, but it can also be patiently simmering - like in the expression, still waters run deep. I tend to feel quite deeply about this issue, because I am a fairly shy person by nature, and I don't always like sharing things that are close to my heart. (No, I am not saying this is a good thing - it can lead me try and carry my burdens myself too often, and it sometimes drives my discipler nuts!) So what I am saying is what may be perceived as a lack of passion may actually be a lack of physically expressed passion. And while I have no issue with those who are physically expressive in worship (raising hands, jumping etc), I feel no need to do so myself. I connect with God best when I am still. If I am moving, I always aware of my movements and my surroundings. I can't "lose myself" in movement, only in stillness.

I was once told "Passion is energy that moves things". I have always believed this statement, and it has greatly shaped my concept of 'passion'. To me, passion is not an emotion, it is a force. It is a driver and director and a creator, not just a feeling. And because I don't see it as a feeling, it is not something that can be expressed on a face or a movement, but in a word or a deed or a choice. Again, I think we come back to the main problem - worship is a lifestyle, not an event.

Finally, I think we can put too much emphasis on the appearance of passion, when the reality of it is sadly lacking. During my final three high school years, I toyed with a range of beliefs, Christianity being one of them. One of the factors that pushed me away from it was - as usual - not a problem with Christianity, but with Christians. There were a number of girls at my school who attended a large church in my area, and who organised a Christian music event at our school and stood at the front with their arms raised. One month later the same girls were suspended for consuming alcohol underage on a school camp. The seeming disconnect between their behaviour and their professed beliefs gave me an easy way out to say 'Christianity must not mean much, after all'. This is the danger of facades - when they are broken, people's faith is shattered too.

So what's my conclusion? Show it through song if you want to, but more importantly - mean it and live it!

Broken

2008-08-24T17:07:00.002+10:00

"I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into better shape."

Estella, Great Expectations, Charles Dickens.

"If I try and bend that far, I will break."

Tevye, Fiddler in the Roof.

Bending and breaking - something I feel like I've been doing a lot of lately. It's strange how well Dickens - who was fairly anti-religion - captures one of the hardest parts of Christianity - the fact that there will be hardship and suffering, but that it's ultimate goal is to create a better shaped - more Christ-like - person.

Too often, I think we adopt Tevye's point of view, that if we continue to take more and more strain, we will eventually shatter, never to recover. But we forget, I think, that we do not need to carry the world's burden anymore - whatever that may look like for us - study, work, financial pressures. Instead, Jesus asks us to walk with him, do as he asks, and he will carry our heavy load for us. The other thing to consider, as Estella points out, is that we assume breaking to be a bad thing. But I think those really dark and hard times in my life is when I have known myself best. I have seen what I am capable of, for good or evil, and I have glimpsed the good that God can do, though anything.

Do I wish there was an easier way? Yes, of course. Would I choose not to go through those times if I could? No, I woul do it again, and I will do it again, as I learn all the lessons that God has planned for me, and the flames of the crucible continue to burn off the charf.

L'Affaire de la Coeur

2008-08-17T21:53:00.004+10:00

Excuse my bad French to begin with - I think that's how it's spelt, but I can't remember.

Anyway, the point of this entry is a follow-up to one of my previous entries. If you haven't read it, it's not necessary - it was just me acting very angst-ridden about the state of my relationship with a friend, most of which is probably in my head.

So, I have been thinking a lot on the issue of romance and love, and I finally heard a very down-to-Earth sermon today that really seemed to drive the point home. As I have blundered about in the romantic arena, many wiser women have reminded me of the Song of Solomon's verse that talks about not awakening love too early. This all seemed very esoteric to me. How was I to know when was the right time? If I always think its too early, will I miss the person I'm meant to be with?

This sermon phrased it somewhat differently though, and I think that is what helped me understand. It said very bluntly that, as Christians, the goal of dating is marriage - not sex, not a good time, but marriage. Therefore, if you are not ready to get married, there is no point in dating. It seems harsh, and there are some people who it probably doesn't apply to - the kind of people who can continue a relationship at the same level for long periods of time. I am not one of those people; I don't have that kind of perseverance. But for me, a relationship that is not going to progress would be toxic, and I know I'm not available for that kind of relationship yet.

So I'm going to be kissing dating good-bye, to use the popular phrase, at least for the moment. At the moment, uni is my excuse. This may change as I grow and mature (hopefully!), and before my time at uni is over, I might be ready. But for now, no dating. Until it can be dating that can lead to forever.

Honesty in Mentoring

2008-08-06T19:46:00.003+10:00

I have had the privilege of being mentored (or discipled, the word we use on campus) by an wonderful older Christian, and have recently been given the responsibility of doing the same for another girl. Meeting up with her has been a great experience for me, not only in being able to pass on some of the things I have learnt, but in the amount she teaches me - or God teaches me through her.

Today was a great example. This was the first time we've met up since university has resumed after the winter break, and so I didn't plan a lesson, but instead decided we'd spend some time discussing how our holidays are, and then praying. (As an aside, I don't know if anyone else finds this, but holidays can be a really hard time for faith, as you're away from all the normal ministry activities...) I'd also giving her the homework of writing out her testimony over the holidays, and we talked about that.

But my revelation came right at the end. We were discussing some things to pray about before we parted, and the usual things came up - balancing uni with life, praise for a good start to the semester, as well as praying for a friend who is having a tough time at the moment, when I realized there was some problems - sin - in my own life, that I'd been struggling with that morning. After much hesitation, and some vague attempts at prevarication, I told this to the younger girl. Expecting to see a bit of disappointment or even judgement on her face, I was surprised by her response. "You struggle with that, too?" she said. "Kit, that's such a relief for me."

We haven't really covered this particular area before, and I hadn't known it was a problem for her either. Now, it will be something we can work on together, and hopefully keep each other accountable to. So I hope I have learnt my lesson, that it is vital that we be honest with our disciples, and let them know when we are struggling.

Unity

2008-07-31T22:00:00.002+10:00

We had a great talk today at uni from the campus co-ordinator of the Christian group I attend, and I just wanted to share what I took away from it, even though I'm sure you've heard it before.

Following the hype of World Youth Day here in Sydney, our talk this week was "Catholic, Protestant, Christian?". We looked not at any one specific denominations, or any particular issue of contention between the denominations, or at any reasons to support one over the other, but thinking about what we all believe and how we all need to be coming back to the central truths Christ taught.

Although the talk covered things like how we should go about choosing what church (not what denomination) we should attend, what I really liked was the focus on unity. If people from different denominations who all believe Jesus is their Lord and Saviour can't get over the difference they practice what is often essentially religion rather than faith, what kind of witness is that to the world? Why should anyone be interested in any church who can't agree with the other churches around it? If we show disunity as Christians, people will focus on that hypocrisy, rather than on Christ.

Unity is one of the things I love about campus ministry. Several of the Christian groups on campus are non-denominational, and I think this is great. Not only do you get exposed to other teachings and sources of input that you may not know about through your own church, but you are able to acknowledge that in such a secular environment as a university, all the more superficial differences fade away in the face of presenting a united front as Christians. Today, I was sitting with two other girls - one attends a Catholic church, the other a Uniting church. I attend an Anglican church. I think it is great when we are reaching out to the campus, that not only are we showing unity, but we are a unified group, despite our different backgrounds.

Fairytale?

2008-07-28T22:28:00.004+10:00

I was listening to a great talk by Mark Driscoll, the pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, on joy (from Philippians) and I was really struck by this question:

Why do we want the fairytale life?

This may seem an odd thing to ask - I'd never questioned it before. Of course I want - even expect - a good home and a happy family and the right job and a loving husband. I believed God would give them to me (in his timing, of course) because I wanted them.

But that isn't right, is it?

Think about it. Who is the person we are supposed to be modelling our lives on as Christians?
Jesus. That's an easy one.

Here's the crunch. Did Jesus have any of those things that go in my vision of 'the good life'?
No.

Jesus was poor. He came from a humble carpenter's family from a backwater town. Later, he was an itinerant preacher, relying on the support of others. Jesus didn't always have happy relationships with everybody. His friends abandoned and betrayed him. Jesus wasn't married - he didn't need an 'other half' to make him complete. And his job certainly wasn't stress free.

So if that is what kind of life Jesus, my Lord and Savoiur led, why do I think I deserve anything else? Why should I want anything else?

Haunted

2008-07-26T22:01:00.002+10:00

Some of my university friends and I - two guys and two other girls - really enjoy watching movies together and eating a lot of junk food. So we've developed a holiday ritual of crashing at someone's house, hiring three or four movies and lazing on the couch all day. Now, particularly because of the influence of the boys, we tend to watch a lot of thriller and horror movies.

We had such a movie day last Wednesday, and I have been haunted ever since. The first movie the group decided to watch was Wolf Creek, which is an Australian horror movie. It has an 18 plus rating in most countries and it definitely requires it, because it has haunted me since.

And I only lasted for half the movie.

Most of the first part of the movie is spent setting it up, but when it starts to get gory, it goes all the way and very quickly. After 10 minutes of this, I was crying, shaking and completely nauseated.

One of my male friends, who regularly watches this kind of movie, was surprised by my strong response to what I was watching and hearing. He made a remark that seemed to imply he thought I should be able to seperate reality from the make up, effects and acting that is on the screen. I was unable to answer him at the time, and at that point, the other guy (whose house it was) stopped the movie to escort me to somewhere I could sit and entertain myself for the rest of the movie, as he could see I wasn't enjoying it.

Though he will probably not see it, here is my answer to why I think I responded so strongly to the scenes in Wolf Creek. One is that, in Australia, this story of kidnapped and tortured backpackers is not so far-fetched. We have had two high profile cases in my lifetime of backpackers or stranded tourists picked up off the highway and killed, sometimes in very brutal ways. The second is that this film is really confronting in the fac that it gives no excuses for the cruelty and sadistic inhumanity of the villain. In the other thriller/horror films we watched that day, we saw violence and death blamed on haunted houses, on curses and hoodoo, on alien invaders, and on schizophrenics who believe they're God. The killer in Wolf Creek was none of these things. He simply... killed and raped and tortured because he found pleasure in it. He found pleasure in evil.

I fear this. I fear it, because I know there is a tiny bit of this madness in every soul on this Earth. My own included, for certain. Because when we're left alone, in the wilderness, and all the rules seem to go out the window, this is what can come out. Maybe not to the same degree, in the same gruesome way, but it is there.

I certainly won't be watching horror movies anymore. It scares me too much, but not in the way most people think. I am not afraid of blood; I am afraid of people.

Words, words, words...

2008-07-22T22:21:00.002+10:00

Words, words, words
I'm so sick of words
All I get all day through
First from him, now from you!
Is that all you blighters can do?

I don't know about you, but I get very sick of words and talking in general. One of the things I hate the most, is listening to the drivel that comes out of my own mouth. My mother has tapes of my sister and I talking when we're little, because she wanted to record our baby voices. She thinks they're cute; I cringe when I hear them, becuase what I am saying is such nonsense. The problem is, I've never grown out of it. Half of what comes out of my mouth is time-wasting rubbish. If you were to record me now, I would probably be in agony within minutes of playback, wondering why on Earth I thought it was necessary to utter many of the things I did.

So I undertook a project this week. Before I spoke, I was to think about what I was about to say. And more particularly, how is saying this serving God's kingdom on Earth?

We say things for many reasons. One obvious way of building God's kingdom through speech is speaking to God, in prayer and praise. Others are usually more indirect. It could be counselling a friend, encouraging someone, helping someone out, or just the words needed to plan an activity.

But we also say things that aren't kingdom building too. These are things that aren't loving. You know, the snide comment about someone we find unattractive and have to poke fun of; the whinging complaint because we feel we've been hard done by; the joke that tears down other people. Even the disruptive chatter when someone is trying to achieve something, and we hinder them.

This is what I plan to go to war on.

I have to say, that I haven't been entirely successful so far. I've still let out quite a few "catty" comments, joined in some highly criticising conversations at work and done more than my share of complaining. This is going to be a long term project, becuase it's not only a change in what comes out of my mouth, but also altering what the words are expressing - my thought and my attitudes that underly my words. And any change in us is only going to be through the power of the Spirit and through prayer.

Cause I'm a copykit...

2008-07-06T21:43:00.002+10:00

Because I only have a few hours left to pack, until I need to sleep before heading off on one of the most awesome (imho) camps all year... I really wanted to post something though, so I've copied this quiz from my dear Nica at About a Girl. So, may I present, the Three Quiz (insert flourish here).

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:- Kit, Kitty and Trini

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:- Space of Flowers, Marauding Snowflake, Magenta Lee Hope

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:- My eyes - they can change colour!, my increasing curly (no longer frizzy) hair and my double jointed thumbs.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:- Multitude of scars from variuos surgeries and accidents, small veins which collapse when having blood taken and very acne-prone skin.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:- Australian, Scottish and German.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:- Heights, the concept of me driving a vehicle unsupervised and health care professionals who are in the 'business' for the money.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:- God, writing in my journal and tea

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:- Black trackies, red hoodie and ugg boots

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:- Rebecca St James, Leeland and MercyMe

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS:- Iris, More Than It Seems and Comptine d'un Autre Ete.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:- Love (which must first come from God, and is reflected in the love for one another), shared values and being able to serve one another.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:- Expressive eyes (i.e. where you can see what that person is thinking or feeling by their eyes), arms suitable for giving good hugs and a smile that charms you into smiling back.... (No, of course I'm not picturing anyone in particular as I'm describing this....)

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:- Knitting/embroidery, writing and sleeping.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:- Hug Nica, sleep, do more knitting

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:- Pharmacist, foreign aid worker, chemical engineer

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON HOLIDAY TO:- Europe as a whole, Central and Eastern Canada/USA and anywhere in Asia

THREE NAMES YOU LIKE:- Jonathan, Felicity and Simon

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:- Become a wife and mother (in that order :P), finish strong in faith and see my parents (re?)commit to Christ.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:- I don't usually consider putting on makeup before leaving the house, I think the hoodie is one of fashion's greatest achievements and my culinary expertise only extends to instant noodles and boiled eggs.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL: - I classify gymnastics as a sport, I like to sew and do craft-y things and I love wearing pink.

Where I am from...

2008-06-18T20:42:00.004+10:00

This is the speech I gave at my 21st birthday, which was last week - you may have noticed I had to change my header quote from Elizabeth Bennet's "not yet one and twenty" because I now am! It is a sort of poem - I got the idea from Elizabeth at The Merry Rose, who published hers a few momths ago now. There is also a website which explains how to write your own here. There are some explanatory notes at the bottom.

I am from the warmth of a crotcheted blanket, from vegemite on Sao biscuits and from Cruskits smeared with honey, eaten with my grandmother, hearing stories during breakfast in bed.

I am from the fragrant lavender and gardenias along our front path, the heavenly scented wisteria that drooped overhead and the weeping cherry who sways gracefully in the wind and blossoms in the spring, outside my bedroom window. I am from the creek where tadpoles were captured and from the mint and tomato plants that grew intertwined in my grandfather’s garden, sweetening the sea air.

I am from Scotch pride and from stories reported differently with every telling, some tales older than the hills and maybe a little overgrown with fiction. I am from the farm at Harry’s Creek, the post office in Yackandandah and those lost buildings of Old Tallangatta. From the little house where Grace lived and read her Bible every night and the street where bones were broken riding into a parked truck in the dark.

I am from Elizabeth’s prejudice and Mr Darcy’s pride, from Anne at Green Gables and her diamond bursts and marble halls, from Rebecca and her fairy story of Sunnybrook Farm. I am from worlds inhabited by dragons and dryads, where fey moons rise over emerald forests and epic quests for magic lions and magic rings unfold through the unlikeliest of heroes.

I am from long conversations on instant messenger programs and hours spent viewing the world through a computer screen. I am from a life with many cables attached, that yearns for the simplicity of the hand-written and the handmade.

I am from the sherry trifle for every special occasion, always with that extra dash of sherry for good measure, and from rich warm casseroles on the coldest of nights, straight out of the oven and soaking into toast.

I am from my father’s answers for a child never satisfied with not knowing why or how or when or what; from my mother’s arms around me, sacrificing her sleep when I could not, holding my hand through each time of stress or sickness or pain. I am from the games I played with my sister, the songs that we would sing, jumping of beds in our pyjamas and those old clothes we would dress up in when we were princesses or witches, nurses or brides.

I am from a second birth, a new creation of God, changed by grace and love, given yet wholly undeserved; from the Potter’s hand, which took an uncertain and unwilling heart - claimed it, reworked it and gave it purpose.

I am from a past of plenty – many smiles and tears, memories and photographs and stories. And I am from a future that will be far richer, in joy and in suffering, in wonder and in sadness and in hope, and always in love, as I discover who He made me be...

Notes:

Stanza 1: My maternal grandmother passed away when I was in Year 8. I miss her greatly, though I have strong and treasured memories of sitting up in bed with her each morning. My aunt would always bring Grandma her morning tea and the decribed biscuits (with extra ones for the little intruders) and Grandma would tell us stories of when she or her daughters were little. All the time there would be much fussing as to whether my sister and I were bundled up warm enough.

Stanza 3: The places listed as of historical significance to my mother's family. Grace was my dad's grandmother, and was something of a family matriarch. She was also the last 'born-again' Christian in my family before me. It seems doubly ironic to me that as well as inheriting her faith, I also inherited her name. (It's one of my middle names, for any one confused.) My dad broke his collarbone riding his bike down his street in the dark.

Stanza 4: Yes, in many ways, I am a 21st century girl - I love MSN, Blogger and my iPod! But I also love the satisfaction of knitting my own cushion covers, embroidering a brithday present for a friend and am looking forward to the challenge of learning to crochet this winter!

Stanza 8: A few people have questioned my use of suffering and sadness in my list of things I'm 'looking forward' to in the future. I'm not saying that I'm excited for the sad times or pain. I just know that God has a life planned for me that is going to challenge me as much as it is going to be joyful and beautiful.

How does she know?

2008-06-09T22:07:00.005+10:00

From Disney's recent film "Enchanted", performed by Amy Adams...

Giselle: How does she know you love her?
How does she know she's yours?

Man: How does she know that you love her?

Giselle:How do you show her you love her?

Both: How does she know that you really, really, truly love her?

Giselle:It's not enough to take the one you love for granted
You must remind her, or she'll be inclined to say... "How do I know he loves me?"
"How do I know he's mine?"

Well does he leave a little note to tell you you are on his mind?
Send you yellow flowers when the sky is grey?
Heyy! He'll find a new way to show you, a little bit everyday
That's how you know, that's how you know!
He's your love...

Man: You've got to show her you need her
Don't treat her like a mind reader
Each day do something to need her
To believe you love her

Giselle:Everybody wants to live happily ever after
Everybody wants to know their true love is true...

Well does he take you out dancin' just so he can hold you close?
Dedicate a song with words in
Just for you? Ohhh!

All:He'll find his own way to tell you
With the little things he'll do
That's how you know
That's how you know!

Because he'll wear your favorite color
Just so he can match your eyes
Rent a private picnic
By the fires glow-oohh!

All:His heart will be yours forever
Something everyday will show
That's how you know
He's your love...

[I've edited it a bit, to remove all the pointless repeated lines, but I've kept any 'new' ideas]

I put this song in, because it in some ways reflects my struggles as a modern day young woman, and in others is the cause of those same struggles.

Before I became a Christian, I did think a guy's opinion was the be all and end all of my existence. I was head over heels for a guy, who probably had only one thing on his mind, and it wasn't discussing literature and music over coffee. It sounds harsh, but umm... Let's just say he moved on very quickly when I ran away scared of jumping in too fast. Because like most girls at the moment, I was torn between wanting the fairytale romance as described above to some degree and wanting everything "now", becuase that would make me whole.

Through a whole series of wonderful events, I finally got to know Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, and I forgot about most guys for a while (save one :P) - particularly because my youth group tends to seperate girls and guys in their younger years. But recently, it's been popping into my head more and more how much I would like to be in love and get married. Not because I need a guy to make whole - there's only one who can do that, and I've already fallen for Him - but because I would love to be a wife and mother. Yes, I want to have a career too (but pharmacy is a great profssion for working part time as a mother :P )

Now comes the crux of the issue. I had a crush on a guy last year, and of course it all came to nothing, once I was away from him for the summer. It was merely an attraction based on shared interests and a desire on my part to be "crossed in love" as Mr Bennet puts it in Pride and Prejudice. But this time it's a bit more serious. The guy I like is a very good friend to me, and I'm so confused as to whether I'm liked in return, or if I'm just a friend to him. Hence the song. How does one know if they are loved?

Now the song lists a whole stack of signs, most of which are very silly but the problem is that I find I start to look out for such ridiculous things. We take normal gentlemanly behaviour and think we're being singled out, or perceive a normal hug or kind word meant for affection or comfort to have romantic undercurrents attached to it. We begin to look for hidden meanings in things that didn't have any meaning in the first place.

But this friendship is too special for me to betray like that. So I'm going to be praying about this, but I'd love any thoughts or advice anyone out there has.

Whatever you do?

2008-06-02T18:30:00.003+10:00

I was really challenged last night on what I do each day and the way I use my time.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." (Colossians 3:17)

I spend my week doing many things, some of which are dedicated to the glory of God, but much of which is not. I am not saying I go out and intentionally sin in this time, or at least I try not to. Rather, I tend to think of the time as being neutral, and as being my own.

But we are told "You are not your own; you were bought at a price" (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). And what a price it was. But what this means, is that my time is not my own, but rather, all God's, and everytime I go off to do my own thing, I'm stealing that time from Him. And I think we can all agree that theft is a crime, or a sin if you like.

God cares about everything we do, like the watchful parent of a young child. And we are commanded in Col. 3:17, that whatever we do is to be done in the name of Jesus. I'm not sure I want to place the beautiful name of Jesus up against all the deeds I do in my day. It doesn't give thanks to Jesus when I stand around doing nothing at work when I could be serving my patients and co-workers, or when I put off uni group assignments because I "have more important things to do" that I usually don't do anyway. Or when I lie in bed whining about the cold and refusing to get up. It's an enormous and scary challenge, but I want to be saying to myself, with each thing that I do, "How is this serving God and giving Him thanks and glory?"

Any thoughts, people?

Tears for this world

2008-05-27T22:05:00.003+10:00

I can't watch the news, you know? It's not just that I won't, which wold be far more typical of people of my generation. But that I can't. Because more than half the time when I do, I end up in tears. Sometimes it's just a few tears rolling down my cheek - leaking out of the corner of my eye. But other times, the surging sobs I feel welling up in me mean I have to get away from the television immediately, or completely breakdown.

You don't have to be Albert Einstein to realise it probably shouldn't be like this.

No, you may say that I am obviously some overwrought, emotionally delicate child. That may in part be true. But that doesn't take away the fact that something is causing my tears.

Or you might say, most other people can watch this and not cry. But then I would have to say, is that a flaw in them or a flaw in me? If there is violence on our television screens, shouldn't it be making us scared and angry and sick? Or are we now completely desensitized to it, that it simply washes over us like water in the shower, but instead of taking away the dirt, it is stealing the feeling of our souls?

I am not claiming innocence in this desensitization process by any means. I have watched violent movies, and enjoyed them. I have seen images of people shot dead in cold blood and regarded it as entertainment. But when this nonchalance about sin in the fictional world begins to bleed intohow we see the real world, I have a problem. That is where I want to say stop, and look at what you seeing. Think about the implications of what you're seeing.

I started crying last time because of a story about modifying ambulances with stronger restraints. I think most adults would think "Good" and move on. But I kept thinking - what has brought us to this stage, where we have to be so concerned about the safety of our emergency workers, because the very people they are trying to help are wanting to kill them, in the mania of their methamphetamine induced psychosis. Who are these people, who are causing this massive damage to themselves and others? Did I go to school with them? Are they some of the people I see in class now? What do their families think? And how do the ambulence officers keep coming to work each day in the face of all this?

Commitment to Loveliness

2008-05-21T21:29:00.005+10:00

This is an idea from... I can't really say a friend, cause I don't know her ( I haven't even commented on her blog!)... let's say a fellow blogger, whose journalling I have been following for a while, and which may have inspired me to take up the practice myself. Anyway, she has this thing - I don't know what you'd call it - called A Commitment to Loveliness, where you choose 5 things to make your life and that of those around a little bit more beautiful, and complete them during the week. Here is her list below:

http://charmingthebirdsfromthetrees.blogspot.com/2008/05/may-18th.html

So, here are my five things to make life that little bit more beautiful:

Clean up my bedroom - to the degree that I can vacuum and there is no clothing not in a drawer or the wardrobe!
Make fairy bread for the exec team and for my university friends!
Do the ironing this weekend, so my mum doesn't have to do it.
Catch up with the friends I haven't seen all week, and treat them to coffee/hot chocolate/any kind of chocolate.
Find old cross stitch projects and start finishing them off.

Hopefully those things will contribute to making life that bit better for us all. After all, what's life without a few glimpses of beauty and loveliness?

A Fairy Story

2008-05-16T18:12:00.004+10:00

This is an extract from Kate Douglas Wiggin's novel, Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. This is one of my favourite children's books, and I hope one day to read it to my own daughter (or son, but I tend to picture a daughter). While I love the whole book because of the beauty of the story and the charm of the characters, this 'story' written by Rebecca as her entry for her school essay contest touches my heart and my spirit. It's beautiful analogy of the earth bound princess having her burdens lifted by the command of "the King" (God) and her growing awareness of Him, and the joyful return of the "Fairy Godmother" (a servant of God - a believer) to His presence. When I go to God's presence, I hope that He will say to me that He heard me on the road to doing His work and be pleased.

A FAIRY STORY

There was once a tired and rather poverty-stricken Princess who dwelt in a cottage on the great highway between two cities. She was not as unhappy as thousands of others; indeed, she had much to be grateful for, but the life she lived and the work she did were full hard for one who was fashioned slenderly.

Now the cottage stood by the edge of a great green forest where the wind was always singing in the branches and the sunshine filtering through the leaves.

And one day when the Princess was sitting by the wayside quite spent by her labor in the fields, she saw a golden chariot rolling down the King's Highway, and in it a person who could be none other than somebody's Fairy Godmother on her way to the Court. The chariot halted at her door, and though the Princess had read of such beneficent personages, she never dreamed for an instant that one of them could ever alight at her cottage.

"If you are tired, poor little Princess, why do you not go into the cool green forest and rest?" asked the Fairy Godmother.
"Because I have no time," she answered.
"I must go back to my plough."
"Is that your plough leaning by the tree, and is it not too heavy?"
"It is heavy," answered the Princess, "but I love to turn the hard earth into soft furrows and know that I am making good soil wherein my seeds may grow. When I feel the weight too much, I try to think of the harvest."

The golden chariot passed on, and the two talked no more together that day; nevertheless the King's messengers were busy, for they whispered one word into the ear of the Fairy Godmother and another into the ear of the Princess, though so faintly that neither of them realized that the King had spoken.

The next morning a strong man knocked at the cottage door, and doffing his hat to the Princess said: "A golden chariot passed me yesterday,and one within it flung me a purse of ducats, saying: 'Go out into the King's Highway and search until you find a cottage and a heavy plough leaning against a tree near by. Enter and say to the Princess whom you will find there: "I will guide the plough and you must go and rest, or walk in the cool green forest; for this is the command of your Fairy Godmother." ' "

And the same thing happened every day, and every day the tired Princess walked in the green wood. Many times she caught the glitter of the chariot and ran into the Highway to give thanks to the Fairy Godmother; but she was never fleet enough to reach the spot. She could only stand with eager eyes and longing heart as the chariot passed by.Yet she never failed to catch a smile, and sometimes a word or two floated back to her, words that sounded like: "I would not be thanked.We are all children of the same King, and I am only his messenger."

Now as the Princess walked daily in the green forest, hearing the wind singing in the branches and seeing the sunlight filter through the lattice-work of green leaves, there came unto her thoughts that had lain asleep in the stifling air of the cottage and the weariness of guiding the plough. And by and by she took a needle from her girdle and pricked the thoughts on the leaves of the trees and sent them into the air to float hither and thither. And it came to pass that people began to pick them up, and holding them against the sun, to read what was written on them, and this was because the simple little words on the leaves were only, after all, a part of one of the King's messages, such as the Fairy Godmother dropped continually from her golden chariot.

But the miracle of the story lies deeper than all this.

Whenever the Princess pricked the words upon the leaves she added a thought of her Fairy Godmother, and folding it close within, sent the leaf out on the breeze to float hither and thither and fall where it would. And many other little Princesses felt the same impulse and did the same thing. And as nothing is ever lost in the King's Dominion, so these thoughts and wishes and hopes, being full of love and gratitude,had no power to die, but took unto themselves other shapes and lived on forever. They cannot be seen, our vision is too weak; nor heard,our hearing is too dull; but they can sometimes be felt, and we know not what force is stirring our hearts to nobler aims.

The end of the story is not come, but it may be that some day when the Fairy Godmother has a message to deliver in person straight to the King, he will say: "Your face I know; your voice, your thoughts, and your heart. I have heard the rumble of your chariot wheels on the great Highway, and I knew that you were on the King's business. Herein my hand is a sheaf of messages from every quarter of my kingdom.They were delivered by weary and footsore travelers, who said that they could never have reached the gate in safety had it not been for your help and inspiration. Read them, that you may know when and where and how you sped the King's service."

And when the Fairy Godmother reads them, it may be that sweet odors will rise from the pages, and half-forgotten memories will stir the air; but in the gladness of the moment nothing will be half so lovely as the voice of the King when he said: "Read, and know how you sped the King's service."

Rebecca Rowena Randall

Text copied from Project Gutenberg. You can read the whole book free there (or copy it to wherever you like), as this work is now out-of-copyright.

Semi-Charmed Kind of Life

2008-05-14T00:39:00.005+10:00

I've just been reminded tonight and this morning (it's very early morning here, believe me) about how truly blessed I am...

I've just come home from seeing the most fabulous production of Phantom of the Opera, held at the Lyric Theatre in Sydney. It was wonderful, the beautiful singing, the passion of the acting, the incredibly effects, and just the magic of the whole atmosphere - plus I got to share it with someone as dear to me as a sister, as well as 11 other awesome friends and acquaintances. We were talking about musicals afterward, and the comment of a friend made me realise how lucky and indulged I was as a child, that I have experienced so much of the theatre and its magic. How many kids nowadays get taken to at least 5 musicals before the age of 9? My parents have been very good to me, and it's only now I realise just how incredibly blessed I was.

The other thing, which is even more special, is knowing that I am blessed by God. I had an exam two weeks ago, that was incredibly hard. I was certain I was going to fail. And not just a "Oh, I don't think I did incredibly well and I don't want to lose face" but a "I had know idea what they were asking in that question, and I hadn't even studied that material" kind of fail. But God "saw me out of the corner of his eye" and He carried me through. I can only say that the wisdom that ended up on that paper must have been heaven sent, because I certainly didn't take it into the exam with me. So, here's to God, for carrying me through this exam and giving me another chance.

Fashion... Yeah, right...

2008-05-07T19:26:00.004+10:00

I am very sorry to all those fashionistas out there, but I can't stand the current fashions! There are just some looks out there at the moment that I think are either too ugly, too impractical, or just plain wrong, wrong, wrong.

1. There is no logical reason to wear shorts and thongs with a scarf wrapped tightly around your neck as if you are traversing Antartica. Either it is cold enough to wear the scarf, in which case you should be wearing clothes, not accessories, to keep you warm, or it is warm enough to wear your summery stuff without the scarf. Make up you mind, people!

2. If you are cold, put your jumper on. If you are hot, take it off. I'm sick of seeing people walking around with their arms through the sleeves of the jumpers, but not bothering to actually put the jumper on. Come on, take a look at yourselves! You look stupid!

3. Gumboots are not ever to be considered 'in fashion'. Full stop. I don't care who makes them, or what print they have on them, they are a type of footwear intend for gardening and wading though streams when fishing. They are not a fashion item!

There are other things that annoy me about the 'look' many people seem to be sporting nowadays, but those are my top three nitpicks for the moment.

He likes what?!

2008-04-30T20:58:00.005+10:00

Despite this journal having a readership of one... although maybe it will become more eventually, or possibly I have a secret stalker I don't know about... but that is beside the point. In spite of the fact that no-one beside myself views this sad little corner of the internet, I would like to promote to you all a little piece of silliness that restores my sanity just by looking at it. I wish to present to you the website "I firmly believe that Mr Tulkinghorn likes muffins", generally found at http://www.loggods.com/pestilence/tulkinghorn/home.html. It is a delightful piece of whimsy (and you know how much I like whimsical things!) and it is just so funny.

Granted, it takes a fairly extensive knowledge of "Bleak House" to fully appreciate it. Not to much a sense of the ridiculous. But since I have the latter in spades, it is matters very little whether I have the former or not. But how can you not be amused by such a line as "Perhaps you missed the subtleties of what occurred during each jam-packed (strawberry jam, I assume) episode." I grant you in isolation, it is merely amusing, but in the context of the whole website, it is hilarious. In fact, the whole site is hilarious. I mean, a website dedicated to the idea that one of Dickens' most despised characters could have a secret yearning for good muffin is incredibly amusing, is it not?

A Little Comedy of Errors

2008-04-27T22:58:00.005+10:00

Every week I send out an email newsletter for a club that I am part of. And every week, without fail, there is something that goes wrong - a piece of information that is missing, a late submission, an mistake in a time or a date... There's always something.

This week there were two things...

Despite contributing to the newsletter almost every single week, there is one guy who always manages to update the website at the exact time that I am sending the newsletter off. This frustrates me immensely. I can't keep checking the website all night for updates and I send this newsletter at the same time every single week. Yet, every week I feel guilty, feeling certain that if I had just checked the website one more time, the late change could have been included.
This week, there was a document to be attached to the newsletter. Unbeknownst to me (being merely the secretary), one of the senior club organisers had promised several people the registration form would be attached to the newsletter. When I came to attaching it, however, I found it wouldn't open properly on my computer without crashing my Word program. So instead of emailing the organiser back and letting him know the problem, I just ignored because I have an assignment due tomorrow and this crashing Word business was scaring me. So I sent the newsletter off without it.

One small newsletter. One of the many millions of emails some people may receive in the inbox each week. But every issue has its own story.

Breaking the Habit

2008-04-26T17:56:00.004+10:00

It's always hard to kick a habit - or in this case, an obsession.

I am a Fanfiction Addict. I admit this, freely and openly. However, from now on I am hoping to say I will be a Reformed Fanfiction Addict.

I love to read. From the age of about 3 or 4 - I think - obviously my conscious memory isn't particularly good on this stage of my life - I began to read. And I would read everything. By age 6, I was practically devouring books from my school library. Anytime I could, I would read.

In high school, however, I began to find myself a bit short on time to sit down and read a whole book. At the same time, unfortunately, I discovered the internet, and the treasure trove of reading material available here - long, short, fiction, non-fiction... anything I wanted to read, right at my finger tips. And soon enough, I discovered that Holy Grail of FF on the net, the originally named 'Fanfiction.net'....

Hours upon hours of my time during the last few years have been consumed reading creative genius from all around the world. I've helped critique it, edit it and even write it. I've branched out from plain old FF.net to some of the more specialised sites out there - too many to name, though the Derbyshire Writers Guild (DWG) and Longbourn Loungers deserve a special mention as my favourite haunts for the past couple of years. But my addiction to fanfiction has grown to a point where I feel that it is seriously impinging on my life, in several areas.

Worst of all, is that I know that I sometimes place feeding my habit over really important things, like spending time with God. I don't know who will be reading this, but let me explain. I believe that the most important thing I possess on this Earth is a relationship with God, the creator of all things. And I want to invest time in this relationship, by seeking to know God, through prayer and reading the Bible. (If you disagree or agree with my beliefs, feel free to comment, but do so politely. Please treat me the same way you want to be treated when discussing your beliefs.)

There are other relationships that suffer too. I wonder sometimes if I am a stranger to my parents. Do they miss me, when I am at my computer, giggling away at a witty line in a story written by someone halfway across the world? I send her encouragement and ask her how she is. Have I asked them yet?

I know my work suffers, as I slip off into daydreams of the latest land I have just read about, or sneak onto the net for another fix, even when I know I shouldn't. And my health, as I spend hour upon hour of precious sleep time trawling the net for 'just one more story, before I go to sleep'.

I am not saying fanfiction is a bad thing. It is wonderful that so many young people are writing and reading, in a generation hooked to the audiovisual. It gives young dreamers like myself a creative outlet - a place to fly free and invent (although still safely tied to the canon of whatever world you are writing in...) But like almost everything, it must be done in moderation. When it begins to feed upon your life, you know you need to break free. And breaking free for me has to mean breaking all ties. Or that one story will lead to another, and then another, and another...

Welcome to the Land of Blog?

2008-04-23T20:27:00.002+10:00

I'm not even sure why I am starting a new blog... It is completely unnecessary - a downright waste of time, in fact, as I have too much to do as it is, without even spending more time pouring out my soul into the vacuum that is the internet.

Oh dear. I've begun to sound quite depressed.

You may be surprised to learn, wide world, that I am not actually depressed. In fact, I am quite the opposite. In the past two years, I have discovered even more joy in my life than I knew was possibly. I have found the love of community of people united by a common hope and faith, and friendships that run deeeper than I thought possible.

And now I've decided I'm going to grow up a little bit. Not that I'm going to stop having fun. But it is time for me to start taking a lot more responsibilty for how my life is lived - and who it is lived for. And I want to be able to keep my promises to myself and to Him. It's very easy to keep promises to other people, you know. If you don't, you know you'll be wracked with guilt and shame for days afterward, and they may never speak to you again. But a promise to yourself? Who cares?? We don't respect ourselves enough to keep these kinds of promises. And promises to God? Well, at the time of fulfilling the promise, He always seems a long way away, doesn't He? But He's not, is He? And He sees and He knows. Thank goodness for grace.